


Hidden

by lipsoulves



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: 2jin are the only ones who know what a stable relationship is, Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Possible smut, chaewon is crazy, chuuves are a mess, fuckgirl! sooyoung, hyejoo is edgy, jinsol is a murderer lol, lipsoulves love triangle cause i’m a whore for them, nerd! jinsol, rebel! jungeun, tons of angst and drama cause we love to see it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-18 17:22:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 75,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20642876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lipsoulves/pseuds/lipsoulves
Summary: When twenty-one-year-old Jung Jinsol transfers campus and moves to an other city to escape her past, she doesn’t know that she’s throwing herself right into more drama. Everyone around her is hiding something, and she comes to realize that nothing is really what it seems. Will she be able to keep her own secrets hidden as she navigates through love, friendship, college stress, parties, lies and betrayal?





	1. A New Beginning

_Blood._

_That’s all she sees._

_Red warm blood dripping from her hands onto the grass below her, onto her blue sneakers. Blood splattered all over her face like water from the little fountain in the park she used to go to a lot as a kid on a hot summer day, and if she wasn’t completely numb right now the way it’s sticking to her skin would’ve made her feel insanely gross._

_But she doesn’t feel anything as she stares at the dead body lying before her, sprawled out on the light green grass that has adopted a black-blue colour in the darkness of the night, without the moon there to illuminate it._

_The only light is the one coming from the small white trailer the bastard lives in. The bastard that is now dead, nothing more than a lifeless corpse, blood gushing from all the places where she had stabbed him, but most of all from his face, which doesn’t look much like a face anymore, not with all the wounds and the blood that won’t seem to stop streaming out of them._

_So much fucking blood._

_“Fuck”, she whispers to herself as she drops the big heavy kitchen knife she’d been holding in her right hand, and it’s only now that she notices how hard her hands had been trembling this whole time. Fuck, her whole body is shaking. Another thing she realizes is that her voice sounds so completely unlike hers in this moment it might as well belong to a stranger._

_“Fuck”, the stranger’s voice repeats, louder and more desperate, more scared this time, as the reality of what had just happened slowly but surely starts sinking in._

_She falls to her knees, suddenly feeling more exhausted than she had ever been in her entire life, and she feels her eyes well up with tears that had been kept inside of her up until this very moment where they start flooding, making her feel like she’s a human bomb, finally exploding after the countdown had finished once and for all._

_“Fuck!”, she screams now in that unknown voice that cannot possibly be hers, it just seems too far away, too animalistic, and she’s not sure if it’s even human._

_And she screams and screams, lets it all out, knowing no one can hear her in this huge fucking forest she’s in, but after a while her screams are nothing but quiet sobs, covered by her skinny bloody hand over her mouth and more and more a singular thought forms in her brain, repeating itself over and over like a mantra and eventually finding its way onto her lips as she rocks herself back and forth like a little child._

_“What have I done?"_

* * *

“Miss, we’re here now”, the cab driver, an old man with a gentle voice says, interrupting her thoughts.

She’d drifted off and it takes her a second to get back to reality, get back to the present, which is her sitting in a cab on her way to her new college after being on a plane for five whole hours. The blonde takes her head off the car window and grabs her black backpack from the seat next to her, opening it and getting her purse to pay him.

When she steps out of the car and onto the sidewalk the driver pulls her big blue suitcase out of the trunk and hands it to her before driving off. Immediately realizing it’s way colder here than back home she wraps her light brown coat tighter around her body, staring up at the huge old building in front of her before sighing and making her way up the stairs leading inside.

As soon as she arrives in front of the door to her dorm she can feel the anxiety kick in, and she wonders if her roommate is in there right now. What will she be like? Will they get along? She stands there for a few more seconds feeling her heart racing and her palms starting to get sweaty.

“It can’t possibly be that bad”, she says to herself and so she takes a deep breath and opens the door.

The girl is met with loud hip-hop music blaring from a big black speaker standing next to a small grey couch at the back of the room.

There’s two wooden desks opposite each other with one of them cluttered with all sorts of knick-knacks, and it has to be the messiest desk she’s ever seen.

The same goes for the two single beds which are standing on two different sides of the room as well; One of them is neat and clean, while the other one is just a big fucking mess. She throws her backpack onto the floor in front of the clean, untouched bed, then takes her shoes off and puts them next to the various pairs of high heels and boots standing in the hallway, proceeding to hang her jacket on the overdoor hook, where she spots several other jackets already hanging there. Then she places her heavy suitcase next to the small cupboard on the side of her bed.

Unsure of whether she should sit on her bed or the chair in front of her desk, she stands around in the middle of the room for a moment before deciding to go for the chair, hating the thought of already ruining her perfectly made bed.

She closes her eyes as she leans back in the small black swivel chair. It’s only now that she realizes she’s actually exhausted and she wants nothing more than to sleep until the next day, but even if she could the loud music that’s still coming from the speaker is way too loud for her to be able to get some rest.

However she doesn’t dare turn it off, knowing her roommate must’ve put it on, and speaking of her, where is she? Clearly she’s moved in already, judging by the mess on her desk and the jackets and shoes and the two silver suitcases under her disheveled bed.

Suddenly the door in front of her, which she realizes now is the bathroom door, opens and a tall, dark-haired girl wrapped in only a white towel steps out, her smooth, tan skin glistening from the water droplets all over it and her damp hair hanging over her shoulders. She gulps as she quickly looks her up and down. This girl is hot.

For a short second there’s surprise written all over the other girl’s face, but she catches herself quickly and winks, ruffling her hair and walking over to the loudspeaker to turn the music down until it’s quiet enough to be able to speak over it.

“And you must be my new roommate”, she says in a slightly teasing tone, her voice smokey and the girl sitting on the chair can feel goosebumps rising on her skin. She gulps again and nods slightly, watching her walk over to her bed and sit down, crossing her legs and giving her a sly smile. “I’m Sooyoung.”

_Sooyoung._ She doesn’t know why, but she thinks the name really fits her. “Jinsol”, she replies, smiling back shyly, suddenly not being able to look at the girl across from her anymore and leaning back once more to stare up at the ceiling. Out of the corner of her eye she notices Sooyoung get up and turn around to grab some clothes from the cupboard next to her bed, the same one as Jinsol’s.__

_ _“So you just got here”, she says, and it’s more of a monotone statement than a question. And then, when the blonde turns to look at her she almost lets out a scream._ _

_ _The other girl has dropped the towel and is standing in front of her butt naked like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Jinsol can feel her cheeks turn red and her throat go dry and she’s trying hard to come up with something to say in response, anything, but her mind has gone blank. Not only does this girl have an amazing body, but she also has no consideration for other people’s boundaries whatsoever._ _

_ _“Uhh…I-I-”, she stammers, causing Sooyoung to turn around and give her an amused look. Jinsol thinks seeing her from the front is even worse, and she wants nothing more than to run out of the room before she ends up completely embarrassing herself._ _

_ _“What? You never seen a naked woman before?”, the dark-haired girl asks, putting one hand on her hip and raising an eyebrow._ _

_ _And it’s funny because she has, quite a few times actually, but she doesn’t think she’s ever been this shaken up by the sight of it. Jinsol’s cheeks are growing redder and redder with each second that passes and she gulps, desperately trying to come up with a response, but before she can say anything the girl laughs and turns around again, proceeding to put on black lace panties and a matching bra._ _

_ _She shakes her head slightly and runs her fingers through her hair before leaning back to stare up at the ceiling again. “I just came here like ten minutes ago”, she discloses after clearing her throat, earning a hum from Sooyoung in response, who has already put on stockings and a black skirt, and it’s a little easier to look at her now, even though she still isn’t wearing a shirt, and Jinsol takes a deep breath before speaking up again._ _

_ _“How long have you been here?”, Jinsol asks, watching her roommate hold up a white blouse, examining it for a few seconds before deciding to put it back into the cupboard and grabbing something else._ _

_ _“I came here two days ago”, she responds, now holding a burgundy-colored crop top in her hands, repeating the process of looking at it closely for a few seconds before putting it on and walking back into the bathroom to admire herself in the mirror._ _

_ _Jinsol doesn’t really know what to say next, she’s never been too good at holding conversations, so she just swivels in her chair a bit, stealing glances at her roommate, whose breathtaking figure still makes her feel excited in a way she thinks is absolutely not appropriate. She still can’t believe she was standing in front of her naked just a few moments ago._ _

_ _She watches the other girl comb through her long thick hair quickly, and she doesn’t look like she’s going to continue talking either, so she gets up and grabs her suitcase, preferring to unpack her things now over leaving it for later._ _

_ _She’s almost halfway through putting her clothes in her cupboard when she hears Sooyoung who had been blow drying her hair for the past ten minutes sit down on her bed and sigh._ _

_ _“What are you doing later?”, she asks languidly, and even though Jinsol has her back turned towards her she can feel she’s watching her, and she’s not quite sure whether she likes it or not because yes, Sooyoung is very attractive, but she doesn’t like having too much attention on her, never had, especially not when it came from people like Sooyoung._ _

_ _The girl contemplates the question for a moment. Later? She’d probably be in bed, sleeping away the exhaustion and stress of the day, only waking up in the evening to get a pizza or something._ _

_ _But she knows that sounds lame, and for some reason she really doesn’t want to sound lame when she’s talking to her roommate, so she just shrugs her shoulders, hoping that will somehow convey that she may or may not have actual plans._ _

_ _Sooyoung hums. It seems like she’s thinking about something because she doesn’t say anything for a while and though she hadn’t initially given much thought to it because she was still too distracted by the image of a naked Sooyoung that just wouldn’t seem to leave her head, Jinsol is now starting to wonder why exactly she’d asked her about her plans for the day._ _

_ _She moves onto placing her toiletries in the bathroom, anticipating for the other girl to say something, but when she walks out ready to close her suitcase and shove it under her bed, she sees her turn off the music, put on some perfume and walk into the hallway to put on a black leather jacket and admire herself in the mirror hanging in the hallway. She stares at her for a moment, equally entranced by her beauty as she is curious about where she’s going._ _

_ _She’s still standing there, wondering if it would be appropriate for her to ask seeing as they’ve only known each other for about twenty minutes, but Sooyoung makes that decision for her as she turns to look at her for a second, raising her eyebrows before speaking._ _

_ _“I’m supposed to meet a friend now. See ya!” And with a short wave of her hand she’s out of the door, leaving Jinsol to stand in the middle of the room, slightly disappointed, very flustered and insanely tired._ _

* * *

_ _When Jinsol wakes up from her nap hours later, the room is completely dark and she feels like her head is about to explode. She groans, starting to feel hot and throwing her blanket off her body. This sudden headache doesn’t surprise her, it’s something that always occurs when she travels somewhere, accompanying her on every journey she’s made ever since she was a little kid._ _

_ _She lies there for another minute or two, just letting her thoughts come and go, and she’s weirdly calm, maybe it’s due to her bed being surprisingly comfortable or maybe it’s the fact that she finally got some much needed rest, but she feels at ease._ _

_ _ _No nightmares this time.___ _ _

_ _ _ _She realizes that unlike most days, images of that night and gruesome memories of her past catching up to her hadn’t haunted her in her sleep and though she wonders why, most of all she’s just grateful for it._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Her next realization is that her roommate is still not back, and she doesn’t know how long she’d slept for, but she assumes it must’ve been pretty long considering she went to sleep in the afternoon and it’s dark outside now._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The girl grabs her phone from the little cupboard next to her bed and checks the time. 8:30pm. She wonders how long Sooyoung would take to get back and what she’s doing right now._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Telling herself that it’s none of her business, she gets up and grabs some aspirin from one of the drawers of the cupboard. It’s right next to her antidepressants, and she remembers that she still hasn’t taken those today._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She hadn’t felt too bad these past few days, mostly because she was busy planning her move, but she knows the distraction is temporary, she knows she’ll fall back into routine soon, into old patterns, deal with her usual problems._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Jinsol gulps down the aspirin first with some water and then proceeds to take an antidepressant. She can feel herself starting to get hungry, however she decides to take a shower first before heading outside to buy some food._ _ _ _

* * *

_ _ _ _She’s just finished blow drying and combing her hair and is about to pick out some different clothes to wear when the door swings open and Sooyoung steps in, carrying several plastic bags and a big pizza box._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I got us food!”, she says in a sing-song voice and kicks her stilettos off carelessly before placing everything on the couch and shrugging her jacket off, leaving it on the floor._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The dark-haired girl sits down and starts taking several cans of soda along with all kinds of sweets and snacks out of the plastic bags. When she realizes Jinsol’s still indecisively standing in front of her bed, she looks up at her and gives her a warm smile._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“You gonna eat with me or what?”, she questions, causing the other girl to giggle and nod a little shyly._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I hope you like Tuna”, she says as Jinsol sits down next to her and hands her a can of cherry cola, the pizza box in between the two of them emitting a delicious smell that causes her stomach to growl._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Oh, I love Tuna”, she thinks as she takes her first bite and casts the girl next to her a grateful look, which earns her a small, but genuine smile in return._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _Maybe this new college will be more than just an attempt to escape. Maybe it will be a new start for her._ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _It takes them a little to start talking, but once they do, it’s like they can’t stop. Jinsol finds out Sooyoung, just like her, is twenty-one, but has a different major; While Jinsol is majoring in computer science, Sooyoung is a business major, and when she tells her she’s “literally made for it” and is top of her class, she believes her immediately._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Though Jinsol lets herself go and talks a lot, she still only feeds the other girl very superficial information, like the fact that she transferred campus “for personal reasons”, that she likes reading comics, that her favorite color is blue and that she used to wear glasses, to which Sooyoung playfully replies that she bets she looked “super cute” wearing those, and it makes her heart beat a little faster and her smile get a little shyer._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The two girls spend more than an hour eating and talking, and Jinsol finds that even though Sooyoung may seem intimidating and hard to approach, once you get to know her a little she’s, well, still pretty intimidating, but much easier to approach, and definitely really fun to talk to._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She’s glad she’s her roommate and she thinks she might just have a teeny tiny crush on her, but she chooses to ignore that for now since that’s happened to her with lots of girls (and guys) before._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Somehow she always manages to crush on people way too quickly and she thinks it’s pathetic, but hey, at the end of the day that’s just how she is and she’d have to accept it one way or another. Besides, right now she’s got much bigger concerns than a couple of innocent crushes._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _When they finally finish the food and their conversation, they clean up together and Jinsol lets herself fall back onto her bed, feeling tired again, but in a good way, and she smiles to herself._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _This was a good first day. She knows she didn’t really do much, hell, she didn’t even leave her room all day, but she’s satisfied nevertheless._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She grabs her phone and starts going through her various social media apps, when out of the corner of her eye she notices Sooyoung changing in front of her. She doesn’t want to look, she really doesn’t, but the girl really just has an amazing body._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Jinsol is too busy secretly stealing glances at her roommate to notice she’s not changing into her pyjamas like she’d assumed she would, but instead putting on a light pink blouse and wide cuffed blue jeans, completing the look with a thin black belt and short white socks._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She only really realizes it when the other girl is actually standing right in front of her, and she feels like she just got caught doing something really bad, her eyes widening and her cheeks slowly turning red. Sooyoung however doesn’t seem to know she was staring, though Jinsol could swear she saw the tiniest of smirks appear on her face for just a quick second._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Turning her phone off and putting it on the bed next to her, she gives her roommate the most innocent smile she can muster and she’s sure she’s grimacing, but Sooyoung just smiles back._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“So I see you’re not doing anything right now”, she starts and Jinsol remembers her asking her about her plans for later, not knowing what to expect now._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She shakes her head slowly, looking up at the girl standing in front of her with her hands on both of her hips with confused eyes._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“My friends invited me to chill with them in their dorm, and they asked me to bring my new roommate”, she continues, and Jinsol’s mouth falls open slightly._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Someone besides Sooyoung already knows her and wants to hang out with her? She isn’t used to getting to know people this quickly, and even though she’d never been a complete outcast or gotten bullied, back home she’d had a pretty small friendship circle that took quite some time to build due to her being awkward, shy and she can’t deny it, a bit of a nerd._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“So?”, Sooyoung asks, making her realize she’d started to get lost in her own thoughts again._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t nervous about this, but at the same time she had promised herself she’d at least try to have some fun, to distract herself from everything that had happened, because this is supposed to be her new beginning, for fuck’s sake! And there was no harm in hanging out with a few people, getting to know them like she had with Sooyoung._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I’d love to meet your friends”, she replies with a small smile and earns a way bigger one back, making her realize how cute her roommate looks when she smiles like that._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She grabs a few different clothes, looking hard at them trying to decide which ones to wear. Sooyoung, who’s sitting on her bed applying perfume watches her for a second before telling her to “just wear something comfortable”._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Jinsol ends up deciding to wear a pair of black jeans and her oversized grey Champion sweatshirt, the one that used to belong to her older brother and is her favorite piece of clothing._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She decides to go into the bathroom to change, but when she passes Sooyoung, who’s still sitting on her bed the girl teases, “Really? You’re gonna change in the bathroom? Don’t you think I deserve to see you with your clothes off the way you saw me, baby?”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Jinsol stops dead in her tracks and nervously laughs._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Did she really just say that?_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She knows it’s a joke, it has to be, but the tone of her voice and that “baby” at the end are making her heart race._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She casts her roommate a quick glance, face flushed and the other girl just winks seductively, and she’s sitting with her legs crossed, holding herself up with her hands and her expression is a little too expectant, like she’s actually waiting to see if Jinsol will change in front of her._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The blonde looks at her a little longer, how she’s sitting there looking her up and down with that intense stare of hers and suddenly, something inside of her stirs and for a moment, but only for a moment, she considers stripping right then and there._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _But the moment is over just as quick as it came and when she locks eyes with her again, Sooyoung’s brown orbs are darker than they were before and there’s an indescribable look in them, something almost predatory which makes Jinsol shiver. She gulps._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Out of nowhere, the other girl seems to snap out of it and just like nothing had happened, she smiles at her all friendly and even though Jinsol is taken aback by the sudden change in her expression, she manages to muster a smile of her own before fleeing into the bathroom, where she presses her back against the door and lets out a deep breath._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _What the fuck was that?_ _ _ _

* * *

_ _ _ _When she’s done changing she stares at herself in the mirror. It takes her a while but she decides to put her hair up into a ponytail, putting way more time into styling it this time around than she usually does, and she’s not even the type to care too much about things like that except for on special occasions, but hanging out with her roommate and her friends is special enough for her._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She’s about to leave the bathroom when she remembers Sooyoung put on some perfume, so she turns around, opens the cabinet and grabs the expensive little bottle of Chanel perfume her mom got her for her birthday and admittedly puts on a bit too much._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _As soon as she steps out of the bathroom she wants to step right back in again because Sooyoung is just staring at her with her mouth wide open and it’s making her feel all anxious inside._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Wow...You look like, really cute with your hair up”, she says, giving her a warm smile, making Jinsol internally wish she had a switch to turn off her blushing because the amount of times she’d done it today is embarrassing really._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She just thanks her quietly, keeping her head down so she doesn’t see how flustered she had gotten over a simple compliment._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The other girl gets up and puts on a pair of white espadrilles while Jinsol grabs her new black sneakers, the ones she’d worn on the way here, and they’re out the door._ _ _ _

* * *

_ _ _ _“You’re blonde!”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _That’s the first thing the girl says as soon as she opens the door, and there’s a bright smile on her face as she does so._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She’s blonde, too, but a lot shorter than Jinsol and the blonde of her hair is a darker, more natural one. She’s wearing black Adidas sweatpants and an oversized neon-yellow t-shirt, and she spots several bracelets in different colors around each of her wrists._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Jinsol gives her a short nod and a shy smile and next to her Sooyoung giggles, which in turn causes the girl in front of them to giggle as well, only way longer, and for a while she just stands there giggling, making Jinsol feel more and more awkward with each passing second._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“God, you’re so high”, Sooyoung scoffs, rolling her eyes and walking past the girl into her dorm, while Jinsol stays outside, not wanting to be impolite and waiting to be asked inside._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _They just stare at each other for a few seconds, the short blonde with a silly grin on her face, and Jinsol starts to realize that she really is fucking high._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I’m Chaewon, by the way, but please, call me Chae”, she offers and Jinsol notices how calm her voice sounds. Almost at the same time she finally makes out the smell of weed and her heart starts to race. She’s smoking weed in there? Suddenly, she’s not so sure she wants to come in anymore because what if she gets pressured into smoking, too? She isn’t exactly against the idea, but she’s never done that before, so she’s kind of scared. Or worse, what if they get caught and she gets kicked out of college before it’s even started?_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“What the fuck is taking so long over there? Just come in already!”, Sooyoung yells from somewhere inside the room and Chaewon laughs and steps aside to let her in._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Jinsol carefully walks past and spots Sooyoung sitting on the couch in the back. It’s the same one they have, just like the desks, the chairs, the cupboards and the beds, and just like theirs, one bed is a complete mess with disheveled sheets and empty bags of chips everywhere while the other is neat and clean._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She sits down awkwardly next to Sooyoung and when she spots the half-rolled blunt on one desk her nervousness increases tenfold. She wants to get up and leave before something bad happens, and she knows she has no reason to assume something will happen, but she can’t help but do it anyway._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Sooyoung is just sitting next to her with her legs crossed and her right arm on one of the armrests, while she examines the nails of her left hand boredly._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Seems like this is no big deal for her, and Jinsol isn’t surprised at all, but she wishes her roommate was as uncomfortable as her right now, wishes she would take her hand and drag her out of the room so they could go back to the safety of their dorm._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She hates herself for always panicking and being anxious because objectively speaking, this is just Sooyoung introducing her to someone new, this is just supposed to be her making friends with someone, and she tells herself to get it together._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Chaewon sits down on her chair to finish rolling the blunt while at the same time Sooyoung gets up and grabs the red loudspeaker box from the other desk, connecting it to her phone and putting on a chill R&B song._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“So, what did you say your name was again?”, the blonde asks, turning around in her swivel chair, blunt in hand. She looks around the room, and Jinsol realizes she’s looking for a lighter, which she spots right behind her on her desk._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“It’s on the desk”, she says and points at it with her chin, to which the other girl breaks out in loud laughter, causing Jinsol to flinch and Sooyoung to turn around and look at her quizzically._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Jinsol just shrugs her shoulders because truthfully, she has no idea what’s supposed to be so funny, and the scared, anxious part of her assumes she might’ve done something dumb and even though she can’t think of anything, she’s getting nervous again._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Sooyoung is sitting next to her again and Chaewon is still laughing, slapping her knees and holding her stomach and finally, Sooyoung gets annoyed and asks what’s so funny to her._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Her name’s ‘on the desk’”, she lets out, wiping at her tears and trying to breathe, but failing and continuing to laugh. Sooyoung stares at her for a second before letting out a laugh, too, and Jinsoul awkwardly joins in, relieved she didn’t actually do anything embarrassing and Chaewon is just way too high._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _After another minute she continues looking around for the lighter for a few seconds before finally turning around in her chair and spotting it on the desk, holding it up triumphantly with a bright smile on her face and lighting the joint. She takes a long drag and Jinsol watches her for a second before remembering she still hasn’t introduced herself._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Uhm...I’m Jinsol”, she blurts out and the girl in front of her nods slowly, blowing out smoke and leaning back in her chair._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Welcome to this fuck ass college, Jinsol”, she declares a little too loudly and holds the joint out for her to take._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Jinsol just stares, unsure of what to do now. The girl has never smoked in her life and even though she’s always wanted to try it, she’s afraid of embarrassing herself by nearly having an asthma attack after taking a hit, and she starts to fiddle with her fingers, something she always does when she’s nervous._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Both Chaewon and Sooyoung are staring at her expectantly now and she wants to drop off the face of the earth. She knows she’s blushing again, so she looks down shyly, and god, this is so fucking embarrassing._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Why don’t you take a hit, Jinsol?”, Sooyoung asks, but not in a teasing manner, she sounds genuinely curious, and when she looks up at her, something inside of her snaps, making her lean forward and snatch the blunt out of Chaewon’s hand maybe a little too harshly._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She takes a long drag, longer than the girl before her even, and she thinks she might just suffocate right then and there, so she quickly blows the smoke out, trying extremely hard not to cough, but it doesn’t work and she ends up hacking like a chainsmoker._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The other girls laugh and Sooyoung gently pats her back and even though Jinsol thinks she might be more embarrassed than she’s ever been in her life, she laughs along with them in a desperate attempt to play it off._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“You never smoked before?”, Chaewon aks, grabbing the blunt back from her and taking another puff. Jinsol opens her mouth and she’s about to deny, but then she looks at Sooyoung again, who’s staring back at her curiously and there it is again. That huge urge to impress her._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Of course I have, just not in a while”, she answers, trying to sound as cool as possible, leaning back on the couch and stretching both of her arms out on the backrest._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She’s a little surprised at how easily that lie rolls off her tongue, and all because she doesn’t want to look like a complete fucking loser in front of Sooyoung._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The blonde slowly leans her head back, which is already starting to buzz and she thinks she’s probably going to regret doing this, internally cursing herself for being such an idiot._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Well, I’m glad I could help out with that one”, Chaewon responds, taking yet another hit and Jinsol thinks she must do this a lot. The blonde thinks she doesn’t look like a stoner at all._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The girl spins around in her chair and grabs an open bag of hot cheetos from the desk, taking a handful and then holding it out to her. Jinsol takes a few and throws them in her mouth slowly unlike Chaewon, who’s munching on them like she hadn’t eaten in a month._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Hey, it’s my turn now”, Sooyoung suddenly speaks up and snatches the joint from her friend, inhaling deeply and sighing as she lets out the smoke._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _All the while, Jinsol observes her and comes to the conclusion that everything Sooyoung does is just unbelievably sexy._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _She blushes at the thought, and maybe it’s just her wanting to impress her roommate, maybe she’s actually starting to like this or maybe it’s both, but out of nowhere she decides she wants another hit. It’s not as bad this time, and she waits a little before blowing out the smoke, just like Chaewon and Sooyoung had, managing to cough only twice._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The three of them continue passing both the blunt and the bag of cheetos around while finally striking up a conversation._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Talking to Chaewon is really easy, even easier than talking to Sooyoung and it might be because she’s starting to get somewhat high or because the short girl talks a lot, but they have no problem relaxing and keeping the conversation going at all despite only just having met each other._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Jinsol finds out Chaewon is a nineteen year old art major who wants to become “either an animator or a graphic designer, I don’t know yet, who cares” and that she’s sold some art online already, the girl promising to show her some soon._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Another thing she sells is, well, weed, which doesn’t surprise Jinsol all that much anymore because as she gets to know her she comes to the conclusion that she’s one of the wildest and most carefree people she’s ever met. She especially realizes this when she tells her she almost got arrested several times: About four times for selling weed, which she’s been doing since 11th grade, and twice for spraying graffiti._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Chaewon is about to explain how one of the parties, which she throws a lot of (“I’m kinda famous around here for that, you know”, she says in a low conspiratorially voice while leaning forward, earning an eye roll from Sooyoung, who says she’s more famous for selling weed to literally everyone. “That, too, my friends. That, too.” ), ended up being “a huge fucking mess”, when the door is opened and a dark-haired girl dressed in all black walks in, carrying two grocery bags, which she throws right in front of their feet._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I had to go to the fucking gas station to get this shit, do you know how many fat drunk guys are there at night? I almost got into a fight with one”, she spews angrily, kicking her shoes off and throwing herself onto her bed._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Hello to you, too, Hyejoo”, Chaewon says in the most angelic and innocent voice possible, earning a laugh from Sooyoung and an angry glare from the girl on the bed, while Jinsol stays quiet._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Next time you’re hungry ‘cause you’re smoking, go get your food yourself, lazy bitch”, she responds, taking her phone out and scrolling, still looking very much pissed off._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Chaewon and Sooyoung laugh at her and the blonde gets up and grabs the bags, placing them on the desk and proceeding to take out snacks, candy and drinks. She hands the girls on the couch two bottles of Smirnoff Ice and then walks over to her roommate holding one over her head._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“You said you were hungry, too, remember?”, she states in a teasing tone, winking at her. The other girl sighs and grabs the bottle, sitting up and taking a big gulp before speaking up again._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Whatever. Now where’s the blunt?” She looks around and Jinsol remembers she’s the one holding it, so she gets up off the couch and hands it to her._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Hyejoo responds with a nod before taking a hit, letting out a deep sigh while blowing the smoke out and falling back onto her bed. Chaewon laughs and takes the blunt out of her hand, walking back to her desk and opening up another bag of cheetos._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Sooyoung finally opens her bottle and turns to Jinsol, waiting for her to do the same and when she does, they clink them, Sooyoung looking deep into her eyes and smiling, which makes Jinsol feel all giddy inside, and she really didn’t expect to be crushing on someone on her first day at college, which isn’t even her actual first day, but here she is, sitting right next to her new crush, high and drinking Smirnoff with her._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Hyejoo gets up and snatches the bag of cheetos from Chaewon before sitting down on her chair and turning to Jinsol._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _”So you’re Sooyoung’s new roommate?”, she inquires and like Sooyoung, she has an intimidating appearance, but while her roommate has something enticing about her, this girl is more the mysterious type._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The way she’s looking at her right now is appraising, maybe even slightly judging, and Jinsol is apparently not high enough because that look is making her nervousness from earlier return._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I-yeah...I’m Jinsol”, she responds shyly, avoiding eye contact and the other girl hums, grabbing a few cheetos and eating them slowly before speaking._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Hyejoo.” She exchanges the bag for the blunt with Sooyoung, taking another puff and all the while closely watching Jinsol, still assessing, still judging._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _It’s starting to make her feel uncomfortable and she starts fiddling with her fingers again, keeping her eyes trained on a spot on the wall opposite her. Hyejoo however doesn’t seem to care and only stops staring when Chaewon interrupts her by snatching the joint from her._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Apparently she’s not too interested in socializing with people because while the other three girls, especially Chaewon, are animatedly talking, she’s mostly focused on smoking or scrolling on her phone, only occasionally chiming in to give her opinion on something._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _After more than an hour pretty much all Jinsol knows about her is that just like Chaewon, she is nineteen years old, and that she is majoring in journalism, which according to her roommate is “totally her calling”, but the dark-haired girl only rolls her eyes at that and responds with a bored “Yeah, whatever.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _Yeah, whatever.___ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _If Jinsol had to describe her in two words, that’s what they would be. This girl just doesn’t seem to care much for, well, anything at all and she thinks she’s never seen someone look this disinterested in their surroundings._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _She wonders how someone as eloquent and lively as Chaewon could possibly be friends with someone like Hyejoo, but then again, she doesn’t know her at all. It could just be her appearence, maybe she has a nice side to her, too._ _ _ _ _ _

* * *

_ _ _ _ _ _When Jinsol and her roommate arrive back at their dorm at around 2am, they’re both stoned out of their minds, and she’s never felt anything quite like the blissfulness she’s experiencing now. It’s a feeling she could get used to, and she knows now that she’s seriously been missing out._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“I’m going to bed”, Sooyoung declares as soon as she steps into the hallway, sounding weirdly far away even though she’s right in front of her. Jinsol knows it’s just the effect of the drug, but it’s funny to her nevertheless, and she starts giggling as she closes the door behind her and kicks her shoes off._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Her roommate, who’s already on her way to the bathroom to get ready for bed turns around with a puzzled look on her face._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“What’s so funny about me going to bed?”_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _The blonde stops her laughter for a moment to look at her and shrugs before breaking out into more giggles. Eventually the other girl joins in, and now they’re both just standing in the middle of the room giggling at literally nothing._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _When they stop after a good five minutes they just stare at each other, Sooyoung a silly, but soft smile on her face. Jinsol reciprocates it, and at that very moment, the slightly dim light coming from the ceiling lamp seems almost magical, illuminating the girl in front of her and turning her into a literal angel._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Jinsol is in awe and she’s sure she could stare at her forever, studying her gorgeous features and relishing in the way she smiles at her, but sadly her roommate remembers that she was actually on her way to the bathroom, and she turns her head to the side sheepishly before grabbing her pyjamas and leaving._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _The girl sighs deeply before falling onto her bed, stretching out her arms and legs and staring up at the ceiling lamp with no particular thoughts on her mind._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Sooyoung comes out of the bathroom shortly afterwards, and Jinsol swears she looks even more beautiful without makeup, which is something she genuinely didn’t think was possible._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _She can’t help the stupid grin forming on her face and if she wasn’t completely fucking high she’d probably be embarrassed, but right now she really doesn’t care. And neither does the other girl it seems, because she gives her back an equally stupid grin before slipping under the covers and whispering goodnight to her, and Jinsol’s just really, really thankful for weed._ _ _ _ _ _

* * *

_ _ _ _ _ _When she emerges out of the bathroom, Sooyoung is fast asleep and of course, of course she looks absolutely angelic in her slumber._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _She stands there for a second, just watching her breathe in and out so peacefully, and in that moment she realizes her first day on campus really wasn’t that bad._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _She turns the lights off and goes to bed, buzzing with pure happiness and peace. There’s a small smile on her face that just won’t seem to go away as she lies there in the dark._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Yeah, her first day on campus really wasn’t that bad at all._ _ _ _ _ _


	2. The Party & The After Party

_No nightmares.___

That is her first thought when she wakes up the next morning, the faint light coming from the window opposite her bed hitting her face. She pulls her blanket above her face and turns around, not ready to get up just yet. She’s still extremely tired and she’s starting to regret going to bed that late, but then she remembers everything that happened last night and smiles.

The girl had managed to gain two friends within a day, maybe two and a half if you count Hyejoo, since for now, she sees her more as an acquaintance, and a scary one at that if she’s being completely honest. Either way she knows some people already and one of them is her beautiful, charming, amazing roommate, who she is crushing on maybe just a little, and hey, where is she?

Jinsol sits up and looks over at the other girl’s bed, only to find it empty, the sheets disheveled and her pyjamas thrown carelessly onto the pillow. 

When she grabs her phone to check the time she sees that it’s only 8am and she wonders where the girl could have gone this early already. She honestly hadn’t taken her for an early-morning person.

Rubbing her eyes, she realizes that she probably won’t be able to fall back asleep anyway, so she gets up and makes her way to the bathroom.

* * *

An hour later Jinsol is sitting on her bed wearing one of her many sweatshirts and a pair of sweatpants (She had figured she might as well wear something comfortable since she’s not really planning on going anywhere), and she’s reading a comic and even though it’s a good one, somehow she is just not in the mood for it right now, which is a first. Back in high school she would practically devour books and comics, often even preferring staying at home and reading over going out with friends.

Right now however she would much rather be talking to Sooyoung or Chaewon if she’s being honest. Sooyoung is still not back and she is still wondering where she could possibly be. She does have her number so theoretically, she could just text and ask, and even though she’s sure the other girl wouldn’t mind, she feels like it would be intrusive. Also, it would kind of make her seem like a loser who doesn’t know what to do with herself when her roommate isn’t around, right?

She’d also contemplated going over to Chae’s, but the girl is probably not even awake right now. From what she knows she likes to sleep in while Hyejoo is the one who gets up early all the time and honestly, she is kind of scared to be alone with her, not because she thinks she will do something, quite the opposite really, she would probably pay more attention to her phone than her which would be awkward for Jinsol. That, and she’s just really intimidating to her.

Besides, she feels like showing up there just because she’s alone right now would be weird, and under no circumstances does she wanna be weird. This is supposed to be her new beginning, she can’t fuck this up by being the shy, awkward nerd she was back home.

It’s funny, she thinks, she used to be just fine with being by herself, but now it’s been one day of her new beginning, and it seems like she’s already changing.

_Good. This is a good thing. I can’t be the old Jinsol, not anymore.___

_ _Yawning, she puts the comic book away and grabs her phone instead, going through some of her social media to pass the time. She sees her old friends posting pictures of themselves, pictures of their pets, pictures or their food, and just like that, a smile creeps onto her face._ _

_ _She already misses them and it’s only been a day. They’d had a tearful goodbye back home, promising to call and update each other as much as possible, with three of them, including her, leaving their hometown to go to college elsewhere and the other three staying and going to the local college._ _

_ _She wonders what they’re up to right now, if she should call, she _had_ promised not to wait for too long after she’d settled in. Maybe she should. She’s bored anyway, and tomorrow she’ll probably be busy preparing for her first day of college, which is in two days, so she might not get the time to call.___ _

_ _ _She’s about to pull up her contacts list when the door opens and Sooyoung comes marching in, a plastic bag in each hand and a slightly surprised smile on her face when she spots Jinsol on her bed._ _ _

_ _ _“Oh, you’re awake”, she exclaims and the blonde nods sheepishly. Sooyoung walks over to her desk and places one bag on it while putting the other one on Jinsol’s. “Breakfast!”, she says happily, arms outstretched and in that moment, “breakfast” sounds like the best word Jinsol’s ever heard, and she doesn’t even usually eat breakfast._ _ _

_ _ _That’s not what she tells her roommate, though, instead she smiles gratefully and thanks her, both of them proceeding to sit at their desks and each grab a pastry from their respective bags. Turns out just like Jinsol had predicted Sooyoung is in fact not a morning person and had only gotten up early to drive to a nice bakery on the outskirts of town and get them breakfast._ _ _

_ _ _“I didn’t know what you like, so I just got a bunch of stuff”, she explains with a casual smile, spinning around in her chair, now holding a banana muffin and biting into it._ _ _

_ _ _And she really did get a bunch of stuff_: There’s a croissant, two donuts, a chocolate muffin, a banana muffin, a waffle, some French pastry she’d never had before and a coffee. It’s a little much, especially for someone who’s not too big on breakfast, but she really appreciates the effort (she thinks it’s absolutely adorable) and she does really wanna try the French pastry.__ _ _

_ _ _“You know, I don’t usually do this”, Sooyoung states, pausing to take a sip of her coffee, “But I like you, so it was worth the loss of sleep.”_ _ _

_ _ _It’s shouldn’t be a big deal really, but it still takes Jinsol off guard, her heart starting to race again, and she doesn’t really know what to say. She wants to respond with something witty or charming or cute, but she’s never really been too good at that, so she just settles for an awkward laugh and another shy “Thank you”._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _When they’re done eating and cleaning up, Sooyoung decides to put on music again, some R&B song blaring from the loudspeaker and by now Jinsol figures she probably does that a lot, and she doesn’t mind because she’s listening to music half of the time, too, anyway._ _ _

Not that Sooyoung really seems to care if it bothers her roommate, she’s sprawled out on her bed looking at her phone, in her own little world, and after taking a quick look at her Jinsol decides to busy herself with her comic again, but she’s finding it hard to concentrate, so she puts it on her cupboard and grabs her phone instead.

The blonde decides to just start checking her messages because there’s a bunch of them she hasn’t looked at yet, most of them from her friends, and not a single one from her mom.

Figures. They fought right before she had decided to transfer campus and never made up, hell, she didn’t even see her off when she left. Sure, they did have a huge fucking falling out, but the least she could’ve done was say goodbye to her, after all they aren’t going to see each other for a while now.

She sighs, remembering the day of their fight. In retrospect, she should’ve seen it coming.

Her mother’s silent judging looks whenever she’d stepped into her room only to be greeted by the smell of alcohol and the sight of bottles lying around, her daughter in bed, hidden under the covers and muttering for her to get out. Her subtle comments about how Jinsol had changed in the past few weeks, about how she never talked to her anymore or helped out around the house like she used to. How she’d started drinking.

“You were never a big drinker. Why now?”

She can only approach someone with so much passive-aggressiveness before she loses control and lets it all out. Jinsol knows that because she is the same way and she’s the one she got it from.

So when she’d come home from her part-time job at the library one evening to find her waiting for her in the living room, sitting on the couch with her arms crossed, she should’ve known what was about to hit her. She should’ve known her mom was going to let it all out, criticize every single thing she’d done or hadn’t done in those few weeks, demand answers she couldn’t give her.

They’d screamed at each other for more than an hour, and Jinsol had known right from the start it wasn’t going to lead anywhere because they were constantly going in circles: Her mom kept asking why she was acting the way she was and she kept avoiding the answer for one simple reason: She could never let her know she’d fallen into this downwards spiral because she’d committed fucking murder.

The fight had ended with both of them crying, and Jinsol had run upstairs into her room where she had let out a scream of sheer frustration, wishing she could tell her mom what was going on so she didn’t have to be alone with all of it, wishing she didn’t have to worry her the way she was. It was that day that she finally threw out the empty bottles in her room and decided to get herself together. It was that day that she decided she needed to get away. That she needed a new start.

Her thoughts are interrupted when suddenly Sooyoung sits up and walks over to her cupboard, taking the comic with a mischievous smile. Jinsol looks up at her questioningly, wondering what her next move is going to be.

“What do we have here?”, Sooyoung teases, voice taunting and Jinsol gulps as she watches the other girl flip through the pages of the book and for some reason right now it feels like it’s some dirty porn magazine and not just a simple comic. It’s silent as the girl lazily goes through the volume with slightly disinterested eyes.

When she looks up, there’s a silly smile plastered across her face and Jinsol is caught off guard when she jumps onto the bed next to her, waggling the comic right in front of her face while giggling.

“I forgot you’re a little nerd.”

It’s just Sooyoung being silly, but for some reason her entire face goes red at that. _God, this is so embarrassing.___

_ _And just like she can read her thoughts, Sooyoung softly nudges her. “Hey, I’m just kidding!”_ _

_ _She’s smiling at her, her cute bunny teeth showing, and she smiles back softly before speaking. “I know, silly”, she says and rolls her eyes in a way she thinks makes her look unbothered. _ _

_ _The other girl flips through the comic languidly once more, eyes skimming the pages quickly. _ _

_ _“You know, I used to read comics, too”, she comments, still browsing the booklet. Then, she turns around to look at the girl beside her, “When I was a kid.”_ _

_ _Both of them stare at each other for a second before breaking out in laughter and Jinsol lightly slaps her arm._ _

_ _“Yes, okay, I get it, I’m a weird nerd”, she states, rolling her eyes, but not without smiling, and now the whole thing somehow doesn’t seem as embarrassing anymore. Next to her, Sooyoung puts the book down and turns around so her body is facing Jinsol’s, who turns her head to the side and looks at her._ _

_ _“It’s cute”, she assures softly, and there it is again, that damn smile and those damn bunny teeth that make Jinsol’s heart beat faster, and she can’t help but smile back like the silly idiot she is._ _

_ _They’re staring at each other now and suddenly, she can feel how close they are; Their legs and arms are slightly touching and their faces are only inches apart. She locks eyes with her and it’s only now that she realizes how deep they are, their hypnotizing dark brown making it impossible for her to tear her gaze away. _ _

_ _They just stare and stare, scanning each other’s faces like it’s the first time they’re seeing them, and Jinsol is kind of in shock at how beautiful Sooyoung actually is. Those big captivating eyes, long dark eyelashes, beautiful tan skin and plump pink lips are heavenly, and she cannot believe someone this fucking perfect is lying right there next to her._ _

_ _The other girl is taking in every detail of her, too, she can tell, and it’s making her nervous because yeah, people often tell her she’s pretty, but she’s still insecure about her looks, insecure about herself in general, and whatever Sooyoung sees, she hopes it’s not disappointing._ _

_ _The music is still playing and for some reason it’s making all of this that much more intimating. She gets the sudden urge to sing along, sing to Sooyoung, but she’s afraid of ruining the moment. Besides, she’s not too confident in her voice (Yeah, surprise) and she only dares to sing out loud when she’s alone._ _

_ _Once, one of her friends walked in on her singing when she was by herself in her room and complimented her on her voice, but all Jinsol could do was excuse herself downstairs into the kitchen to “get something to eat” which really meant hide in embarrassment._ _

_ _They still haven’t broken eye contact and usually Jinsol finds anything beyond three seconds weird and ends up looking away, especially when the other person is someone she feels attracted to. However oddly enough this is anything but weird to her. It’s just the right mix of peaceful and exciting, and she never wants it to stop._ _

_ _Sadly it does._ _

_ _Only a few seconds later Sooyoung’s phone starts buzzing from somewhere behind them, and all of a sudden whatever tension there was between them just disappears into thin air._ _

_ _Sooyoung blinks a couple of times and clears her throat before getting up and grabbing her phone from her bed. She’s standing with her back turned to her as she talks to someone Jinsol assumes is a friend._ _

_ _Something inside of her feels all gloomy now that the other girl is not lying next to her anymore and she turns around to lie on her stomach, burying her face in her pillow. She feels tired all of a sudden._ _

_ _ _What even was that?___ _ _

_ _ _Whatever it was, she really, _really_ liked it and...she wants it to happen again, she does. But does Sooyoung want the same? Maybe she’s misinterpreting it and nothing had really happened. Well, theoretically, that’s right. Nothing had happened. They’d just stared at each other. For a really long time. In bed.___ _ _

_ _ _Does that not mean anything at all? Maybe Sooyoung does that with a lot of people. She’d only ever done that a few times and it was always with someone she was romantically involved with, but then again, she always looks too much into things, doesn’t she?_ _ _

_ _ _Hell, Sooyoung’s probably not even into girls and whatever that was meant absolutely _nothing at all_. I mean, obviously she doesn’t know that for sure, but it’s likely, isn’t it? And now she’s overthinking again. _For fuck’s sake, Jinsol. It was just a moment.______ _ _

_ _ _The blonde turns her head to look at the other girl, or her back to be precise, and she’s still talking, sounding really joyful for some reason. She leans her head back into the pillow, not really listening to the conversation, but the way Sooyoung’s voice is slightly loud and you can hear the excitement in it. She really likes that._ _ _

_ _ _Suddenly she stops talking and the next second Jinsol feels a light tap on her shoulder, and when she looks up, she’s met with a bright smile and sparkling eyes. She smiles back questioningly, curious as to what has put her friend in the good mood._ _ _

_ _ _“We’re going to a party!”, she declares, looking at the other girl expectantly and Jinsol’s not sure what kind of reaction she’s expecting. Does she want her to freak out? Sure, that’s cool and all, and even though she likes them, to her parties have never been that big of a deal._ _ _

_ _ _She decides to simply speak her mind. “Cool”, she states in a rather monotone voice, and she realizes right after that maybe she sounds a little _too_ indifferent, but it’s too late, Sooyoung is already giving her a judging look.___ _ _

_ _ _“I can accept the fact that you’re a nerd, but if you tell me you don’t like parties now, we’re gonna have a serious problem.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol laughs at that, it’s a loud, hearty laugh and Sooyoung immediately laughs with her, eyes narrowing and teeth showing, and for a few seconds they just look at each other, giggling._ _ _

_ _ _Then the blonde decides to sit up, her friend plopping down right next to her, their shoulders and legs touching, and they’re staring at each other. Jinsol tries to ignore the proximity they’re in again, the way she can almost count the other girl’s eyelashes and smell her perfume. Sooyoung is looking at her curiously, seemingly unaware of the fact that they’d gotten really close again, or maybe she just doesn’t care._ _ _

_ _ _“You like parties, right?”, she asks weirdly carefully, sounding genuinely scared of the answer and it makes Jinsol roll her eyes amusedly._ _ _

_ _ _“Of course I do”, she replies, nudging her and Sooyoung immediately jumps up and walks over to her cupboard, making Jinsol wish she’d stayed next to her a little longer. The girl starts picking out clothes which takes her by surprise because isn’t it way too early to be doing that?_ _ _

_ _ _“When does the party start?”, she inquires, watching her friend spread out several pieces of clothing on her bed and carefully examining them._ _ _

_ _ _Without looking up she answers, “At 9, but I like to be fashionably late, so we’re gonna show up at 10. My friend Heejin is throwing it in her dorm. She explicitly told me to bring you, too.”_ _ _

_ _ _Heejin. Another person who wants to meet her. She doesn’t know why she is always so surprised to hear Sooyoung’s friends want to meet her, after all she obviously must have told them she was getting a new roommate, so it’s only natural for them to want to meet that person._ _ _

_ _ _She never did ask why her old roommate had left. Should she? What if it’s too personal and has something to do with Sooyoung? Or what if Sooyoung herself doesn’t know?_ _ _

_ _ _ _Too many questions, Jinsol._ She chooses not to ask for now, telling herself she’ll find out soon enough. Besides, there is more important stuff to discuss at the moment, like the fact that her roommate is picking out clothes at 10:30am for a party they’re going to at 10pm.__ _ _ _

_ _ _“Do you always get ready for a party this early?”, she asks, tilting her head and watching the girl get more clothes from her cupboard, throwing them on the bed with all the other stuff she’d picked out, and it’s starting to look a little like a miniature mountain._ _ _

_ _ _“Do you not?”, Sooyoung counters, turning around only to give her a judging look, eyebrows raised in disapproval, before turning back around and looking at her clothes again._ _ _

_ _ _“Uhm...No? We still have tons of time”, Jinsol states, causing Sooyoung to turn around once more, eyes wide and confused. Then her expression changes to a smug one and she rolls her eyes._ _ _

_ _ _“Let me guess”, she says, already turning back around, “You’re one of those girls that just do a little bit of makeup and throw on whatever like, an hour before the party starts.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol gulps. She kind of hit the mark with that one. She’d never been as dramatic about parties as everyone else seems to be. Sure, she’d always liked going to them, because who doesn’t? It hadn’t happened too often though, after all her friendship circle had been small, she was never one of those people who seemed to know literally everyone._ _ _

_ _ _She’d never been the type to make a big fuss about being dressed to the nines, because it was never that important to her and she didn’t like stressing over it. She’d always been worried enough over all sorts of things she was and still is dealing with, she didn’t need to be freaking out over makeup and clothes, too._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung takes her silence as a yes and lets out a laugh. Turning around with a sly smile on her face, she walks over to Jinsol and leans down so they’re face to face, and she’s only inches away when she says, “Well, that’s about to change.”_ _ _

* * *

_ _ _It’s 9:50pm and Jinsol’s standing in front of the bathroom mirror with Sooyoung right behind her, holding onto her shoulders and looking at her through the mirror with a big smile on her face._ _ _

When she had said things were about to change, she’d really meant it.

She’d made Jinsol try on literally every pair of jeans, every skirt, every dress (both of which she admittedly did not own many of), every shirt and every single pair of shoes she owns, and then, after a good two hours of putting together outfit after outfit and having Jinsol walk out of the bathroom (She’s still too shy to change in front of Sooyoung, who is also _still_ teasing her about it) and do a silly catwalk for her, shaking her head disapprovingly each time, she’d moved onto making her try on some of her clothes.__

__However after that had failed, too (She either didn’t like the clothes on Jinsol or Jinsol didn’t like them on Jinsol), she’d fallen onto her bed and sighed deeply, going completely silent for a couple of minutes, and all the while the blonde had just stood in front of her bed and stared at her, wondering if she was having __ some sort of internal breakdown.

_ _Then, as if she was having an epiphany, her face had lit up and she’d jumped off her bed and ran into the hallway, looking at her countless pairs of shoes for a few seconds before picking a pair of grey sneakers and starting to put them on._ _

_ _Jinsol had furrowed her brows and looked at her questioningly and when Sooyoung had finally turned to look at her, she’d rolled her eyes in annoyance and crossed her arms in front of her chest, as if it was obvious what she was doing and Jinsol was stupid for being so clueless._ _

_ _“We’re going shopping, dummy”, she’d finally said and naturally, Jinsol had started to protest, she really didn’t feel like wasting her time walking from store to store just to get new clothes for a party when she already owned something decent._ _

_ _Well, not according to Sooyoung obviously, because she’d kept insisting that they absolutely _had_ to buy something new because Jinsol’s wardrobe was anything other than party-approved.___ _

_ _ _“Too casual. You need to go all out, I’m telling you. This is Heejin’s pre-first semester party. It’s like, the most important party of the year, even more important than her after-first semester party, pre-second semester party and end of the year party”, Sooyoung had told her in her red Honda Civic on the way to the mall and Jinsol’s head had started spinning just listening to her list all those parties._ _ _

_ _ _Turns out Heejin is one of the most popular girls on campus and her parties are practically the most important events around. She’s your typical pretty, rich, smart “it girl” and everyone either wants to be her or be with her, blah, blah, blah._ _ _

_ _ _The way Sooyoung had talked about her had made her seem nice enough, though, apparently she tutors people, volunteers at an animal shelter every now and then and in Sooyoung’s words is “the friendliest bitch you will ever meet”._ _ _

_ _ _She’s one of Sooyoung’s closest friends and it makes Jinsol think Sooyoung must be really popular, too, which she could honestly already tell both from the way her phone is constantly buzzing with text messages and just the general...aura she gives off._ _ _

_ _ _To her, she had seemed like one of those beautiful and popular mean girls right off the bat, and even though she knows now that she is definitely not mean, at least not to her, it did kind of feel that way at the very beginning, during their first conversation, when she would talk to her in that slightly bored and disinterested voice._ _ _

_ _ _It had taken them almost two hours to find clothes that both Jinsol and Sooyoung liked, they’d checked out at least five different stores and the blonde had barely been able to feel her legs at the end of it all, so when Sooyoung had suggested to go stroll around the mall some more, she had practically begged her to just go back to their dorm. Her friend had obliged, albeit grudgingly, making her promise to come back with her soon._ _ _

_ _ _And now, hours later, it’s almost time to leave for the party and even though she still thinks getting ready had been way more of a hassle than necessary, she’s more than satisfied with how she looks._ _ _

_ _ _In fact, the dark blue tank top, the black leather mini skirt and the little beige coat made out of fake fur accompanied by black stilettos, net stockings, a thin choker and a few of Jinsol’s gold rings she only wears on special occasions maybe even make all the effort almost worth it._ _ _

_ _ _She smiles as she slowly twirls around a few times, admiring her outfit in the mirror, and it’s so much unlike her and the skinny jeans, simple shirts, baggy sweaters and coats and denim jackets she usually wears, but it feels so incredibly good to go all out for once, forget the usual._ _ _

_ _ _She thinks she’s rarely looked this extravagant as she examines her makeup, which had been done by Sooyoung because according to her the way Jinsol does it is “_way_ too basic for a party, let alone a Heejin party”, and despite Jinsol still not getting all the fuss around this pre-semester party or whatever it’s called, she’d sat down and let her friend doll her up without protest.___ _ _

_ _ _Most of all she loves the eyeliner and eyeshadow her friend had carefully and slowly applied, the two of them sitting on Sooyoung’s bed and if Jinsol hadn’t been too focused on how cute the other girl looks when she is that concentrated, she would’ve definitely internally freaked out over how close they had been._ _ _

_ _ _She thinks she really needs to learn how to calm down whenever that happens, because if she is gonna be friends with this girl it will probably happen a lot and she absolutely cannot lose her mind every single time._ _ _

_ _ _Said girl, who is wearing a skintight short black leather dress, black high heels and a delicate gold necklace along with matching golden earrings and a bracelet, checks herself out one last time before looking at her phone, grabbing Jinsol’s arm and leading them out of the bathroom._ _ _

_ _ _“Ready?”, she asks, giving her an encouraging look and she hadn’t really felt it before, but now the nervousness kicks in and she can feel her heart race a little._ _ _

_ _ _Nevertheless she nods and does her best to muster a smile. Sooyoung smiles back kindly, links their arms and then they finally walk through the door._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _When the two girls walk into Heejin’s dorm, they’re met with the smell of weed and alcohol, loud people and even louder music._ _ _

Looking around, Jinsol realizes there’s a pretty big group of people in the room, at least forty, and it makes her think Heejin’s rich parents might have bribed someone to get her a bigger dorm because yeah, the dorms are relatively big, but they can’t be _this_ big, right?__

_ _They pass by a bunch of unfamiliar faces as Sooyoung guides them to the back of the room where the couch must be, the girl greeting a few people here and there. It’s surprisingly empty safe for a guy attempting to roll a blunt, and as soon as they sit down her friend jumps back up to get them some drinks, leaving her all alone._ _

_ _She shifts a little as she looks around the room, and everyone’s talking and drinking and dancing and having fun. The atmosphere’s anything other than tense, yet her anxiety is through the roof. All those unknown people in one room are driving her crazy, and her nervousness is showing as she starts fiddling with her hands._ _

_ _Jinsol is watching some guys play beer pong on one of the desks, wondering why Sooyoung is taking so long when she spots her, standing at the back of the room talking to some girl._ _

_ _The first thing she notices is her long silver hair, and she’s the first person under sixty she’s seen with that hair color, but it looks good on her. No, it looks fantastic actually._ _

_ _She’s wearing a black leather jacket, a white top and black hot pants along with a pair of black combat boots. Jinsol spots a couple of silver rings on those long slender fingers she’s holding her drink with, too, and she’s rolling her eyes at something her friend is saying, although with a slight smile._ _

_ _She watches her take a small sip of her drink, watches her laugh at her friend and then listen to her intently. Jinsol doesn’t know why, but she can’t take her eyes off her, somehow she’s mesmerized, and not just because she’s really, _really_ beautiful, there’s just something about her that catches her eye, something that makes her wanna get up and say hi.___ _

_ _ _But she’s too shy, too nervous, and so she decides to stay where she is and continue watching her from afar._ _ _

_ _ _The girl is leaning against the wall now, still listening to her friend talk, but not really paying attention. Looking closer Jinsol realizes she looks pretty bored, and she’s not surprised, the girl she’s with has been talking enthusiastically for a whole while now after all._ _ _

_ _ _She’s about to look away when the silver haired girl suddenly turns her head to the side, seemingly scanning the room, her eyes eventually landing on Jinsol’s. It’s only for a short magical moment, but they’re looking directly at each other all the way across the room and all she can do is wonder if it’s obvious she’d been staring._ _ _

_ _ _Then she looks away, turning her head to the side and directing her attention at her friend again. Jinsol would be lying if she said she isn’t kind of disappointed right now, she wishes the moment would’ve lasted just a little longer, but she doesn’t have time to fret, because out of nowhere Sooyoung suddenly appears with Chaewon and Hyejoo right behind her._ _ _

_ _ _She smiles as she hands her a drink and they all sit down, having to squeeze together on the two-seater sofa and making the guy with the blunt get up and leave grumpily due to the lack of space._ _ _

_ _ _“Sorry it took a little long, I ran into Chae and Hyejoo”, Sooyoung explains the obvious, taking a sip of her drink and Jinsol just nods, looking over at Chaewon, who offers a warm smile and Hyejoo, who just lifts her chin up._ _ _

_ _ _Judging by Chaewon’s bloodshot eyes she’s already smoked a blunt or two, and she kind of wishes she could say the same, because she’s still very much nervous, even though she feels a little better now that there’s people around she knows._ _ _

_ _ _The four of them start sipping their drinks and talking, although Hyejoo does more drinking than talking, but once again, Chaewon’s never-ending babbling makes up for it._ _ _

_ _ _She doesn’t mind that she talks a lot because somehow the short girl manages to make everything she says seem interesting, and Jinsol thinks it must be some sort of talent. She also thinks she’s truly one of those people you can talk to for hours without the conversation ever getting boring._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _Maybe it’s the two or three drinks she’s had already, but when Sooyoung suggests to go dance a little after maybe half an hour, she’s loosened up enough to let her and Chae drag her to the back of the room, where a bunch of other kids are already wildly jumping around and shaking their heads to the rhythm of the music._ _ _

Hyejoo chooses to opt out and stay on the couch to drink some more because she’s “not interested in publicly embarrassing herself”, as she puts it, and when they fail to convince her to join they just collectively shrug and walk off with their arms linked.

They just jump around holding hands and laughing for a while, but when “Crazy In Love” by Beyoncé comes on, they all go wild, shaking their bodies like crazy and singing along at the top of their lungs, Sooyoung even attempting to make up a choreo on the spot, and Jinsol and Chaewon just copy whatever she does for a good minute before all of them break out into laughter.

The three girls dance along to a few more songs after that before finally getting thirsty and deciding to grab some more drinks. But before they even get to the desk with the plastic cups and the alcohol, Sooyoung starts taking huge steps forward only to lunge herself at a dark-haired girl standing near the wall seconds later.

Both of them hug each other tightly for a few moments while laughing, the girl then moving onto giving Chaewon a big hug as well, and the three of them all have huge smiles plastered across their faces. The way they keep hugging each other and exchanging stories for the next few minutes makes Jinsol realize they must’ve not seen each other in a while, and the whole thing starts to look a lot like a reunion of some sorts.

And all she can do is awkwardly stand next to them for a while and she still doesn’t have the slightest idea who this girl is, but for some reason the way her eyes light up whenever the other girls tell her something new and the way she smiles so warmly every few seconds remind her of a cute excited puppy.

“Jinsol, this is Heejin”, Sooyoung finally introduces when they all seem to remember that there is another person there with them, still smiling brightly, and the shorter girl offers a friendly grin. Jinsol smiles back a little awkwardly, extending her hand quickly, but Heejin just stares at it for a second before giggling.

“Come on now! A handshake, really?”, she exclaims as she leans forward and wraps her into a warm hug. The blonde is taken aback at first, but she eases into it with a slight smile, and it kind of feels like she’s hugging a friend she’s known for years. _Damn, she really is a friendly bitch.___

_ _The four of them grab their drinks and make their way over to Heejin’s bed, where Sooyoung immediately grabs the pillow and uses it to lean her head against the wall, sticking out her tongue at Chaewon, who had been too slow to take it and immediately imitates her before rolling her eyes and throwing herself on the bed._ _

_ _“So you’re Sooyoung’s new roommate, huh? I’m really sorry”, Heejin starts, earning a nudge from the other girl, while Chaewon and Heejin just laugh. Jinsol joins in, but when she sees Sooyoung give her an unbelieving look she gets it together and clears her throat._ _

_ _“This is only my second day, but it’s been cool so far”, she states, causing her roommate to give her a pleased smile while Heejin just snorts._ _

_ _“That’s because the semester hasn’t started yet. Just wait until she starts complaining about classes nonstop and bringing random girls to your dorm every day.”_ _

_ _And just like that, the atmosphere gets tense all of a sudden. Sooyoung’s eyes widen and she looks at Heejin as if she is gonna kill her any moment now. _Wow._ Jinsol is surprised to say the least. Not only does she like girls but she’s also a player? All she can do really is stare at the girl in disbelief for a few seconds.___ _

_ _ _Sensing that she had just made a big mistake, Heejin looks between the two for a moment, guilt written all over her face, before quickly leaving with a slightly confused Chae, who is probably a little too high to quite grasp what had just happened._ _ _

_ _ _Now it’s just Jinsol and Sooyoung on the bed, and the other girl starts sipping her drink quickly before clearing her throat and looking at the blonde sternly._ _ _

_ _ _“Well, this is not exactly how I thought this would go, but Heejin, that little bitch-”, she pauses for a second, rolling her eyes and then proceeding to shrug nonchalantly, “Whatever. Now you know, I guess. I like girls.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol nods, unsure of what to respond now. She doesn’t know if she should tell her that she herself is bi or if she should just keep it to herself for now; for some unknown reason she is scared be honest with her. _And here I thought I’ve done this enough not to be afraid anymore.____ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung is still staring at her expectantly, waiting for a response, and something about the way she looks at her makes her forget her fear. Taking a deep breath and emptying her plastic cup, she decides to go for it._ _ _

_ _ _“That’s cool! You know…I-...I’m bi”, she states, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, and she can practically feel the tension vanish as Sooyoung gives her a surprised yet warm smile, proceeding to take another sip of her drink._ _ _

_ _ _“You know, I didn’t think you-“, she speaks, vaguely gesturing with her hands as if looking for the right words, and Jinsol knows exactly what she’s trying to say._ _ _

_ _ _“No, I didn’t think _you_-“, Jinsol starts, but she doesn’t really know how to nicely tell her she kind of thought she was one of those typical straight girls that flirt with other girls for fun.___ _ _

_ _ _They both break out into laughter and Sooyoung just shakes her head and waves her off, finishing her drink. Jinsol’s never had a coming out like this before. They’d always either been really tearful or shocking or some even kind of nonchalant, but not a single one had been this simple or in the middle of a party._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung clears her throat. “Anyway, we should go find the others”, she says, grabbing her hand and leading her to the middle of the room where they look around before quickly spotting them on the couch again along with Hyejoo and another girl with black hair, and even though there’s enough space Heejin is...sitting on her lap?_ _ _

_ _ _They walk over to the other girls and Sooyoung gestures for her to sit down while she herself proceeds to grab the chair at the desk and another drink._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol plops down next to Chaewon, who is unsurprisingly holding a blunt and offers it to her with a smile. She gladly accepts and when she takes a drag she realizes this is exactly what she had needed ever since she’d stepped into this dorm._ _ _

_ _ _Heejin, who had been busy laughing with the girl whose lap she is sitting on finally notices their presence and turns so that she is facing Jinsol, who is sitting at the other end of the couch._ _ _

_ _ _“Did you guys, uh...Did you…figure stuff out?”, she asks, wildly gesturing with her hands, and both Hyejoo and the unknown girl look at her questioningly, but don’t say anything._ _ _

_ _ _“Yeah...Guess we did”, Jinsol answers while nodding hesitantly and casting Sooyoung a short look, and the other girl gives her a tight-lipped smile. Heejin turns around to look at Sooyoung who raises her eyebrows in response._ _ _

_ _ _“Sorry, I really thought you’d told her already”, she explains, holding her hands up apologetically to which Sooyoung just rolls her eyes and sips on her drink._ _ _

_ _ _“Well, now that that’s out of the way”, Heejin says loudly, putting an arm around the girl she’s sitting on and whose name Jinsol still doesn’t know, “Jinsol, this is Hyunjin.”_ _ _

_ _ _ _Ah. Hyunjin._ The girl gives her a crooked smile and a “Hi” and Jinsol greets her back and explains she’s Sooyoung’s roommate. Hyunjin is really pretty, and she wonders how Sooyoung managed to befriend all these gorgeous girls. _Maybe beauty attracts beauty._____ _ _ _

_ _ _“That’s her girlfriend, by the way”, Sooyoung speaks up with a smug smile, earning a slap on the arm from Heejin along with a genuinely offended “Hey! I wanted to say that.”_ _ _

_ _ _“Call it payback”, the taller girl responds and Jinsol can’t help but giggle a little, making her roommate turn towards her and wink mischievously._ _ _

_ _ _“Whatever, now you know. This girl right here-”, Heejin pauses and takes her chin in her hand, looking at her lovingly, which makes Hyunjin blush and smile sheepishly, “-is my _beautiful_ girlfriend.”___ _ _

_ _ _When Hyunjin looks down shyly after that, she pushes her chin up, making her look directly at her and they both just smile at each other for a few seconds, and it’s like they’re the only people in the room._ _ _

_ _ _“Ew, gross”, Sooyoung interrupts the moment and both Chaewon and Hyejoo agree, grimacing, but Jinsol just smiles. She thinks they’re cute._ _ _

_ _ _They start passing the blunt around after that, Heejin, Hyunjin and Jinsol getting to know each other more, and the hopeless romantic in her can’t help but feel her heart grow a few sizes when she finds out the two have been together for two years, ever since Hyunjin had confessed on their way home from a party when they were seventeen, both of them slightly drunk, but according to Heejin it couldn’t have been more romantic._ _ _

_ _ _“You know, we were sitting on this bench ‘cause she was waiting with me for my bus, and there was this street light right above us. It was _so_ romantic, we were-“___ _ _

_ _ _But she gets interrupted by Hyejoo, who claims she’s going to throw up if she has to hear that story one more time, and Heejin tells her she’s just jealous, which makes the other girl roll her eyes._ _ _

_ _ _She also finds out Heejin is a music major while her girlfriend majors in journalism together with Hyejoo._ _ _

_ _ _“That’s literally the only reason why we’re friends. If she wasn’t in my class, I would’ve _never_ approached this bitch”, Hyunjin states, earning an unnerved eye roll from Hyejoo and giggles from everyone else.___ _ _

_ _ _They all continue talking, drinking and dancing after that, Chaewon even managing to get Hyejoo to join them in jumping around to the music for a while, and Jinsol is pretty sure she’s only doing it for two reasons: Chae’s practically begging her and she appears to be kind of tipsy._ _ _

_ _ _However, she isn’t the only one the alcohol is getting to. Heejin is definitely only one or two drinks away from starting to dance on one of the desks, and even though Chae is more high than drunk, she is starting to act even more carefree and louder than usual, randomly screaming incoherently every few minutes. Jinsol herself is a little high already, and if she keeps drinking like she is right now, she knows she only has to give it an hour or two until she’s completely gone._ _ _

_ _ _Hyunjin and Sooyoung seem to be more composed, which doesn’t surprise her at all because from what she’s seen so far, they both have pretty...tough personalities, so to her it kind of makes sense for them to be good drinkers._ _ _

_ _ _They’re all busy getting more drinks when a slow song comes on, and as if by command, almost everyone around them starts pairing up and swaying to the rhythm of the music._ _ _

_ _ _Heejin immediately grabs Hyunjin by her hands and drags her to the middle of the room, where they put their arms on each other’s shoulders and Heejin plants a small kiss on her lips, the two of them looking lovingly at each other. Jinsol can’t help but smile as she watches them, they’re genuinely adorable._ _ _

_ _ _Next to her Hyejoo declares she’s hungry and so both her and Chae leave to eat some snacks, promising to bring back something for the other two. Now it’s just Jinsol and Sooyoung standing next to the desk, silently sipping their drinks and looking at all the people dancing around them, and the blonde kind of wants to join them, but she starts getting nervous just at the thought of asking the other girl to dance with her._ _ _

_ _ _Luckily for her, Sooyoung saves her from having to do that, grabbing her hand and dragging her a little further back._ _ _

_ _ _“Let’s dance”, she whispers, and maybe she’s just imagining it, but it sounds very mysterious, a little seductive almost. She gulps when the dark-haired girl smiles slightly and puts her hands on her waist to pull her closer._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol’s not as confident, unsure of where to put her hands and when she just awkwardly leaves them hanging at her sides, the other girl rolls her eyes._ _ _

_ _ _“Don’t make this weird”, she says in a low voice, grabbing Jinsol’s hands and putting them on her shoulders, and they’re even closer now. _Stay calm, Jinsol.____ _ _

_ _ _At first she remains awkward and nervous, trying to keep her rhythm while also ignoring the way Sooyoung’s hands feel on her waist, but after a few minutes she can feel herself relax._ _ _

_ _ _She doesn’t know why, maybe it’s the dark-haired girl’s deep brown eyes or the calm beat of the song that’s playing or all those drinks slowly getting to her, but something makes her get comfortable enough to lace her fingers together behind Sooyoung’s neck and press her body up against hers._ _ _

_ _ _Their faces are only inches apart now, and if she wanted to Jinsol could just lean in and kiss her, blame it on the alcohol, but she doesn’t. Sooyoung is staring back and forth between her eyes and her lips and is she thinking the same thing?_ _ _

_ _ _In a sudden moment of confidence the blonde leans in even closer, their foreheads touching, and Sooyoung’s eyes flutter shut. Jinsol’s heart is threatening to explode in her chest. Should she do it? The other girl’s lips are right in front of hers and it would be so easy to just lean forward and-_ _ _

_ _ _“Who the fuck wants cheetos?”, a loud high-pitched voice interrupts, and the two girls move apart quickly, the moment ruined just like that._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol turns around to see Chae standing in front of her with a bright smile and two bags of cheetos, Hyejoo right behind her holding various sweets, and Sooyoung immediately reaches forward and grabs a Snickers bar with her head ducked._ _ _

_ _ _When Jinsol takes a bag of cheetos they lock eyes for a quick second, but her roommate immediately looks away, suddenly seeming very interested in the wall behind them. The blonde gulps. _Well, this is awkward.____ _ _

_ _ _She decides it’s better to just pretend nothing happened and so she holds the bag out to Sooyoung with a kind smile, who’s still avoiding eye contact, but when she notices she’s offering her Cheetos, she looks up and smiles back, albeit a little awkwardly._ _ _

_ _ _“Thanks”, she whispers and Jinsol nods in response. When she turns around to face the other girls, Hyejoo is staring at her weirdly and for a second she wonders if she had seen them. But the other girl doesn’t say anything as she takes the bag from her, opens it and grabs a handful of cheetos, she just raises an eyebrow and suggests they go look for Heejin and Hyunjin._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _Hours later Jinsol is lying on the couch, arms and legs sprawled out and she’s completely fucking _wasted_. Her and the other girls had partied like it was their last day on earth, emptying plastic cup after plastic cup and dancing like crazy. She thinks she hasn’t had this much fun in ages.___ _ _

Sooyoung is sitting on the floor with her legs outstretched and her back leaning against the couch, and she’s holding a blunt in her hand but her eyes are shut. Jinsol isn’t sure whether she’s asleep or not, but she doesn’t really care. She leans down and takes the blunt from her hand, causing the girl to flinch and blink repeatedly.

“Hey, that’s my blunt”, she slurs, but she makes no move to grab it back, instead staying still on the floor and Jinsol just laughs and takes a drag, lying back down.

Right behind her Chaewon is sitting on the swivel chair with her back hunched over the desk, and she’s sure the tiny blonde is fast asleep, just like her roommate, who’s lying on one of the beds with a bunch of other people she doesn’t know.

They’re some of the only few people who are still here besides Jinsol and her friends. Most other students have left already, drunkenly making their way to their dorms in order to sleep in until late in the afternoon. A few people are still sitting around and talking to each other or “dancing”, meaning they’re swaying around in the middle of the room thinking they’re moving to the rhythm of the music playing.

Jinsol doesn’t know why they’re still here, but she’s too drunk and high to care. And so is Heejin, who had been the first out of all of them to start slurring her words and hugging everyone that came her way while talking about the most random things, making literally no sense at all. Now she’s lying on her bed cuddling with her girlfriend and talking about something, and by the looks of it they’re both probably gonna be out pretty soon.

Jinsol is tired, too. She’s so, _so_ tired and she thinks she should just fall asleep right there on the couch. She knows Heejin and Hyunjin wouldn’t mind, and she’s honestly too drunk to walk all the way back to the dorm, so maybe she should just close her eyes and-__

_ _Her thoughts are interrupted by a loud thump. It takes her a second, but she realizes it’s coming from the bathroom. _Whatever_. She turns around, resting her head on her arm and closing her eyes. She just needs to sleep…___ _

_ _ _Crying. Someone’s crying. No, they’re full on sobbing and it’s fucking _loud_. Whoever it is sounds like a little child after getting their candy taken away and there is no way Jinsol can sleep like this. The blonde turns back around so she’s laying on her back again and sighs, looking up at the ceiling. The longer she stares, the more it appears to be spinning, and the crying still doesn’t stop.___ _ _

_ _ _Sighing once more, she sits up and nearly falls back onto the couch. Now the whole room is spinning and she has no idea how she’s supposed to get up and walk to the bathroom to see what the hell is going on without falling over._ _ _

_ _ _The music sounds muffled and so, so far away as she slowly stands up and looks down at Sooyoung who’s fast asleep on the floor, a small smile creeping onto on her face. _She looks like a baby.____ _ _

_ _ _Step by step the blonde staggers over to the desk to her right and stubs out the blunt on the ashtray. Chaewon is still peacefully sleeping, looking even tinier than usual like that, and Jinsol realizes the position she’s in must be insanely uncomfortable, so at snail’s pace she makes her way over to the bed Hyejoo and those other people are sleeping on and grabs one of the pillows._ _ _

_ _ _As she gently lifts up the small blonde’s head to place the pillow beneath it, she starts mewling and it makes Jinsol giggle. _All her friends are babies_.___ _ _

_ _ _The whining coming from the bathroom seems to have gotten even louder, so she carefully puts one foot in front of the other, focusing on trying not to trip like a little child that’s just learning how to walk._ _ _

_ _ _When she reaches the bathroom, she slowly pushes the door open, revealing a crying girl lying on the floor right next to the toilet. She has long, reddish hair and bangs and she’s wearing a pink skirt and a white blouse that looks really cute if you ignore all the vomit on it._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol remembers seeing her at the desk with the drinks a bunch of times, maybe she was there even more often than her and the others, and it explains why she’s in here throwing up, but it doesn’t really explain the crying._ _ _

_ _ _Then, the girl notices her standing in the doorway and stops sobbing, instead blinking and looking up at her with her head tilted and her eyes curious. Jinsol doesn’t really know what to say at first, so she just stares back dazedly for a few seconds. She’s _so_ out of it right now.___ _ _

_ _ _“Are you okay?”, she finally says and she barely sounds intelligible, but she hopes the girl understood her anyway. And it seems like she did, because the next second she’s crying again and Jinsol is just straight up confused at this point. _Did she say something wrong?____ _ _

_ _ _She doesn’t know how to comfort her so she just looks at her for a while before deciding to sit down next to her and rub her arm gently, hoping it helps. It takes a few minutes, but the girl finally stops crying and looks at Jinsol, who thinks she’s pretty even with her smudged makeup._ _ _

_ _ _“I slipped. It hurts.”_ _ _

_ _ _That’s all she says, and it’s all she needs to say for the whole thing to slowly start making sense to Jinsol’s dazed brain. _She’s crying because she slipped. Of course!____ _ _

_ _ _“Where does it hurt?”, she asks, sounding way more concerned than necessary, but she’s drunk and she feels bad for the girl, she really does._ _ _

_ _ _She looks back at her with literal puppy dog eyes as she slowly points to her leg, and Jinsol immediately rubs it, again hoping this will magically make the pain go away somehow. And maybe it’s working because she gives her a soft smile and clings to her arm, leaning her head on her shoulder._ _ _

_ _ _They stay like that for a while, sitting next to each other in comfortable silence, and Jinsol thinks she could fall asleep right there on the bathroom floor next to this cute unknown girl._ _ _

_ _ _“I’m Jiwoo, by the way”, she declares in a low voice, breaking the silence. Jinsol thinks it’s an adorable name and it fits the girl, who’s now looking at her expectantly, waiting for her to introduce herself._ _ _

_ _ _“I’m Jinsol”, she answers and Jiwoo’s smile grows even wider._ _ _

_ _ _“I love that name!” She’s getting kind of loud now, but Jinsol doesn’t mind. She likes this girl. She doesn’t know her but she likes her. “My boyfriend left hours ago, he asked if it’s okay with me and I said it is. I think he wanted to go to sleep early. He’s lame like that, you know.”_ _ _

_ _ _“What about your friend?”_ _ _

_ _ _Jiwoo furrows her brows at that, seemingly thinking about something. Then she suddenly decides to get up, carefully lifting herself up with her hands, and she would’ve slipped again hadn’t it been for Jinsol steadying her._ _ _

_ _ _“My friend went to get me some orange juice a little while ago. It helps when I get sick, you know. But she should’ve been back by now”, she explains hastily before heading towards the door, and she seems way more awake all of a sudden._ _ _

_ _ _“Where are you going?”, Jinsol asks, struggling to get up herself._ _ _

_ _ _“I need to get my phone so I can call her and ask where the hell she is, dummy.”_ _ _

_ _ _And with that she’s out the bathroom, and Jinsol follows her into the hallway where Jiwoo grabs a small white handbag from the floor, proceeding to pull out her phone._ _ _

_ _ _The phone call is short and the blonde is too tired to really pay attention, so when the shorter girl gets off the phone she just looks at her questioningly._ _ _

_ _ _“She said she’s on her way. She wants me to wait for her outside so we can go right back to our dorm once she’s here.”_ _ _

_ _ _She nods and watches her sit down and slowly put on a pair of baby pink ballerinas, and maybe it’s the fact that this girl is just really nice, but for some reason she feels the urge to go outside with her._ _ _

_ _ _“Want me to wait with you?”_ _ _

_ _ _Jiwoo gets up and gives her a big smile and an enthusiastic nod, and as soon as Jinsol’s put on her shoes she links their arms together and they leave the dorm._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _They’re sitting on the floor right next to the door with their backs leaned against the wall, talking about how much fun the party had been, when suddenly she’s standing in front of them._ _ _

Jinsol looks up at her and gasps audibly, earning a slightly questioning look.

It’s the silver-haired girl she’d seen at the beginning of the party when she was sitting on the couch waiting for Sooyoung to come back with their drinks.

It seems like she recognizes her, too, because she raises her eyebrows and smiles amusedly, and she’s even prettier up close, her silver hair making her look mysteriously sexy. All Jinsol can do is stare at her with her mouth hanging wide open.

“You’re here!”, Jiwoo yells excitedly and clings to one of her legs like a little child.

“Let go of me, freak!”, she tries to shake the other girl off, who only clings to her tighter with a bright smile, making her sigh in exasperation.

She moves to take out a bottle of orange juice from the plastic bag she’s holding and swings it over Jiwoo’s head like she’s some pet, and it works, because the girl immediately lets go of her to grab the bottle and starts drinking eagerly.

“Thank you, Jungeun”, she says cutely after having drunk more than half of the bottle within a few seconds, making her friend roll her eyes and sit down in front of them, cross-legged.

So that’s her name. Jungeun. _I like it.___

_ _The girl takes out another bottle and hands it to Jinsol, who just nods gratefully before taking small sips, and it feels really fucking refreshing. She didn’t know she’d needed this so much. Then she realizes Jungeun had probably gotten the juice for herself and apologizes, holding it out to her, but she just waves her off._ _

_ _“Keep it, I’m not thirsty anyway”, she says before turning to Jiwoo, “So this is your new friend?”, she asks and the other girl gives her one of her really bright fucking smiles and nods eagerly._ _

_ _“I’m Jinsol”, the blonde introduces herself, holding out a hand with a dumb grin and Jungeun takes it with the same amused look she’d given her when she’d first seen her, sitting here in this hallway with Jiwoo._ _

_ _“She helped me when I fell in the bathroom earlier. She’s sooo nice, Jungie”, Jiwoo explains, still smiling big, and Jinsol wonders if her cheeks ever start hurting from smiling like that all the time._ _

_ _“Thanks for that”, Jungeun says with a short nod and Jinsol starts grinning like an idiot again, but this time, the other girl grins, too, and holy shit, does she look cute like that._ _

_ _“Jungie, can you sit here with us for a while?”, Jiwoo pleads now and the girl looks back and forth between the two of them for a few seconds, eventually rolling her eyes and sighing._ _

_ _“Fine, but only for a few minutes. We need to go back to the dorm, I’m fucking tired and you’re drunk.”_ _

_ _“Yay!”, Jiwoo squeals, making Jungeun hold her hands over her ears, which in turn earns her a pout from the other girl. Then the two of them break out into laughter and Jinsol joins in, and it’s just three girls sitting in a hallway laughing together._ _

* * *

_ _“Okay...My biggest secret is that…”, Jiwoo pauses, furrowing her brows and pouting while looking around, pretending to be thinking, and she looks so silly Jinsol starts to giggle like an idiot._ _

The few minutes they were supposed to stay for had turned into half an hour of Jinsol and Jiwoo just talking drunken nonsense and Jungeun listening amusedly, rolling her eyes every now and then.

However when Jiwoo had suggested they play a game called “Biggest Secret”, which Jinsol is pretty sure she’d literally just come up with in that same moment, both her and Jungeun were immediately on board.

Jiwoo had forced her roommate to start, and she’d rolled her eyes for the nth time, making Jinsol think it’s some sort of natural reflex with how often she does it. Still, she’d obliged, but clearly said the first thing that had come to mind, which was: “My biggest secret is that I’m not drunk enough for this.”

“You’re no fun!”, Jiwoo had said, trying to make an angry face but ending up looking really stupid, and when her friend had pointed it out, laughing, she’d slightly pushed her, which had only made her laugh more.

Jiwoo had crossed her arms in front of her chest and turned to Jinsol, suggesting they just continue playing and “ignore that idiot”.

Now both said idiot and Jinsol are eagerly waiting for the girl to expose her biggest secret, and she still seems to be contemplating it.

Then her face lights up and she smiles mischievously, looking at Jungeun, who just stares back half questioningly and half scared.

“I borrowed this shirt from Jungeun without telling her and lost it, and my dumb little friend spent a week looking for it. Ha!”, she giggles cheekily while waggling her eyebrows.

Jungeun’s expression goes from a shocked to a furious one in the span of about two seconds and when she just stares at Jiwoo without saying a single word, the girl seems to be genuinely frightened, and she can’t lie, so is Jinsol.

Suddenly the silver-haired girl reaches forward and grabs Jiwoo by the shoulders, shaking her aggressively. Jinsol is taken aback at the overreaction and so is Jiwoo, who gasps loudly and looks at her wide-eyed.

“You fucking bitch! Do you know how bad I was looking for that fucking shirt? And it was one of my favorite ones, too! How do you even lose a fucking shirt?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Jiwoo starts screaming and trying to push her off, and Jinsol can’t figure out if this is just some playful fighting between friends or if she should step in. She doesn’t even know if could with the state she’s in, so she just stares at the two of them, baffled.

“This is what you get for waking me up at 6 fucking am to clean the dorm, which wasn’t even dirty by the way!”, Jiwoo responds, grabbing her by the hair, and now they’re full on clutching to each other.

Jinsol is starting to realize the two might have some unresolved issues going on between them, and she wishes they would deal with those differently and maybe not in her presence, because she’s completely overwhelmed whenever she’s faced with conflict when she’s sober already, let alone when she’s wasted out of her fucking mind like right now.

The girls are still screaming and grabbing each other’s arms and hair, scratching and clawing at whatever they can, and she has no idea how all of this escalated so quickly, but she knows she needs to intervene like, right now.

“Okay, guys, let’s not...do this, alright?”, she tries, but they aren’t even listening to her, instead going on about yet another dorm incident, and she absolutely doesn’t understand why they have to be so aggressive about it all when they could just...talk it out.

At least that’s what she would do if she were in their situation, or that’s what she would _try_ to do, but she knows that instead she would end up saying nothing and suffering through it like she always does, because she’s a coward like that.__

_ _“Guys, please”, she begs desperately, trying to push them apart, but she’s not strong enough for that right now, her hands immediately being shoved away by the other two._ _

_ _They’re basically rolling on the ground now and Jiwoo’s surprisingly strong, she really hadn’t thought she’d be able to fight like that. Not that that’s relevant right now._ _

_ _She knows if she doesn’t do something now they’re gonna actually end up fist fighting with how angry they seem to be, and she feels helpless because she has no clue how to just make them stop already._ _

_ _The girl stares at them, watches Jiwoo climb on top of Jungeun and pound on her shoulders, watches Jungeun kick her off and scream that she’s gonna end her, and if she was sober, she would’ve never done what she did in that moment. She would’ve never even dreamed of doing it._ _

_ _But she’s not sober._ _

_ _The blonde slowly stands up, and she has to lean against the wall because she almost falls to the ground doing so. Her head is spinning like crazy and her legs feel like they’ve turned to fucking jelly. She thinks she’s gonna pass out any second now._ _

_ _Jinsol looks down at the two fighting girls, and she takes a long breath in, readying herself for what she’s about to say. She really doesn’t know what she’s doing right now, but it’s the best thing she can come up with and she just can’t take it anymore. She needs them to stop._ _

_ _She closes her eyes and opens them again, and everything’s still spinning when she finally says it._ _

_ _“My biggest secret is that I killed someone.”_ _


	3. Room 218

_She’s walking through a long, dark corridor, and everything’s pitch-black save for a faint light at the far end. She doesn’t know why, but she feels like she has to reach it at all costs. She’s walking backwards, and why the fuck is she walking backwards?_

_Suddenly there’s a weight dragging her arms down, and she realizes she’s holding onto something, no, someone: She’s grabbing someone’s scrawny arms tightly and she can’t see who it is, but she’s too scared to let go, too scared of what will happen if she does._

_Slowly, she keeps walking, trying to reach the light, but the longer she walks, the further away it seems to get, and after a while she wants to stop, but she can’t, it’s like she’s some machine programmed to walk and never stop until someone turns it off._

_What she can do, though, she realizes, is look down at the person she’s dragging: When she sees who it is, her eyes go wide and she gasps loudly, her stomach turning and she thinks she’s about to throw up again. He’s drenched in blood, his lanky body barely recognizable from all the stab wounds blemishing it, and she wants to let go of him, run away, run towards the light, but again, she just can’t. _

_Tears of frustration well up in her eyes as she realizes she has no choice but to keep walking and she turns her head away so she doesn’t have to look at him, instead focusing on the light, a promise that she will make it out of this corridor, a promise of safety._

_Then she hears mumbling, and at first she can’t make out where it’s coming from or what it means, but it gets clearer and clearer with each second that passes and suddenly she can make out the words, and she feels like someone kicked her straight in the stomach._

_”That light isn’t gonna save you”, he says, his voice deep and sinister, and it sends shivers down her spine._

_She looks down, and suddenly she can see his face, the way it looked before she killed him, before she rammed that knife into it over and over. His taunting eyes staring back at her, his devilish smile, and again she tries to let go of him, tries to run away, but it’s like her hands are glued to his upper arms, unable to loosen their grip. He laughs when he realizes what she’s doing, and it’s an ear-piercing laugh, filled with pure evil and spitefulness._

_”You can’t run away from me, Jinsol, no matter what you do.”_

_And that’s when she screams._

_ She screams and screams, so full of terror and fear, she screams until her throat hurts, and all the while he just keeps on laughing at her. And his smile, she thinks, is the most terrifying thing she’s ever seen.___

”Jinsol, wake up!” 

_ _ _She’s awoken by Sooyoung’s gentle voice in her ear and her hands softly shaking her, and when her eyes flutter open they meet Sooyoung’s worried ones, the girl’s eyebrows furrowed and her mouth hanging open slightly._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol blinks, staring up at her, confused for a few seconds, before remembering where she is. Heejin’s dorm. The party. She tries to push herself up with her hands slowly, assisted by her friend who’s sitting beside her on the couch, and as soon as she’s up she groans, feeling a sharp pain shoot through her head. _Fucking alcohol.____ _ _

_ _ _”Did you have a bad dream or something?”, Sooyoung asks, still looking concerned, her makeup somehow perfectly intact, though you can tell she’s worn out from the night before, and Jinsol wonders how long they’d slept for._ _ _

_ _ _Looking around, she sees her friends are all still asleep: Chaewon is at the desk, head resting on the pillow she still faintly remembers putting there, Hyejoo is lying on one of the beds with a few random college students, and it’s way too small, so they’re all over each other. She thinks she looks a lot less intimidating like this, asleep and with someone drooling all over her. The other bed is occupied by Heejin and Hyunjin, all cuddled up with each other, peacefully sleeping, and they remind her a lot of a married couple. Not one that’s been together for ten long, boring years and sleeps on opposite ends of the bed like they barely know each other, but a newly-wed one on their honeymoon. She also spots some guy passed out leaning against the other desk and a girl sleeping on the floor in the middle of the room, and she realizes Sooyoung and her are the only ones who are already awake._ _ _

_ _ _Her friend is still looking at her, seemingly waiting for an answer to something, but she can’t remember what her question had been because she’s way too hungover to be able to process anything really, so she just gives her a baffled look and rubs her eyes._ _ _

_ _ _”You were screaming in your sleep. Did you have a nightmare?”, she asks again, voice raspy and tired, and her hair is slightly ruffled, but Jinsol thinks it looks good on her. Everything looks good on her._ _ _

_ _ _She doesn’t feel like telling her what her dream had been about and she doesn’t think her hungover, mushy-brained self is able to come up with something right now either, so she just says she doesn’t remember._ _ _

_ _ _ Sooyoung nods and leans back on the couch, holding her head and moaning, eyes closed. Jinsol knows exactly how she feels, her own head still throbbing with pain, and she thinks they really need to go back to their dorm, but she just doesn’t have it in her to get up right now. Sighing, she leans back, too, and for a while, it’s just the two of them sitting on the couch together in silence, and neither of them is in the mood to talk, but there is no need to._ _ _

_ _ _She closes her eyes as she tries to recall the events of the past night, tries to remember how many drinks she’d had, when exactly her memories had turned into nothing but a big murky cloud._ _ _

_ _ _It’s all a blur, with only a few moments still clear in her head, like snapshots of a night filled with alcohol and people and music._ _ _

_ _ _She remembers dancing with the other girls, their smiles bright and their eyes sparkling, the beat of the loud music pulsating through all of their bodies. She remembers sitting on the couch, on the bed, surrounded by her friends, laughing and talking. She remembers Sooyoung’s mischievous winks, Chaewon’s loud voice, Heejin’s loving smile whenever she’d look at Hyunjin, Hyejoo’s annoyed eyerolls. She remembers slow dancing with Sooyoung._ _ _

_ _ _She’d slow danced with Sooyoung. She’d almost kissed her._ _ _

_ _ _She opens her eyes slightly to look over at the girl next to her, head leaned back against the cushion of the couch and eyes closed, breathing slowly but steadily. Does she remember?_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol doesn’t know whether she wants her to or not, after all they’d silently agreed to pretend it didn’t happen, hadn’t they? At least in her mind, they had, and it shouldn’t be a big deal anyway. After all, Sooyoung is apparently a player, after all she probably gets into situations like that all the time, after all nothing had really happened, right?_ _ _

_ _ _The blonde sighs weakly. She really does need to stop overthinking everything, there’s no use in analyzing every little thing like she always seems to do. It’s something she’s been trying to avoid for as long as she can remember, but it’s seemingly not that easy._ _ _

_ _ _Trying to ignore the aching twinge in her head, she decides to focus on remembering more instead in an attempt to put missing puzzle pieces together. It’s hard however, because it’s like hours and hours are missing almost entirely save for those little snapshots: Short remarks, small actions, fleeting looks._ _ _

_ _ _There’s this nagging feeling at the back of her mind that she’s missing something important, but she cannot for the life of her remember what it is. She tries to think about it really hard, but her headache is making it impossible to focus on anything for longer than a few seconds, and so she gives up and decides to get her phone to check the time._ _ _

_ _ _Slowly getting up off the couch, she almost falls back when she realizes her head hurts even worse standing up and on top of that she’s starting to feel sick, too. Yeah, she’s absolutely never drinking again._ _ _

_ _ _It feels like an eternity has passed when she’s finally standing in the hallway, picking her handbag up off the floor and pulling her phone out. 7:36am. The blonde tries to remember when she’d passed out on the couch, and she knows it must’ve been some time past 3am, because that had been the last time she’d looked at her phone. She’d found herself lying on the sofa shortly after, but not falling asleep immediately, she remembers that much. She’d walked around the room, she’d stolen Sooyoung’s blunt, she’d gotten a pillow for Chae...And then what?_ _ _

_ _ _Had she done anything else or had she just fallen back onto the couch and passed out? She feels like there was something else that had happened, but she just can’t seem to remember what it was._ _ _

_ _ _There’s a couple of message notifications on her home screen, and it’s mostly her friends telling her to have fun at the party, which she had told them about before leaving her dorm, not being able to keep her excitement and nervousness to herself. She scrolls through them lazily, deciding to answer later when she feels like she’s actually capable of doing something again, and she’s about to turn her phone off when she spots a message from an unknown number sent at 4:11am._ _ _

_room 218 hihii___

_ _ _Jinsol has _so_ many questions right now. First of all, who the fuck was texting her something as random as this at four in the morning? Second, room 218? Whose room is that and should she actually go there? For all she knows someone might have just texted the wrong number and her showing up there would be weird. Or even worse, this could be part of some dumb prank and when she knocks on the door someone will throw something in her face while recording it.___ _ _

_ _ _The girl sighs and turns her phone off, deciding to deal with it later. With her head still aching she walks back to the couch, and as soon as she sits down, Sooyoung, her eyes still closed, grabs her arm and leans her head on her shoulder. Jinsol smiles, and it might just be the fact that she’s so worn out nothing really fazes her right now, but she realizes this time she’s not panicking at how close they are at all. She allows herself to lean her head against Sooyoung’s, making the other girl snuggle even closer to her, and the warmth of her body against hers is so unspeakably calming she thinks that even though her head is killing her she could fall back asleep right there._ _ _

_ _ _ And so the two of them just sit there on the couch together, and it’s seven in the morning and there’s a thin streak of light coming in through a gap in the curtains, and Jinsol is following it to the other side of the room with her eyes, and it’s really just the two of them and their massive hangovers._ _ _

_ _ _Three hours later they’re sitting on a couch again, but this time it’s their own couch in their own dorm. Back in Heejin and Hyunjin’s dorm they’d fallen back asleep after cuddling up, but their peaceful slumber had only lasted for a little more than two hours before Chaewon had held her phone to their ears with an impish smile and blasted a song Jinsol can only describe as circus music._ _ _

_ _ _”’WOOWA’ by DIA”, she’d said, giggling at their dazed looks and loud groans, and now, hours later, she can’t seem to get it out of her head. It’s like it’s playing on a continuous loop and it’s really fucking _annoying_.___ _ _

_ _ _What’s even more annoying is the enormous headache she’s still battling and even two Aspirins hadn’t managed to ease, and both her and Sooyoung barely have the energy to do anything other than slouch on the couch and eat cheetos. She’s aware she’s practically been living off of those chips for the past few days, but right now she’s seriously too weak to care about a healthy diet._ _ _

_ _ _”I’m never drinking like, ever again, I swear”, Sooyoung groans, frowning while grabbing the bag of cheetos lying in between them._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol chuckles. “You know that’s not true”, she rolls her eyes with a smile and the other girl slaps her arm in fake annoyance._ _ _

_ _ _”Oh, shut up”, she laughs and pulls her legs up to stretch them out, proceeding to rest them on Jinsol’s lap._ _ _

_ _ _She gives her a lazy smile, and she’s barefaced because both of them had freshened up, taking off their makeup and changing into some sweats and oversized t-shirts as soon as they’d arrived back at their dorm. When Chaewon had woken them up, both her and Hyejoo had just gotten up themselves, while Heejin and Hyunjin had still been fast asleep, and so Jinsol and Sooyoung had talked to them about how bad their heads hurt and how much fun the party had been for a few minutes before saying their goodbyes and leaving._ _ _

_ _ _”Hey”, her roommate interrupts her thoughts, “You liked the party, right?” She’s still smiling and her head is tilted to the side like a little puppy’s, and Jinsol thinks she looks absolutely adorable like this._ _ _

_ _ _”Yeah”, she replies, remembering how happy she’d been last night and smiling, “I loved it.”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung nods, clearly satisfied, and hands her the cheetos. They sit there for a while, talking about everything that had happened at the party, or to be precise, everything they could still remember. (Everything but their almost kiss, of course.) And in the midst of their conversation, Jinsol suddenly remembers the text and now that her mind is less clouded she knows what to do about it._ _ _

_ _ _The blonde grabs her phone that had been lying next to her on the couch and pulls up the message, holding the display right in front of her friend’s face._ _ _

_ _ _”Do you know whose dorm this is?”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung reads the short text and blinks, and for the fraction of a second there’s uneasiness written all over her face, and it makes Jinsol feel like she‘d just asked something she shouldn’t have._ _ _

_ _ _But the uneasiness is immediately replaced by indifference as she lies back and leans her head on the armrest._ _ _

_ _ _”You don’t know who sent you this?”, she asks, eyes scanning the ceiling, and for a few moments she tries to remember once more, but she really can’t._ _ _

_ _ _”I can’t seem to remember”, she replies, watching the other girl continue to stare up at the ceiling, waiting for an answer, and somehow, it’s like the mood is subdued all of a sudden, making her feel more and more like she shouldn’t have asked her about this._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung clears her throat, “That’s Kim Jiwoo and Kim Jungeun’s dorm”, she says, her voice sounding weirdly emotionless, and for a second she just lets the names linger in her mind._ _ _

_ _ _Jiwoo and Jungeun…For some reason those names sound _so_ familiar and she’s trying hard to pinpoint why, to grasp any hint of something. She just knows she’s heard those damn names somewhere, but where?___ _ _

_ _ _And then, it’s like a lightbulb goes on in her head and just like that, she remembers. _ _ _

_ _ _She remembers Jiwoo crying in the bathroom, she remembers Jungeun’s silver hair, she remembers sitting in the hallway together, she remembers the two girls fighting, and she remembers telling them her biggest secret._ _ _

_“My biggest secret is that I killed someone.”_

_In an instant, Jungeun and Jiwoo let go of each other, both of them turning around to look at her wide-eyed and shocked, this girl standing there in front of them, barely holding herself up, her eyes dazed and her arms hanging weakly at her sides, this girl who is...a murderer?_

_Neither of them say a word, and Jiwoo’s mouth is hanging wide open and her eyes are scanning her as if to determine if she’s serious, if the person in front of her is actually capable of killing someone. Jungeun’s eyebrows are furrowed, and at first she looks amused, probably assuming it’s a joke, but when the girl doesn’t say anything else and just stares at them blankly, she opens her mouth a few times, trying to find the right words to say, and Jinsol wonders what she’s thinking right now. She looks back and forth between the two of them, still sitting on the floor, and even though they’re not fighting anymore, she’s starting to think this maybe might have been a bad idea after all._

_But she catches herself and lets out a big laugh she hopes sounds somewhat convincing. “You guys”, she starts, giggling frantically, “I wish you could see your faces right now!”_

_They both blink, extremely puzzled, and Jiwoo narrows her eyes for a second like she’s not sure whether to join in on the laughter or not._

_But she does, and once she starts it’s like she can’t stop. She’s laughing like a little child, holding her stomach and throwing her head back, and she’s so loud the hallway is reverberating with the sound of her laughter._

_And then, Jungeun joins in, too, and she’s not as loud as Jiwoo, but her laughter is genuine and Jinsol finds the way her eyes narrow and her teeth show really cute._

_They continue laughing for a while, and then Jungeun slowly stands up, slapping Jinsol’s left arm, “Smart move, Jinsol. I completely forgot I wanted to strangle Jiwoo just now.”_

_Jinsol gives her a lopsided grin, and though she’s still a little shaken up on the inside because of her confession-that-hadn’t-been-an-actual-confession, she’s glad she managed to make them stop fighting._

_”Sorry for fighting like that, Solie”, Jiwoo says apologetically, reaching out a hand to her roommate, who reluctantly takes it and helps her up._

_Solie? Is that her new nickname? She smiles. It’s cute, and the way Jiwoo says it makes it sound like an adorable little puppy’s name._

_”It’s okay, I just didn’t really know what to do”, she answers, looking down at the ground, “I’m not really good with stuff like that.”_

_Jiwoo gives her a warm smile and Jinsol can feel a sense of relief wash over her, knowing that the situation is defused and everything’s fine now._

_They talk for a few more minutes before Jungeun decides they really need to go back to their dorm, and so they say their goodbyes, and Jiwoo makes her promise to visit their dorm the next day, and the two girls are already walking down the hallway with Jinsol looking after them, when the red-haired girl suddenly spins around and runs back, holding her phone out to her. For some reason her intoxicated brain doesn’t register what she wants from her, and so she just looks back at her, thoroughly confused as to why she wants her to take her phone._

_”I need your number, silly. I’ll text you the room number ‘cause you’ll probably forget it again”, she explains, smacking her forehead and Jinsol lets out a small “Oh”, before slowly typing it in and giving her a goofy smile._

_Jiwoo just rolls her eyes and smiles back, waving like a child before taking off again, and Jinsol watches her skip down the long hallway, catching up to her friend and eventually disappearing around the corner.___

”You talked to them last night or what?”, Sooyoung asks now, lifting her head up to look at her with a raised eyebrow. For some reason the way she’s staring at her makes her feel like there could be a wrong answer to this question, and she wonders if Sooyoung and those girls have some sort of problem with each other. Or maybe she’s just imagining things and her roommate really isn’t as concerned with all of this as Jinsol thinks she is. 

”Yeah, I kinda walked in on Jiwoo throwing up and crying in the bathroom”, she replies with a small laugh. 

_ _ _The other girl giggles, “Typical Jiwoo. She never knows when to stop.”_ _ _

_ _ _This makes her raise her eyebrows questioningly. What if Sooyoung is friends with these girls? The way she’d said this makes it seem like she knows Jiwoo well, and she’d sounded pretty amused in a good way._ _ _

_ _ _”Are you...Are you guys friends?”, she asks carefully, still feeling like there’s a chance she could say something wrong or somehow overstep some imaginary boundaries she might’ve just set in her mind, but still make her feel unsure._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung furrows her eyebrows and doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, as if she has to think about it and more and more Jinsol is convinced there might be some bad blood between them._ _ _

_ _ _”Let’s say we used to be close”, she starts, examining the nails of her left hand as if to seem extra unbothered, “Jungeun and Jiwoo are still part of our friend group, but we kinda drifted apart, you know.”_ _ _

_ _ _So she’d been right after all, something _had_ happened, or at least she thinks it must’ve because close friends usually don’t just drift apart for no reason, right?___ _ _

_ _ _But she doesn’t dare ask any further questions out of fear of overstepping and making things awkward, and Sooyoung doesn’t seem like she’s going to explain anything else, so she just nods and quickly adds Jiwoo’s number to her contacts before putting her phone away and looking over at her friend, who gives her a smile that makes her feel all warm inside. She smiles back and they’re both quiet, but it’s good just sitting there together without having to talk. She likes it, and it’s very peaceful in a way she doesn’t think she’s experienced before._ _ _

_ _ _The other girl yawns and stretches her arms a little. “God, I’m still so fucking tired. And my head fucking hurts.”_ _ _

_ _ _She’d basically just voiced what Jinsol had been thinking ever since she’d woken up a few hours ago, and she’s been wishing to just fall back onto her bed and sleep for the rest of the day._ _ _

_ _ _”We should sleep some more”, she suggests, her voice weak and tired, and Sooyoung nods slowly._ _ _

_ _ _”Yeah, we should”, she agrees, shifting a little on the couch so there’s some more room next to her, looking at her with her eyebrows raised._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol gulps, realizing she wants her to lie down next her, and just when she’d thought she’d finally managed to be a little less panicked and nervous around the girl she surprises her once more._ _ _

_ _ _Her heart is racing a little, and Sooyoung is still waiting for her to lie down, so she awkwardly does so, trying to leave some space between them which is basically impossible on the small couch._ _ _

_ _ _She thinks this must be the closest they’ve ever been, and somehow it’s different from the time they were lying next to each other on her bed. It feels even more special and intimate, and she doesn’t know how she’s supposed to manage to fall asleep like this._ _ _

_ _ _She’s staring up at the ceiling, but out of the corner of her eye she can see that Sooyoung is looking at her, and she thinks if she turns her head to face her now her heart will literally stop. Closing her eyes, she tries to just give in to her fatigue, but it’s hard when she can feel her breathe right next to her, feel her body pressed against hers, and for a short moment she considers just getting up and lying down on her own bed._ _ _

_ _ _But even if she wanted to she couldn’t, because now Sooyoung is wrapping an arm around her waist and snuggling into her side, and Jinsol genuinely thinks this is where her heart gives out. She’s barely breathing now, and she really doesn’t know how she’s going to survive this whole thing._ _ _

_ _ _It seems like her roommate can sense her nervousness, because she wraps her arm around her even tighter, nudging her slightly. _ _ _

_ _ _”Why are you so stiff, Jinsol?”, she asks, amusement evident in her voice, like her internal breakdown is funny to her._ _ _

_ _ _She reminds herself that she must’ve done this countless times, must’ve teased girls like this countless times, and she doesn’t want her to know that the fact bothers her just a little, so she forces herself to relax, breathing out slowly._ _ _

_ _ _”This couch is just kinda small, that’s all.”_ _ _

_ _ _”Are you saying you don’t wanna sleep here with me?”_ _ _

_ _ _Her voice is teasing, and now Jinsol is sure she’s enjoying all of this, and it makes her feel a little irritated to know Sooyoung is literally playing with her at this very moment, making her a nervous wreck for her own entertainment, but she pushes that thought away as she takes another deep breath and turns around to face her._ _ _

_ _ _”You know I would never say that”, she responds with a sly smile, and she hopes it makes her look cool because she definitely does not feel that way on the inside._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung smiles back, her eyes narrowing. “Good”, she says in a satisfied tone, closing her eyes and adjusting her position so she has both of her arms wrapped around Jinsol._ _ _

_ _ _The blonde turns so that her back is facing the other girl, and they’re spooning now and it feels...good. It feels really good, and she notices that she’s starting to calm down a little, and maybe, she thinks, she’ll actually manage to fall asleep on this tiny sofa wrapped in Sooyoung’s arms._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _When she wakes up hours later, she’s feeling a little dizzy but her headache is finally gone. Her friend is still pressed into her back and she can feel her chest rise up and down slowly. Blinking, she slowly shifts so she’s lying on her back instead of on her side, and she smiles when she sees how peaceful Sooyoung looks. _Like a little baby.____ _ _

She just lies there for a while, watching the other girl sleep and wondering if she’s dreaming of anything right now, hoping that if she is, she’s dreaming of something nice. It makes her remember her own nightmare from last night and she shudders. It’s like they just keep getting worse and worse every time, and the thought of her screaming in her sleep saddens her.

Then again, she figures she deserves this. After all she’d taken someone’s fucking life. But he deserved what he got, too, didn’t he? He was a murderer too, wasn’t he?

Her head is starting to spin, and she decides she really can’t think of such things right now, especially not with a dry throat and an empty stomach, so she wriggles herself out of Sooyoung’s grip, careful not to wake her up, and gets up off the couch.

She looks over at Sooyoung’s desk, full of snacks and drinks, and grabs a bottle of iced tea and a bag of potato chips, and she _really_ needs to start eating actual food.__

_ _Picking up her phone off the couch, she checks the time, 3:27pm, and scrolls past a bunch of notifications from various social media apps while shoving a handful of chips in her mouth before spotting a text from Jiwoo._ _

_when r u coming over solie!!! :D___

_ _ _The message had been sent half an hour ago, and Jinsol thinks for a moment, figuring she might as well just go there right now. Sure, she has to get ready for her first actual college day tomorrow, but she isn’t planning on doing that until later anyway, and she does really wanna see the girls and their dorm._ _ _

_ _ _She texts her back telling her she’s coming over now and then grabs a pair of blue skinny jeans and a black pullover and quickly puts them on in the bathroom, afraid her roommate might wake up and see her change in front of her, proceeding to put on some light makeup and some perfume and brush her hair, and when she looks at herself in the mirror she likes what she sees. Her look is simple but nice, and with a small satisfied smile she grabs one of her favorite necklaces from the little black box she keeps her jewellery in and puts it on._ _ _

_ _ _When she walks past the couch, she stops for a second to look at Sooyoung who’s still sound asleep on the couch, and for some reason she feels a little like she’s sneaking out, like she’s going somewhere she shouldn’t._ _ _

_ _ _But she quickly dismisses the thought because after all, even though something might’ve happened, it’s not like Jiwoo and Jungeun are Sooyoung’s enemies; she’d said it herself, they’re still friends._ _ _

_ _ _And now they’re Jinsol’s friends, too, and she’s allowed to go see her friends if she wants, and Sooyoung isn’t going to be mad, and Jinsol’s just overthinking again._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _She knocks on the door and a few seconds later Jiwoo opens it wide, a bright smile on her face, and she’s wearing big glasses and a pastel pink tracksuit, and she has some pigtails, too. Jinsol thinks she looks really cute, and she gives her a smile as the shorter girl greets her with a loud “Hi” and pulls her into a tight hug._ _ _

When she steps inside the dorm there’s music coming from a phone on the desk she figures is Jiwoo’s because Jungeun is lying on her bed scrolling on hers, but as soon as Jinsol enters she puts it away and sits up.

”Hey”, she says, grinning slightly and she smiles back and holds her right hand up. She spots a guitar next to the bed, and she thinks she’d really like to hear Jungeun play it someday.

Jiwoo leads her to the couch which is exactly the same as the one Sooyoung and her have, except there’s a few colorful pillows on it, and she doesn’t even have to ask to know those were Jiwoo’s idea. In general the room looks a lot more colorful and friendly than theirs, with posters and pictures of Jungeun, Jiwoo and some other people she doesn’t recognize all over the place, and she spots a few plants as well. Jiwoo’s bed has pillows and plushies all over it, and there’s a pink comforter, too. Next to it, Jungeun’s bed looks pretty plain and boring with its two white pillows and white blanket, and it’s empty now because she’s walking over to them, sitting down next to Jinsol.

”How bad was your hangover?”, she asks, eyebrows raised, and casually leans back a little.

”Insanely bad”, she gives back, thinking of the humongous headache and the blackout that had made her forget about the two of them completely for a while, which she obviously doesn’t mention.

”Well, mine wasn’t bad at all!”, Jiwoo joins in with a happy grin, causing Jungeun to roll her eyes.

”Yeah, she only needs a coffee and an Aspirin and she’s all good again, no matter how many drinks she had the night before.”

”You can’t bring down Jiwoo!”, the girl with the bangs says triumphantly and they all laugh.

It’s a little weird seeing the two of them talk so casually, like they hadn’t practically tried to kill each other last night, and she wonders if they talked about it, or if they just dismissed it as nothing but some drunken fighting.

”About your, uh-“, she hesitates, afraid she might inadvertently start something, “About your fight, did you-“

”Oh, don’t worry about that! We just overreacted really, we’re not mad at each other anymore”, Jiwoo interrupts nonchalantly, waving a hand and grabbing her phone from the desk to change the song that’s playing.

”Yeah, I mean Jiwoo is an ass, but it’s whatever”, Jungeun says casually, shrugging, and her roommate immediately leans forward to flick her fingers against her forehead.

”Hey! I might’ve lost your shirt, but you’re still the ass here, and you always will be!”

The silver-haired girl grins at that, and the exchange makes Jinsol giggle. You can tell they’re close, and she asks herself if they’ve been roommates since they first started college.

”By the way, have you guys always been roommates?”, she questions, and Jiwoo immediately lets out a loud laugh.

”Not only that, we’ve been friends since middle school!”

Jinsol raises her eyebrows, it doesn’t really surprise her all that much, but it’s a really long time, and she doesn’t have a single friend she’s known _that_ long.__

_ _”I know, it’s hard to imagine me being friends with someone like that for so long”, Jungeun comments, earning a slap on her arm from Jiwoo, and Jinsol laughs. They might’ve tried to strangle each other last night, and they’re teasing each other nonstop, but they still have one of those friendships where you can just tell they’re each other’s ride-or-die._ _

_ _Then, Jungeun scoots closer to her, leaning forward and eyeing her interestedly, her face right in front of hers. She’s really close now, her legs pressing against Jinsol’s, and it feels different than with Sooyoung, she’s not panicked or nervous, instead it’s like it sparks something in her. Something that wants more._ _

_ _”So”, she says, her voice deep and mysterious, narrowing her eyes dramatically, “You must be new here. I’ve never seen you around.”_ _

_ _Now Jiwoo scoots closer, too, and she’s trapped in between them and their curious, hungry eyes._ _

_ _”Right, we never got to ask you that last night!”, she adds, and Jinsol internally braces herself to give the same old speech she’s perfected by now, reciting it to everyone she’d talked to so far. She’d left her hometown and her old college due to personal reasons and this is a new start for her, blah, blah, blah._ _

_ _”Uh, yeah...I transferred campus ‘cause of some...personal stuff.”_ _

_ _Jungeun nods silently, leaning back again. Jiwoo however furrows her brows and pouts a little, tilting her head slightly when she asks, “Personal stuff?”_ _

_ _Jinsol is taken aback, looking back and forth between the two of them nervously and fiddling with her hands. No one had ever probed, everyone had just moved on and talked about something else, and she doesn’t really know what to say now. This wasn’t planned._ _

_ _But then Jungeun slaps her arm and huffs, giving her friend an indignant look and shaking her head slightly, silently signaling she’d just made a dumb mistake._ _

_ _The other girl raises her hands apologetically, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be intrusive, Solie.”_ _

_ _Jinsol just smiles and shakes her head, waving her off and looking down at her lap absently. _You already know the answer.____ _

_ _ _Then, Jiwoo’s face lights up when she speaks up again, “So who are you rooming with?”_ _ _

_ _ _For a moment, Jinsol isn’t sure whether she should answer the question, whether things are really okay between these girls and Sooyoung, whether her answer would make things weird, and she clears her throat awkwardly._ _ _

_ _ _”Uhm…”, she starts, realizing lying about the identity of her roommate would be a fatal mistake, especially if she’s going to be seeing the two of them more often, and so she decides to just settle for the truth, figuring she’s probably just being too careful again._ _ _

_ _ _“Sooyoung. I’m rooming with Sooyoung.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jiwoo’s expression falls, albeit only slightly, but it does, and her smile is just a little weaker, but enough for Jinsol to notice. Jungeun shifts uneasily, nodding a little and giving her a tight-lipped smile._ _ _

_ _ _”That’s cool! Yeah...Sooyoung’s cool!”, Jiwoo responds overly enthusiastically, and Jinsol can tell that the air is just a little bit too tense now, which is exactly what she’d feared would happen._ _ _

_ _ _It’s clear that they’re all not telling her something, she’d seen it in that uneasy look Sooyoung had tried so hard to conceal and she can feel it now in the awkward silence that’s starting to spread. And she gets it, after all they barely know her, but nevertheless the whole thing is starting to irritate her just a little._ _ _

_ _ _The blonde clears her throat, shifting slightly. “Yeah, Sooyoung’s cool”, she states in a monotone voice, unsure of what to say next._ _ _

_ _ _Suddenly Jiwoo jumps up and walks over to her cupboard, grabbing the three bottles of orange juice and the bag of maltesers on it, holding them out to Jinsol and Jungeun with a bright smile. _So this is her way of changing the topic.____ _ _

_ _ _”You like orange juice a lot, huh?”, Jinsol asks, raising an eyebrow, doing her part to save them from the awkwardness._ _ _

_ _ _”Oh, she’s addicted”, Jungeun joins in now, “I sometimes think she’s more interested in orange juice than she is in her boyfriend.”_ _ _

_ _ _”Hey!”, Jiwoo says, giving her a genuinely offended look and slapping her arm again before proceeding to sit down and open the bottle to take a big gulp._ _ _

_ _ _“I mean, I don’t blame you”, the silver-haired girl starts, leaning toward Jinsol and putting her hand in front of her mouth, her voice low when she continues, “Orange juice is like ten times more interesting than him.”_ _ _

_ _ _”Hey!”, Jiwoo repeats, sounding even more offended now, “I heard you, bitch!”_ _ _

_ _ _Jungeun laughs, and even Jinsol can’t help but giggle, making Jiwoo cross her arms and stare at them angrily._ _ _

_ _ _”You’re just jealous I’m actually dating someone while you can’t find a girl who’s able to tolerate you to save your life!”_ _ _

_ _ _The other girl opens her mouth in feigned shock before breaking out in laughter the next second. “Oh, she’s mad, huh?”, she lets out in between giggles, making Jiwoo huff and roll her eyes before opening up the bag of maltesers and angrily shoving a handful in her mouth._ _ _

_ _ _ _A girl?_ Once again she’s surprised, but pleasantly so, another pretty girl that likes girls sounds great to her. Not that she’d ever have a chance with either of them, but still, there’s something really nice about it.__ _ _ _

_ _ _”I’d rather be single forever than date someone as boring as Jaeyong”, Jungeun says once she’s calmed down, and Jiwoo doesn’t say anything, instead she throws a chocolate ball right at her face, and the other girl lets out a laugh before leaning forward to grab some maltesers. Seconds later, the two are throwing them at each other, giggling and Jinsol just smiles and shakes her head, grabbing a handful to eat instead of throw. These girls are goofballs, but she likes it._ _ _

_ _ _When they finally stop throwing candy around, they all fall into easy conversation, and Jinsol is impressed when she finds out Jiwoo is a music major and has been playing different instruments since she was little, amused when Jungeun tells the story of how one business major had shown up stoned to a 9am class once and flustered when she offers to take her for a ride on her motorcycle._ _ _

_ _ _”Ugh, you ask every girl that”, Jiwoo comments, rolling her eyes and shaking her head._ _ _

_ _ _”Not _every_ girl”, Jungeun responds, shifting her gaze towards Jinsol, “Just the ones I actually like.”___ _ _

_ _ _She can feel her cheeks redden, and when the other girl winks at her with a cocky smile, she looks down at her lap, incredibly flustered. These girls are going to ruin her._ _ _

_ _ _They’re in the midst of a discussion about the best and worst Mcdonald’s burgers when Jinsol feels her phone vibrate in her jeans pocket. When she turns it on she’s met with a text notification from Sooyoung, and it’s just a picture, but she can’t really see anything other than the top half of her face. Why is she sending her a picture out of nowhere with no caption?_ _ _

_ _ _Unlocking her phone, she opens her messages and clicks on her chat with Sooyoung, almost dropping her phone as soon as she does._ _ _

_ _ _The picture her friend had sent her is a selfie, but not a normal one._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung isn’t wearing anything other than black lace underwear._ _ _


	4. Shoplifters

“Oh, that? It was for someone else. Whoops.”

When Jinsol is back at the dorm asking Sooyoung about the picture and receives this short, nonchalant explanation, she’s baffled to say the least. She doesn’t know what stuns her more, the fact that her roommate doesn’t even seem to care she’d sent her something like that, or the fact she’d seen it in the first place.

Yeah, maybe she shouldn’t be this shaken up over it considering she’s seen her _naked_, but how could she not be? Sooyoung, magical, sexy, beautiful Sooyoung had practically sent her a nude and even though it was apparently an accident, she still has it on her phone, right there in their chat.__

_ _She ignores the little sting she feels at the thought of her intending to send that to someone else, someone that isn’t her, instead standing awkwardly in the middle of the room wondering what to do next._ _

_ _Then she realizes that if Sooyoung hadn’t actually meant to send that picture to her, she isn’t really supposed to have it on her phone, and she opens up their chat to delete it._ _

_ _”Uhh...By the way, I’m deleting the picture, don’t worry.”_ _

_ _Sooyoung, who’s sitting on her bed boredly scrolling on her phone looks up and lets out a laugh._ _

_ _”You’re cute”, she says, pouting slightly and raising her eyebrows a little. “Jinsol, I don’t care what you do with the picture. Keep it if you want. Look at it when you need to.”_ _

_ _She says that last sentence while giving her a seductive wink and a lewd grin, and Jinsol gulps. The thought of her getting off to a picture of her roommate in underwear is...a little much._ _

_ _Sooyoung goes back to typing away on her phone, leaving her conflicted. Obviously the right and respectful thing to do is delete the picture, even if her friend says she doesn’t mind her having it. But then again...What harm would it do to keep it? It’s not like she’s going to actually look at it while masturbating, she’d just take a quick glance every now and then...to do what exactly?_ _

_ _She shakes her head and frowns at her really fucking inappropriate thoughts. There is literally no reason at all for her to keep the picture._ _

_ _And so she opens up their chat and deletes it, feeling a weird sense of relief wash over her, and she’s glad the picture’s gone now, or at least that’s what she tells herself._ _

_ _Just as she’s about to turn off her phone, she sees a message in a completely new chat called “shoplifters” pop up and she furrows her eyebrows as she opens it. It’s from Sooyoung and it says, “welcome jinsol ;)”. She looks over at the girl questioningly, who immediately meets her gaze and gives her a cheeky grin._ _

_ _”Congrats on making it into the group chat.”_ _

_ _Jinsol is still giving her a puzzled look, not understanding what kind of group chat that’s supposed to be, and Sooyoung just laughs and shakes her head._ _

_ _”It’s the girls, Jinsol.”_ _

_ _The blonde opens her mouth and lets out an “Ahh”, knowing exactly who she means by that and nods. Then she realizes she does have another question._ _

_ _”Why is it called ‘shoplifters’?”_ _

_ _Her roommate smiles conspiratorially before beginning to tell her the story of how she met Chaewon, Hyejoo, Heejin and Hyunjin at some guy’s party in their first semester and how they’d ended up stealing booze from a gas station together as a result of a wild game of truth or dare, and how the next day Heejin had made that group chat._ _

_ _”I guess we could just never really be bothered to change the name”, she says, shrugging, “And now don’t tell the others I said this, but I think it’s cute we kept it, because that night was the night we all became friends.”_ _

_ _”Aw, who would’ve thought Sooyoung has a sentimental side to her, too?”, Jinsol teases, wiggling her eyebrows._ _

_ _Sooyoung rolls her eyes, trying to hold back a smile, and then she gets up and sits down next to her, taking her phone._ _

_ _”I’m saving their contacts for you.”_ _

_ _When she’s done and hands her her phone back, she gives her a little smile, and they stare at each other for a second before suddenly, Sooyoung’s face lights up, her eyes twinkling with mischief._ _

_ _”You know what?”, she asks, narrowing her eyes and giving her a devilish grin, “I think we’re making this a little too easy for you.”_ _

_ _Jinsol blinks, confused, a little scared, and her roommate lets out a giggle, making her increasingly nervous. She knows whatever it is this girl is clearly planning can’t be good._ _

_ _”You see, everyone in the group chat is in it because they shoplifted”, she continues, and now Jinsol realizes what she is implying, her wide eyes meeting Sooyoung’s excited ones._ _

_ _”Sooyoung…”, she cuts her off, furrowing her brows and slightly shaking her head. “I’m not doing this.”_ _

_ _The other girl tilts her head to the side and shoots her an irritated look as if she’d just said no to letting her borrow her shirt instead of stealing something from a store._ _

_ _”Come on, it’s really not that big of a deal. You just walk into a store, grab something, put it in your bag, and walk back out. It’s just for fun, just because you’re in the group chat now and everyone else did it, too.”_ _

_ _”Maybe I don’t think shoplifting is fun, Sooyoung. And why do I even have to steal something just so I can be in some group chat?”_ _

_ _Even though Jinsol feels pretty uncomfortable by now, she’s still talking calmly, rationally, because no matter how uneasy and defensive she gets she rarely lashes out in situations like these, never wanting things to escalate, never wanting to start an argument._ _

_ _”That’s not the point. Of course you don’t have to steal something just to be in the group chat, but it would be fun for you to do it so all of us have that thing in common, you know? So we all have that...connection.”_ _

_ _Jinsol frowns, not understanding how shoplifting is supposed to create some connection between them, or why they’d need something like that when they all get along just fine anyway. Unless the girls don’t actually like her all that much, and they merely befriended her because she’s Sooyoung’s roommate and they’re bound to be seeing each other a lot anyway._ _

_ _And there it is again, her damn insecurity. She hates the way it makes her question things, things like people seeming to actually like her, actually wanting to be her friends, and she remembers how long it had taken her to accept her friends back at home in fact wanted to hang out with her outside of class where she’d let them copy her test answers and make fun of their teachers with them while they’d lecture them on something they would totally never need to know outside of school._ _

_ _”Sooyoung, I-“, she starts, but then the other girl suddenly grabs her hands and looks at her with puppy dog eyes._ _

_ _”Please, Jinsol, it’d be really funny, okay? And I’ll steal something with you if you’re scared to do it alone. Please.”_ _

_ _The blonde just stares at her for a few seconds, conflicted and clueless as to what she’s supposed to respond with now. She finds it kind of comical that Sooyoung is practically begging her to go fucking _shoplift_ with her, but at the same time she can’t help but feel weak because of the way she’s looking at her, the way she’s holding her hands, and she knows that right now, she can’t say no.___ _

_ _ _Besides, a part of her feels like she isn’t entitled to making a fuss over some harmless shoplifting when she’s _killed_ someone, and even though she knows that it’s not true, that she doesn’t have to do this, it’s hard to shake that feeling.___ _ _

_ _ _She sighs. “Okay, I’ll do it. But we’re not stealing anything expensive.”_ _ _

_ _ _The smile Sooyoung gives her now almost has the power to convince her this is a good idea, and she smiles back nervously, her panic already rising at the mere thought of stealing something, even if it’s just a Snickers bar. She’s never done that before, and she’s never had the urge to either, so she doesn’t really get why her friend seems to be so excited about it._ _ _

_ _ _”This is gonna be sooo much fun!”, Sooyoung rejoices, and then, just as she’s about to grab her phone, probably to inform the group chat, her eyes widen and a mischievous grin creeps onto her face._ _ _

_ _ _”You know what? I think we should all do this. It’s gonna be just like that night, except this time you’ll be there, too, which makes it like, ten times better.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol smiles, and even though she’s still feeling really uneasy that comment makes her heart flutter. She watches the dark-haired girl furiously type on her phone, her fingers practically flying across the keyboard, and when she’s done she looks at her with an excited smile and there’s a glimmer in her eyes that tells her that this day is going to be anything other than boring._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _”If I’m being honest, I was planning on doing this anyway.”_ _ _

They all turn to Chaewon, who’s sitting next to Hyejoo in the backseat of Hyunjin’s big black Volvo and the short blonde smiles at them innocently.

They’re in the parking lot of some pretty big local store, and Jinsol wishes they hadn’t insisted on going here, because realistically their chances of being caught are really high, but “they have snacks other stores don’t have” which apparently cancels everything else out.

All of them are visibly excited to go in and recreate the night they first met each other. Well, all of them except for Jinsol, who’s anxiously fidgeting in her seat next to Sooyoung.

She’s staring out of the window absentmindedly, looking at all the cars standing around or pulling into the parking lot. Then, she suddenly feels a hand gently wrap around one of hers, and she turns her head to look at Sooyoung, who’s giving her an encouraging smile.

”Hey, don’t worry, okay? We’re not gonna get caught.”

Jinsol forces herself to smile back even though her nerves are killing her right now and she’s seriously contemplating telling the others she just can’t do it. She knows they would understand, but she also really doesn’t want to be a buzzkill, because for reasons beyond her the girls seem to be really happy about this.

When they all get out she feels Sooyoung’s hand softly grip hers again, and she wonders if it’s really that obvious her nervousness is through the roof right now. Still, it calms her, and she takes a deep breath, telling herself nothing bad is gonna happen before they all walk into the store.

Inside, Chaewon immediately walks towards the snack aisle and they all follow her, still unsure of what they themselves want to get. She looks around to check for cameras, while the rest of them scan for any other customers closeby. Luckily the aisle is empty and the closest security camera can’t see them from the angle it’s positioned at.

They watch as she swiftly puts bag after bag into the white backpack she brought, and Jinsol stands there with wide eyes, getting more and more anxious with each second that passes.

When she’s finally done after what feels like an eternity to Jinsol she grins mischievously. “So, who’s next?”

They all look at each other for a few seconds, before Sooyoung suddenly grabs her hand and loudly announces: “I’ll go get something with Jinsol so she doesn’t piss herself!”

Everyone giggles except for the blonde, who throws her an offended look and earns a shrug in response.

The next moment she’s already being dragged out of the aisle and the other girl interlaces their fingers, making Jinsol’s heart race even more than before. She leads her to the booze aisle and to their dismay there’s a few people standing around looking up at the countless of bottles, trying to decide what to buy.

The two girls look at each other for a moment, silently deciding to wait around till they’re gone. It takes a few minutes, but then they’re finally alone and Sooyoung quickly checks for any cameras, a cocky grin on her face when she realizes she can’t spot any.

”It’s like they want people to steal from them.”

Jinsol lets out a nervous giggle, and she’s really not in the mood for jokes right now, no matter how surprisingly easy stealing from this store appears to be.

Her friend reaches out to grab a pretty expensive wine bottle, admiring it for a while, letting her gaze wander over it lazily, and it makes Jinsol get impatient. She thinks she should just put it in her handbag already so they can get this over with as soon as possible.

She watches her put the bottle back and walk further down the aisle, to where the hard liquor’s standing. Jinsol follows her, and she can’t stop her eyes from darting back and forth, left and right, just waiting for someone to round the corner as Sooyoung is letting bottle after bottle disappear in her handbag.

But no one comes, and Sooyoung spends the next five minutes just looking at various wines, whiskeys and vodkas, and while to Jinsol the whole thing is pure fucking torture, she seems to be enjoying it, examining every bottle with a content smile that just won’t seem to leave her face.

She’s putting her third bottle into the bag when someone walks into the aisle. It’s a guy with a uniform. _Well shit._ He’s on his phone so he hasn’t spotted them yet, and Jinsol’s pretty sure he’s some security guy.__

_ _ But he’s not the only one who’s distracted: Sooyoung is still focused on the bottles in front of her, and Jinsol grabs her arm to get her attention._ _

_ _”Sooyoung, look”, she says in a hushed whisper even though she knows he can’t hear them from the other side of the aisle._ _

_ _The other girl finally turns around, still holding a bottle in one of her hands, and right when she does, the guy looks up from his phone. For a few seconds they just stare at each other, and Jinsol knows how bad this looks: There’s Sooyoung with the bottle in her hands and her handbag open, and there’s her looking like a deer in headlights, frozen in place. Shoplifting is practically written across their faces._ _

_ _He’s scanning them, trying to figure out if they’re doing what he thinks they’re doing, she can tell, and the few seconds it takes for him to do something seem to drag on endlessly._ _

_ _But then he does: He pockets his phone and starts walking towards them quickly, and the two of them only look at each other for a millisecond before sprinting in the other direction._ _

_ _They run straight ahead, then into another aisle, then straight ahead again, repeating this a few times, and Jinsol doesn’t know where they’re going, blindly following Sooyoung, who still has that damn grin on her face, and she genuinely can’t believe her friend is actually having fun._ _

_ _ She doesn’t know whether he’s right behind them or they’re out of his sight either, all she knows is the adrenaline shooting through her whole body and the rapid beating of her heart._ _

_ _They run into Heejin and Hyunjin in the bread aisle, the two girls looking at them wide-eyed and in shock._ _

_ _”Some security guy saw us. We need to go _now_”, Sooyoung sputters, grabbing their arms and dragging them along, and they’re not running as quickly as before now, instead jogging and nervously looking around trying to spot either Chaewon and Hyejoo or the security guy.___ _

_ _ _Jinsol feels like she could faint out of fear, knowing that the guy has most likely or is going to report them or something, and she sees police sirens and handcuffs, and all she can think about is how badly she regrets letting her roommate talk her into this._ _ _

_ _ _The group finally finds their two friends in the electronic aisle, and as soon as they see them running towards them, they start moving, too, and so the six of them make their way towards the exit, like a flock of sheep running past confused and annoyed customers just trying to get out of that damn store._ _ _

_ _ _Then, when Jinsol can finally see the exit in front of her, she looks to the side and locks eyes with him. He’s jogging, and he’s way slower than she would’ve expected, completely out of breath and his face red and angry._ _ _

_ _ _”Guys, he’s right there”, she warns and the others don’t even turn around and just speed up even more, and she’s convinced she’s never run this fast in her entire life, not even when they were forced to race against each other in P.E. and she’d try really hard._ _ _

_ _ _They’ve almost reached the exit when she spots a basket filled with snickers, a small sign saying “50% off” in big red letters above it, and maybe she does it because she actually hasn’t taken anything so far and doesn’t want to have been chased by this guy for nothing, or maybe she just really wants this dumb Snickers bar, but she takes two big steps to the right and grabs one, shoving it into one of her coat pockets quickly._ _ _

_ _ _They run out into the parking lot at full speed and when she looks back, she briefly sees the man behind the sliding door bending over, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _”What were you even doing in the electronic aisle?”, Hyunjin asks, eyes on the road and one hand on the steering wheel while the other is holding Heejin’s._ _ _

The question is directed at Chaewon and Hyejoo, who are sitting in the far back of the car, and the two of them giggle mischievously.

”We stole a couple switch games”, Chaewon gives back proudly.

”I thought we didn’t wanna steal expensive stuff?”, Heejin interjects, “I mean, this was just for the fun of it after all.”

Jinsol snorts quietly. For her the fun part was kind of overshadowed by the constant fear of being caught and then actually being caught.

” Just because we did it for fun doesn’t mean we can’t get some nice shit out of it”, Hyejoo says now, and Jinsol can practically feel her eye roll. “What’d you guys steal anyway?”

Heejin turns around and hands Jinsol her handbag with a smile, Sooyoung scoots closer to see what’s inside and both Chaewon and Hyejoo lean forward to take a look.

There’s lots of small trinkets like cheap bracelets, keychains and little toy figures, and you can tell Heejin stole these just because, and Jinsol pictures her walking through different aisles grabbing whatever catches her eye with swift fingers and letting it disappear within a second, and for some reason she could see her pickpocket people if she didn’t have the money she has.

There’s also tons of pastry, and Heejin smiles her cute little smile where her eyes narrow and her teeth show as she takes the bag back.

”Hyunjin got hungry”, she says, still smiling that smile, now looking over at her girlfriend dreamily, and the way she says it makes the sentence sound like it’s something special, something magical. Jinsol thinks she’s rarely ever seen someone be _this_ in love.__

_ _”And what did you two get?”, Chaewon asks now, looking at Jinsol and Sooyoung with curiosity._ _

_ _Sooyoung opens her handbag and pulls out the bottles, proudly showing them off._ _

_ _”You got some expensive stuff”, Hyejoo comments, proceeding to grab a bottle of vodka and drink from it, completely ignoring the other girl’s outraged look and instead handing the bottle to Chaewon afterwards._ _

_ _The five of them all take turns sipping the alcohol, and when Hyunjin reaches for the bottle, Heejin clasps her hand instead._ _

_ _”Oh, no, baby. You’re not drinking while driving”, she says in purposely exaggerated disapproval, sounding like a teacher talking to a student who just asked if the class can just play video games instead of learning algebra, and Hyunjin just rolls her eyes before leaning forward to plant a kiss on her lips._ _

_ _They’re eating some of Hyunjin’s pastry when Sooyoung opens her mouth slightly, as if she’d just realized something._ _

_ _”Fuck”, she mutters, and everyone turns around to face her. “Jinsol forgot to steal something. Fuck that fat security guy.”_ _

_ _She seems genuinely upset her friend didn’t get to shoplift, and it makes Jinsol giggle and shake her head. The blonde remembers her snickers and triumphantly pulls it out of her coat pocket, wagging her eyebrows._ _

_ _”Wait...When did you get this?”, Sooyoung asks, and there’s a proud smile on her face as she grabs the chocolate bar._ _

_ _”When we were running from that guy.”_ _

_ _Out of nowhere, Sooyoung starts clapping her hands, and everyone joins in, even Hyunjin, whose hands Heejin promptly guides back to the steering wheel._ _

_ _Jinsol laughs, finding the whole thing comical, but also feeling just a little proud of herself, even though it’s only a snickers._ _

_ _”Well”, Sooyoung says, taking a bite, “You’re officially a shoplifter!”_ _

_ _They smile at each other, and this all feels weirdly official, like sorority pledging or something, and she really doesn’t know why her roommate seems to be so dramatic about this whole shoplifting thing, but she seems satisfied, so Jinsol is, too._ _

* * *

_ _She’s just about to go to bed when she gets the text._ _

She’d spent the past few hours preparing for her first day of college tomorrow, and now, at 11:12pm, she’s showered and put on her PJ’s, and wants to do nothing other than pass out on her bed.

She’s had an incredibly long day and she kind of can’t believe it started with her waking up in Heejin and Hyunjin’s dorm completely hungover and led her to stealing from a store and being chased by their security guy.

In retrospect it’s been an amazing day. Every single part of it, even the shoplifting, and she doesn’t regret letting Sooyoung convince her to do it anymore.

Latter left the dorm about an hour ago, telling her that “she’s going to see a friend” while wiggling her tongue and raising her eyebrows, and Jinsol knows exactly what she’s doing right now.

When she’d stood at the door and smiled back at her right before leaving, for a second she’d wanted to ask her if she was seeing the same person she’d meant to send that picture to.

But she knows that she really doesn’t have a right to ask that, that it’s inappropriate and none of her business, so she’d kept her mouth shut. And yet, deep down she still can’t stop wondering who Sooyoung is with right now.

Sighing, she grabs her phone and is surprised to see Jungeun’s name pop up. The text reads: “u wanna go on a motorcycle ride?”

Jinsol just stares at the display, contemplating what she should do. On one hand she’d really love to ride on Jungeun’s bike, but on the other she needs to get to bed early if she wants to have a decent first day of college without having to walk around like a zombie.

But then again, didn’t she say she wants to be a different person? Didn’t she say she wants to always do the complete opposite of what she would usually do?

And just like that it’s decided. She texts her back: “sure. meet me at the parking lot”.

Jinsol can’t help but smile a little, both because she is seeing Jungeun and because she again did something she normally wouldn’t do, ignoring the consequences because this is it. This is what she needs to do to be able to move on from everything. She needs to become someone else, someone who just doesn’t care, someone strong, someone who can deal with everything and anything.

She gets ready as quickly as possible, hating the thought of making Jungeun wait, and right before she closes the door she glances at Sooyoung’s empty bed, and now she’s even more glad she’s doing this.

If Sooyoung can have fun so can she.

* * *

”Did you seriously put on a leather jacket just because I said we’re riding my bike?”, Jungeun asks with that amused look of hers as soon as they’re standing in front of each other.

She’s leaning against her shiny red motorcycle, a helmet in her left hand, and Jinsol feels like she’s a girl in a typical teenage romance movie being picked up by her cool crush with his motorcycle, except the silver-haired girl looks _so_ much cooler than any guy she’s ever seen in a movie.__

_ _”I had to. It just wouldn’t feel right without one”, she responds cheekily, making Jungeun giggle, and the sound warms her heart._ _

_ _”Doesn’t feel right without this either”, she says, handing her the helmet, and Jinsol’s about to put it on when she notices the other girl doesn’t have a second one._ _

_ _”Where’s yours?”, she asks, hoping she has it stored somewhere in her bike or something, even though it’s a sport bike so it doesn’t really have room for stuff like that._ _

_ _”Don’t worry about me. I don’t need that shit”, she says nonchalantly, already sitting on the bike, while Jinsol just stands there staring at her in disbelief._ _

_ _”What do you mean ‘you don’t need that shit’? Jungeun, something could happen-“_ _

_ _”Nothing will happen. I’ve done this more than enough, trust me”, she cuts her off, turning the engine on._ _

_ _”But Jungeun it’s dangerous, you can’t-“_ _

_ _”Sorry, I can’t hear you, the bike’s too loud”, she yells, a cocky smirk on her face, and Jinsol just sighs and puts on the helmet, proceeding to sit down behind her._ _

_ _”You need to chill, Jinsol”, she says turning her head towards her a little and giving her a small smile, to which Jinsol just raises her eyebrows, still not convinced this is a good idea._ _

_ _”Hold on tight”, Jungeun says now, and she awkwardly places her arms around her waist, not daring to grip it properly, afraid of doing too much._ _

_ _”I said ‘hold on tight’”, Jungeun repeats, grabbing Jinsol’s arms and dragging her closer so her front is pressed against Jungeun’s back, placing her hands on her stomach._ _

_ _Since the blonde is the taller one out of the two she’s forced to place her chin on the other girl’s shoulder, and she tries not to get too close which is kinda hard, but Jungeun doesn’t seem to mind the proximity._ _

_ _”You ready?”, she asks, grinning, and Jinsol realizes that she’s pretty much flawless even up close._ _

_ _She nods and they drive off the parking lot onto the road, Jungeun immediately speeding up, and it scares her for a second, so she holds onto the other girl tighter, and even though it’s only for a short moment, she thinks that out of the corner of her eye she can see her smile._ _

_ _They drive for miles and miles, and Jungeun’s long hair is flowing in the strong wind, and Jinsol feels free. It’s a certain kind of freedom she’s never experienced before, it’s wild and reckless, but also so liberating, and she comes to the conclusion she really wants to do this more often._ _

_ _She doesn’t know how long they’ve been driving for when they stop in front of a small building, she’s lost track of time, but when they do she wishes they could just continue driving._ _

_ _They both get off the bike and she clumsily takes the helmet off, instantly regretting it because her hair is all over her face and she knows she looks incredibly stupid right now. Embarrassed, she tries to fix it, but her hair is a gigantic mess, and she’s blushing now, internally cursing that dumb fucking helmet._ _

_ _Jungeun just laughs heartily and steps forward. “Here, let me help you”, she mutters, carefully detangling her hair while all Jinsol can do is stand there and look at the ground, too ashamed to do anything other than wait and smile awkwardly._ _

_ _The other girl is standing oddly close to her, maybe a little closer than necessary, but Jinsol doesn’t mind. She doesn’t mind the way she can smell her citrus perfume or the way she’s softly threading her slender fingers through her hair._ _

_ _Jinsol doesn’t mind at all._ _

* * *

_ _Turns out Jungeun had brought her to a bar, a jazz bar to be precise, and she really hadn’t thought that would be her thing._ _

”You like jazz?”, she asks curiously as they sit down on the high chairs right at the bar.

”It’s alright”, she gives back, sliding the drink menu across the table and pointing at it with her chin, indicating she should choose something.

”Oh, I thought you’d be like, a big fan. Isn’t this more like a thing for jazz enthusiasts?”, Jinsol asks, proceeding to look at the various cocktails the bar offers, and Jungeun laughs.

”Maybe, I don’t know. But who cares? I brought you here ‘cause we get free drinks. I know one of the bartenders”, she explains, and as soon as she says that a black-haired woman in a silver tank top and a black skirt walks over to them, a bright smile on her face as she approaches, and she looks like she’s only a few years older than them.

”You’re back, huh?”, she greets Jungeun, leaning over the bar counter to give her a tight hug that lasts maybe a little too long to pass as a hug between friends. “I missed you, idiot.”

”I missed you, too”, Jungeun answers, a soft smile on her face that reaches her eyes, and Jinsol feels out of place, like she’s interrupting something.

”And who do we have here?”, she asks now, her voice loud and cheery, turning towards the blonde with a smile like a movie star.

”That’s my friend Jinsol”, the silver-haired girl explains, grinning and the woman leans forward to wrap her in a hug, too.

It’s unexpected and Jinsol is kind of stiff, but when she lets her go she gives her her kindest smile just because this person seems actually nice and her friendliness is kind of infectious.

“My name’s Kyungmi”, she tells her before directing her attention back to Jungeun. ”So what can I get for you, baby?”, she asks, putting her elbows on the counter and propping up her chin, looking at the girl in front of her dreamily.

Baby? Who is this girl? Jungeun’s girlfriend maybe? She can’t say that thought doesn’t sting just a little, just the slightest bit, but mostly she’s just curious.

”I’ll have a Vodka Soda”, she says, then looking over at Jinsol, “What about you?”

She looks down at the drink menu again, still unsure which one among all of these fancy, special cocktails she’s supposed to get, so she decides to just order something she knows, something she can’t go wrong with.

”A margarita, please.”

Kyungmi nods and leaves them to make their drinks, and her friend shifts her chair closer, facing her with a teasing smirk.

Jinsol stares back, and the girl looks kind of expectant, but she has no idea what it is she’s waiting for.

Jungeun lets out a small giggle before licking her lips, and leaning in a little closer she says, “Come on, ask me. I saw your face when Kyungmi called me baby. I know you wanna know who she is.”

Now Jinsol is flustered because she hadn’t thought her confusion and maybe, possibly even slight jealousy had been that obvious. Nevertheless she wants to ask because well, she really wants to know, and Jungeun seems to be willing to answer—after all she’s the one who had brought it up—so she’s not really afraid of overstepping.

”Well”, she starts slowly, twisting at the ring on her index finger, “Who is she?”

The other girl raises her eyebrows and smirks slightly. “She’s my ex-“

They get interrupted by Kyungmi placing their drinks in front of them with a warm smile and winking at Jungeun, and she tells them to enjoy.

Jinsol’s mouth is standing open in surprise, and she’s not sure if what she just found out relieves or worries her because yeah, they’re not together _anymore_, but what ex calls their ex baby?__

_ _The other girl takes a long sip of her drink before sighing and turning to look at her again, this time speaking in a hushed tone so Kyungmi, who’s talking to someone right next to them can’t hear them._ _

_ _“She’s my ex-fuckbuddy.“_ _

_ _Once again Jinsol’s mouth falls open, and if she hadn’t known what to think of Kyungmi simply being her ex, she sure as hell doesn’t know what to think of Kyungmi being her ex-fuckbuddy._ _

_ _Chuckling, Jungeun reaches out and grabs her chin, pushing it up so her mouth is closed now, and Jinsol blushes at the action. She grabs her glass and quickly takes a deep gulp so she doesn’t have to look at the girl next to her, who’s grinning, clearly amused._ _

_ _When she’s done drinking she sighs and forces herself to return her look, giving her a tight-lipped smile._ _

_ _She wonders what made them “exes”, and most of all she wonders if Jungeun ever had any feelings for her. She seems to be pretty fond of her from what she’s seen, but that doesn’t have to mean anything._ _

_ _What she does know, though, is that Kyungmi definitely likes Jungeun as more than a friend. Even though she can be dense when it comes to things like that, it’s too obvious for her not to see it._ _

_ _She’s really not sure if she should say it, if she even has the right to considering that even though they may not have been a couple, this is still private matter. And maybe there’s no need to say it, maybe Jungeun knows anyway, hell, she probably does because how could she miss it?_ _

_ _ _For fuck’s sake. She hates the way she always overthinks everything she says and does, the way she can never seem to just let herself go, the way her brain always unnecessarily complicates everything. She’s tired of it. It needs to change._ _ _

_ _ _”You do know that girl is like, totally into you”, she finally lets out, trying to sound as laid-back as possible, reaching for her drink again to take a cool small sip and crossing her legs. It’s amazing how quickly she can change when she really wants to, at least on the outside._ _ _

_ _ _And then Jungeun laughs. First it’s just giggles spilling out of her mouth, then it turns into full-on laughter, and she’s leaning her head back and slapping her knees._ _ _

_ _ _When she’s finally calmed down after a minute or two, all she says is: “Yeah, no shit. God, you’re hilarious.”_ _ _

* * *

_ _ _Two hours and eight drinks later they’re both a little tipsy, just enough to lose their inhibitions, to touch each other more often; each other’s shoulders, each other’s legs, each other’s arms._ _ _

They’re tipsy enough to talk loud but also to exchange hushed whispers, they’re tipsy enough to _talk_: Talk about things they wouldn’t talk about if they were completely sober, because they simply care less, talk enough to give away something, but not enough to give away everything.__

_ _They’re both hunched over the counter, leaning into each other, elbows and arms touching, faces turned towards each other. They’re serene, happy to be in each other’s company, and unaware of the existence of first days of college and classes and alarm clocks early in the morning._ _

_ _”You know what’s funny? I go here so much but tonight it just seems different. Maybe it’s because I’m bringing someone new”, Jungeun whispers, eyes sparkling and fingers grazing Jinsol’s just a little._ _

_ _”Oh, so you bring people here often, huh?”, Jinsol questions, raising an eyebrow, not worried about saying the wrong thing or going too far anymore._ _

_ _The girl in front of her smirks. “Only people I think are cool”, she says lazily, her smile not leaving her face._ _

_ _”You think I’m cool?”_ _

_ _”I think you’re really cool.”_ _

_ _They smile at each other, and the alcohol must really be starting to get to Jinsol, because she lets herself run her fingertips across the back of Jungeun’s hand, slowly, softly, and when she meets her eyes there’s something different in them, a glimmer she hasn’t seen before._ _

_ _Jungeun gently pushes her hand up against Jinsol’s so she can interlace their fingers, and now they’re both sitting there tipsy, smiling and holding hands across the bar counter, and Jinsol feels at peace._ _

_ _”You know what I did today?”, she asks now, having the sudden urge to tell her about her day._ _

_ _The silver-haired girl shakes her head softly, grinning._ _

_ _”I shoplifted”, Jinsol whispers, leaning forward a little, eyes widening dramatically._ _

_ _Jungeun giggles adorably. “Really? What did you steal?”_ _

_ _”Oh, just a snickers. We got caught so I had to take it while running from some security guy.”_ _

_ _”Who’s ‘we’?”, Jungeun asks curiously._ _

_ _”Just me, Sooyoung, Heejin, Hyunjin, Chaewon and Hyejoo. Sooyoung said they all shoplifted the night they first met each other, so we wanted to recreate that or whatever”, she responds, absentmindedly drawing circles on the back of the other girl’s hand with her thumb._ _

_ _Out of nowhere, Jungeun lets go of her hand, sitting up properly, and her brows are furrowed and her mouth slightly open._ _

_ _”What?”, Jinsol laughs, confused, missing the feeling of her hand against hers._ _

_ _”No, it’s nothing”, she waves her off, looking hard at the wooden bar counter, and she genuinely doesn’t understand what’s wrong._ _

_ _”You seem a little irritated. Did I say something wrong?”, she asks, leaning forward and raising her eyebrows, and she’s close enough to be able to grab her hand again, but she thinks that maybe she shouldn’t right now, feeling guilty all of a sudden even though she cannot for the life of her pinpoint what she possibly could’ve said that made her upset._ _

_ _”No, you-No. It’s not you.”_ _

_ _”Then what is it?”_ _

_ _Jungeun finally looks up at her, and there’s uncertainty in her eyes. She opens her mouth a few times, but she can’t seem to find the right words to say, and Jinsol is growing more and more confused._ _

_ _”It’s just…”, she finally speaks up, looking back at the bar counter and then at her again, “Jiwoo and I were there, too, that night. We shoplifted with them.”_ _


	5. McAffair

“But why would Sooyoung lie about this whole thing?”, she asks after a short moment in which she tries to process what she just found out.

She’s not even angry Sooyoung didn’t tell her the truth, she just wants to know why.

Why would she just completely leave Jungeun and Jiwoo out of the picture like that?

At this point she’s pretty sure some nasty shit must’ve went down between those girls, because why else would she pretend the two hadn’t been part of a night that was apparently sooo special?

Jungeun just shrugs and stays quiet, folding and unfolding the napkin lying in front of her over and over again, and she’s avoiding eye contact.

There’s a long pause in which she seems to be trying to find a way to explain this to Jinsol.

“I...You know, her and I just got into this big fight, and things haven’t been the same since. Sure, we made up, but we kinda never managed to come back from it. Not really”, she finally says, and even though her expression is blank, in her eyes Jinsol can see vulnerability.

Jinsol nods, and she’s none the wiser now because she’d assumed something like that had happened, yet she’s still glad someone is finally telling her something other than “Oh, we just drifted apart.”

“You know, the only reason Jiwoo and her aren’t on the best terms anymore is because when Jiwoo was forced to pick sides, she picked me”, she explains further, frowning slightly.

“I feel bad she got dragged into my mess, and that Sooyoung and her aren’t as close as they used to be”, she says, voice full of regret. But then she chuckles, continuing: “They used to watch this terrible reality show together all the time, and they’d always annoy us by recreating all those dramatic fucking scenes.”

The blonde smiles, imagining the two girls reenacting catfights, and even though she’s never seen the two together she feels like it fits them perfectly.

“I still don’t think she should’ve just pretended you guys weren’t a part of that night. Seems like it was pretty special to me”, she states, and Jungeun smiles sadly.

“Yeah, it was. Stealing alcohol from a gas station really binds you together.”

They both laugh after that, and then the silver-haired girl says something unexpected.

”Hey, if you’re gonna be mad at Sooyoung, be mad because she lied to you, not because she didn’t tell you about Jiwoo and me, okay?”

That baffles her, because why is she not angry? She herself is usually pretty forgiving and calm, but she thinks that even she would be upset if she was in her position right now.

When the other girl sees her astonished expression she speaks up again: “Look, she doesn’t really like talking about it. I mean, neither do I, but she has like, a _really_ hard time with it. She probably just didn’t wanna mention it so she doesn’t have to explain why we’re not shoplifting with you guys”, she tells her, and it makes sense to Jinsol, but she still doesn’t understand how Jungeun doesn’t seem to be angry in the slightest.__

_ _She looks rather sad if anything, and there’s this air of regret and guilt surrounding her, and you can tell this whole thing is really hard for her to talk about._ _

_ _Jinsol feels bad for her, and so she squeezes her hand gently for a second, giving her a compassionate look._ _

_ _Jungeun smiles, then she speaks up again: “You know, we just really don’t do much together anymore. We’ll say hi when we see each other and we’ll talk a little, about college and stuff, but we barely go to each other’s dorms anymore, and we don’t really hang out that much with everyone else either.”_ _

_ _When Jinsol asks why they don’t see Heejin, Hyunjin, Chaewon and Hyejoo a lot, she goes quiet once more._ _

_ _After a while, she starts talking again: “Let’s just say I was kinda the bad guy. I...I hurt her. I mean, I really did. She hurt me, too, but I just…”, she pauses, looking down at the bar counter again._ _

_ _She looks so, so anguished, and Jinsol can only imagine how bad their falling out must’ve been, and she really wonders what it could’ve been about that made it so painful and complicated._ _

_ _”Hey, can we just go?”, she asks, now, looking at her pleadingly, and Jinsol’s heart hurts seeing her like this, so upset and full of regret, and she nods._ _

_ _They get up and when they pass by Kyungmi and wave her goodbye, she stops them, telling Jungeun that she had too many drinks for her to be able to let her sit on a motorcycle, and so the silver-haired girl ends up giving her the keys so she can drive back home with it, and Kyungmi says “she’ll get it back tomorrow as usual”, which makes Jinsol realize they’ve probably done this a lot._ _

_ _She calls a cab for them, and it arrives ten minutes later, and they hug her goodbye and then they walk out of the bar._ _

_ _They continue talking in the car, their voices barely above a whisper, both of them tired and a little dizzy from the alcohol. They talk about all sorts of things, but they never once mention Sooyoung’s lie._ _

* * *

_ _”Look who’s back!”, Sooyoung greets when she stumbles into the dorm at a little after 3am, tipsy, lost in her own thoughts and tired._ _

Jinsol just glances at her quickly as she grabs the water bottle that’s standing on her cupboard and takes big gulps.

When she’s done drinking she sighs deeply, feeling a little better already, and she’s standing with her back turned to Sooyoung, hoping to avoid any questions about where she’d been because even though she’s not angry at her for lying, she’s really not in the mood to talk to her right now.

But it’s Sooyoung, so of course she gets up off her bed and sits down on Jinsol’s instead, looking at her with a raised eyebrow and an amused smile.

”You went drinking, didn’t you?”, she asks teasingly, and Jinsol turns around to face her but doesn’t answer, instead opening one of the cupboard drawers to get her pyjamas.

”You too drunk to answer?”, her roommate tries again, now lying down on her stomach, swaying her legs back and forth in the air and propping herself up with her arms, her chin resting in her hands, like she’s in some movie, and her eyes are curious, inquisitive, hungry for an answer.

”I’m not drunk”, Jinsol says now, her eyes lidded and her voice heavy, and she feels like she could pass out on the spot.

”But you did drink”, Sooyoung states, mustering her perfectly manicured nails, her legs still swaying back and forth.

”I guess.”

”Who were you with?”

She sounds different now, less curious and more wary, and there’s some weird possessiveness in her voice that Jinsol isn’t sure she likes.

”Why do you care?”, the blonde responds, the tone in Sooyoung’s voice bothering her, and she remembers the lie and the alcohol is affecting her, too, and she really just wants to go to sleep already, and suddenly she’s just a little bit annoyed.

Sooyoung laughs. “Well, it’s not like you have to tell me anyway. You barely know anyone here besides me and the girls, and I know for a fact all of us were either busy or asleep while you were gone. So that leaves Jiwoo and Jungeun.”

Jinsol blinks at the conclusion, and really it wasn’t hard for her to figure that out, so why did she even ask in the first place?

”Yeah, I was with Jungeun”, she replies nonchalantly, walking across the room to go to the bathroom and get ready for bed, not interested in continuing the conversation.

”So, how was it?”, the other girl wants to know, and Jinsol turns around, and she’s still lying there and something about the way she looks so complacent makes her roll her eyes and sigh, finally deciding to say it.

”Great. I found out you lied to me.”

Then she just walks off into the bathroom, leaving Sooyoung alone on the bed, and she’d sounded more hurt than she actually is, because she does understand why she did it, but she’s just too tired to be sympathetic right now.

When she steps out, the dark-haired girl is sitting on her own bed again, and she silently watches her drink some more water and set an alarm for 8am with a pained expression and a sigh, and when Jinsol plops down on her bed, she’s still staring at her.

”So Jungeun told you everything.”

”Depends on what you mean by everything”, Jinsol replies, rubbing her eyes. “She told me her and Jiwoo were there that night, and that you probably lied to me so you don’t have to tell me about your fight. She didn’t tell me what it was about though.”

Sooyoung nods, and then she looks down at the floor absentmindedly, like she’s thinking about what to say next.

”I’m sorry”, is what she comes up with, still looking down, and Jinsol thinks it’s kind of half-hearted, but she doesn’t really want an apology anyway.

But then she looks up again, and there’s tears in her eyes, and Jinsol had not expected that at all.

”I just really don’t like talking about what happened, and I thought it would definitely come up somehow if I told you Jungeun and Jiwoo were there, too. Please don’t be mad”, she says, her voice breaking, and Jinsol immediately gets up at that and sits down next to her.

”It’s okay. I understand”, she tells her, taking her hand in hers, and Sooyoung gives her a weak smile before catching herself again and wiping at her eyes.

”Ew, I almost cried just now”, she says with disgust, and they both laugh, Jinsol feeling way less irritated now.

This girl really is something. First she’s being all weird about her going out, and then she almost cries over something that isn’t even that serious.

The blonde leans forward and wraps her in a hug, and the other girl snuggles into her, sighing. They stay like that for a little, just because it feels nice, and then Jinsol yawns and Sooyoung tells her to go to bed with a lopsided grin, and so she does.

That night, Jinsol dreams of Sooyoung and Jungeun and Jiwoo.

In her dream they’re all stabbing each other in the back with huge kitchen knives, and all the while she just stands in the corner and watches, but when she looks closer she realizes their knives all look like the knife she used once, so many nights ago.

* * *

Her first day at her new college is exactly how she’d expected it to be: Unusual but boring, and an extra pain in the ass because she’d gotten _way_ too little sleep the night before.__

She doesn’t see Sooyoung in the morning, her first class starting early, and so she’s left all alone to recall what she’d learned the day before: Sooyoung and Jungeun had a big fight.

She hadn’t thought about it at the time, but now she realizes she’s in an awkward position to say the least.

She’s friends with both of them, and even though they say things aren’t all that bad now, she can’t quite bring herself to believe it.

She remembers Jungeun saying Jiwoo had to pick between the two of them and wonders if she’ll end up having to do it, too, someday.

She kind of manages to make friends with the girl sitting next to her during her first lecture of the day, if you can call letting her borrow a pen and unwillingly getting involved in a conversation about the professor’s ugly flannel making friends.

”You know, I thought all the computer science majors would be boring nerds. But you’re pretty cool”, she says as she types her number and her name (Minji) into Jinsol’s phone so they can “continue talking shit outside of class”.

(All Jinsol had said during that whole conversation was “Yeah” and “I guess”.)

When she arrives back at the dorm, there is still no trace of Sooyoung anywhere, and even though she doesn’t really expect anything, she checks her messages to see if she’s texted her, which she unsurprisingly hasn’t.

Her thumbs hover over the keyboard, and she doesn’t really have a reason to message her other than that she’s wondering where she is, but she feels like asking her that would be unnecessary and she should just wait for her to come back and do something else in the meantime.

She swipes and exits their chat, scrolling through the others instead, rereading a bunch of messages just because she has nothing better to do really, and her stomach is starting to growl.

The girl quickly decides that she feels like getting something from McDonald’s, and when she grabs her wallet she knows what to text Sooyoung.

”hey, i’m going to mcdonalds, u wanna come? or do you still have classes?”, she types, hesitating for a second before sending the message, and it makes her feel like she’s back in high school and afraid of embarrassing herself by texting her crush something that comes off as dumb or uninteresting.

Jinsol waits five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes, opening her messages app every five seconds, and now she really thinks she’s back in high school.

The answer never comes and she’s growing really hungry now, so she reluctantly walks into the hallway to put on her jacket and shoes, hating the idea of eating without Sooyoung, or just eating alone in general.

But then she thinks that just because she’s not eating with Sooyoung that doesn’t mean she can’t eat with anyone else, and so she pulls up her contacts and looks at all the different names, trying to decide who she should ask to come with her.

She scrolls past Jiwoo’s name and remembers her offering to pay for her next McDonald’s meal when she’d visited her and Jungeun in their dorm the other day, and all because she’d agreed that the Big Mac is overrated.

She smiles, and she’s about to text her, but then she thinks why not just go straight to her dorm?

She might not know if she’s there for sure, but if she isn’t Jungeun probably is and that would be just as good (maybe even better).

And if no one’s there, fuck it, she’ll just go eat by herself.

So she puts on her jacket and shoes and leaves her dorm, thinking about the chicken nuggets she’s gonna be eating soon.

* * *

The door to their dorm is unlocked, and she takes this as a sign at least one person is inside, but not as an invitation to just barge in, so she knocks a few times.

A few moments pass and no one opens, so she tries once more, louder this time, but again no one answers the door.

Stepping back, she pulls out her phone and texts both Jungeun and Jiwoo to ask if they’re at their dorm, and soon after she gets a reply from Jungeun telling her she’s in the middle of class while Jiwoo doesn’t answer at all.

Jinsol stands in the hallway for a few minutes, waiting for an answer from Jiwoo that doesn’t come, and she’s getting impatient now, deciding that there’s no harm in entering the dorm, because maybe no one’s there or Jiwoo’s just sleeping or showering, and she’s just checking.

Slowly opening the door and stepping inside, she finds it’s completely quiet, and when she looks down there’s two pairs of shoes lying there, one she’s never seen before and she assumes is Jiwoo’s and another one that belongs to...Sooyoung?

She has to do a double take, but yes, those are Sooyoung’s black boots, and she’s wracking her brain trying to figure out what she’s doing here when apparently her and Jiwoo aren’t talking to each other.

Did she maybe come here to talk about some unresolved issues? Or does she want to start another fight?

There’s so much Jinsol doesn’t know about what’s going on between her roommate and Jungeun and Jiwoo, so she could be here for countless reasons she would never be able to just figure out like that.

She’s still standing in the hallway, and she looks straight ahead, looks at the empty couch in front of her, and it’s in that moment that she hears...sounds.

She slowly steps forward, towards the whimpering and heavy breathing, and she only realizes what’s going on when it’s too late and she’s already standing in the room.

There, on Jiwoo’s bed Sooyoung is lying on top of the other girl, and her shirt is lying on the floor along with Jiwoo’s shirt and pants, and they’re making out, and Jinsol is way too overwhelmed in that moment to do anything other than stand there and stare at them wide-eyed.

It takes them a few seconds to notice her, and when they do Sooyoung flinches and gets off of Jiwoo, while latter gasps and quickly scrambles to put her clothes on, her cheeks flushed and her hair messy.

”Hi, Jinsol”, Sooyoung says slightly out of breath and with a smug smile on her face, like she doesn’t care that her roommate just caught her in the middle of having sex with a girl that she apparently avoids and has a _boyfriend_.__

_ _Jinsol doesn’t reply, her mouth opening and closing as she tries to come up with something to say, but her mind has gone blank._ _

_ _”What-“, she starts, but then she shakes her head because she genuinely doesn’t know what she wants to ask, because there’s just _too many_ questions running through her brain right now.___ _

_ _ _”Jinsol, I-“, Jiwoo tries now, but she, too, is speechless, and she runs a hand through her hair, staring down at the floor really hard like she’s going to find the right words to say there._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung crosses her legs and scoffs, and she’s still sitting there in her bra and skinny jeans, and maybe if they weren’t in this situation right now, Jinsol would be freaking out at the sight._ _ _

_ _ _“Oh, please”, she says, rolling her eyes and giving Jinsol a bored look, “You guys are so dramatic. Yeah, I’m fucking Jiwoo, no big deal.”_ _ _

_ _ _The blonde gulps at her bluntness and Jiwoo abruptly turns her head, shooting the girl next to her a bewildered look, who just smirks in response._ _ _

_ _ _”Uh...alright. I-I gotta go. Sorry for...interrupting”, Jinsol finally manages to stutter, and she’s about to walk away when Sooyoung latches onto her arm._ _ _

_ _ _”Jinsol, wait.”_ _ _

_ _ _The blonde turns around, and she can’t bring herself to look in her eyes, because she’s embarrassed, because she’s in shock, because she didn’t need to see this._ _ _

_ _ _”Don’t tell anyone, alright? She has a boyfriend.”_ _ _

_ _ _Of course. Out of all things that’s what Sooyoung cares about. Not getting caught by someone that isn’t her, by someone actually relevant._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol looks over at Jiwoo, who doesn’t seem to be too big on eye contact right now either, still staring at the floor in shame._ _ _

_ _ _”I’m aware”, she replies sternly, trying hard not to let any emotion seep into her voice, trying to hide all the things she’s feeling right now._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung doing…this with Jiwoo stings, Sooyoung being so nonchalant about it all stings, Sooyoung not caring stings, and suddenly her touch stings, too, and she shakes her hand off and just walks out of the room without looking back once._ _ _

_ _ _She knows she can’t be in there for a second longer, the air’s too thick, and when she’s outside again, it’s like she can finally breathe._ _ _

_ _ _She walks away from that room, from Jiwoo and Sooyoung, from her confusion, her hurt, that weird sense of betrayal, and she doesn’t stop until she’s out of the building and in her car. Only then does she let herself sigh, let herself lean her head against the steering wheel and stay like that for a while._ _ _

_ _ _Those chicken nuggets are not gonna taste half as good now._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _She’s sitting alone at a table in the back of the restaurant, a tray with chicken nuggets, fries and a coke in front of her, and she can barely focus on the taste of the food with all the thoughts that are running through her head._ _ _

Sooyoung and Jiwoo.

Sooyoung and Jiwoo are hooking up. They’re not avoiding each other like everyone had said, _not in the slightest_.__

_ _And no one knows but her, and she’s not supposed to tell anybody because they’re pretending to ignore each other’s existence and Jiwoo has a fucking _boyfriend_.___ _

_ _ _This is all too much for her to be able to process, and she’s having trouble sorting out how she really feels about it._ _ _

_ _ _She’s shocked of course, not just because she’d assumed Jiwoo was straight, but also because how did that even happen? And when did they make up? Did they ever even have a falling out or was that a lie, too? Are there feelings involved?_ _ _

_ _ _She gulps and bites her bottom lip at the thought. She really has no idea how _that_ would make her feel.___ _ _

_ _ _Sure, Jiwoo is great and she’d be happy for them if they were dating, because they’re both her friends, but she’d be lying if she said a teeny tiny part of her wouldn’t want it to be her instead._ _ _

_ _ _Maybe it’s because she finds Sooyoung insanely attractive (because how could you not) and her wanting to do...things with her is kind of a given, and going out with her every now and then wouldn’t be too bad either._ _ _

_ _ _Or maybe there’s more to it._ _ _

_ _ _She doesn’t know because she’s only known her for a few days, and how could you tell anything so soon?_ _ _

_ _ _All she knows is that this whole thing is overwhelming, and she just wants to sit there and eat her food in peace without her brain driving her crazy._ _ _

_ _ _But it seems like that’s too much to ask for, because when she looks up as she’s sipping her coke, she sees both Jiwoo and Sooyoung walk through the door, and she furrows her brows, trying to figure out how they found her._ _ _

_ _ _Then she remembers the text she’d sent Sooyoung back at the dorm, before she’d seen all of that, and she quickly grabs her tray and moves to sit at an other table before they see her, too. She really isn’t in the mood to talk to the two of them right now._ _ _

_ _ _But it’s too late because they’ve already spotted her, and she sees the taller girl grab Jiwoo’s arm and speed up, so she starts walking faster, too._ _ _

_ _ _She can hear them shout her name, but she doesn’t stop, running up the stairs leading up to the first floor instead._ _ _

_ _ _There’s not too many free tables, and it’s not like she can hide there anyway, so when the restroom door catches her eye, she quickly runs inside and locks herself in one of the stalls._ _ _

_ _ _Now she thinks there’s no way they’re gonna bother her because it’s unlikely they’re going to try and talk to her from outside the stall. Or at least she hopes they won’t do that._ _ _

_ _ _She’s sitting on the toilet lid with her tray in her hands, and it’s gross but she doesn’t mind as long as she doesn’t have to face Sooyoung and Jiwoo, even though she won’t be able to continue eating her food now and it’s slowly getting cold._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol doesn’t get more than twenty second of peace before the door busts open and the girls stand in the restroom._ _ _

_ _ _”Jinsol, we know you’re in there”, Sooyoung says, breathing heavily, and she can see those damn black boots through the crack in between the door and the floor, and she really doesn’t want to step outside and face her right now, not after what she’d seen._ _ _

_ _ _”Jinsol, we’re sorry you saw that”, Jiwoo apologizes, her voice small and full of shame, and Jinsol thinks she’s glad at least one of them cares she saw them._ _ _

_ _ _”Can you please come out so we can talk?”, she asks now, and she watches her shuffle with her feet, and when Jiwoo asks her a part of her does want to talk, to hear what she has to say._ _ _

_ _ _But she doesn’t come out, instead she says:”I don’t wanna talk. Just leave.”_ _ _

_ _ _She hears Sooyoung sigh in exasperation as if she has any right to be annoyed with her right now, and she really wishes they’d both just go._ _ _

_ _ _”Please, Jinsol. We just wanna explain, okay?”, Jiwoo tries again, and the desperation in her voice makes Jinsol feel just the slightest bit bad._ _ _

_ _ _”Listen, I’m sorry for lying and telling you Jiwoo and I drifted apart when we didn’t. I just couldn’t tell you what...what’s actually going on”, Sooyoung tells her, and she sounds sincere, but the blonde is still annoyed because this sounds painfully familiar._ _ _

_ _ _Just yesterday she’d said the same thing about her and Jungeun, and is she just going to keep lying and hiding things from her and always saying it’s because ”she just couldn’t tell her the truth, please understand”?_ _ _

_ _ _She gets that a lot happened between those girls, a lot that she probably wouldn’t even understand, but the least Sooyoung can do is tell her she doesn’t want to talk about it instead of making stuff up._ _ _

_ _ _And still, a part of her understands why she does that, because this whole thing is so, so complicated, and who knows, maybe she’d do the same if she was in her position._ _ _

_ _ _And she kind of is._ _ _

_ _ _ She’s hiding something, too, and of course it’s not the same because what she’s hiding is _so_ much worse and she _has_ to hide it, but what if Sooyoung feels like she absolutely needs to keep everything that happened from her, too?_____ _ _

_ _ _The girl sighs and gets up, deciding to give in, and she unlocks the door and walks past her friends, who follow her to a table, and when they all sit down silence spreads._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol picks at her fries, splitting one in half and putting the two halves next to each other._ _ _

_ _ _She doesn’t feel like eating them anymore, and not just because she was sitting in a restroom with them._ _ _

_ _ _When she looks up again, she meets Sooyoung’s eyes, and there’s a certain nervousness inside of them, like she’s scared of what Jinsol will say._ _ _

_ _ _”You said you wanted to explain. So explain”, is what comes out when she finally does say something, and while Jiwoo lets out a deep breath she’d been holding in, Sooyoung seems even more tense now._ _ _

_ _ _”You see, this...thing started a while ago”, the red-haired girl says, eager to explain, to sort things out._ _ _

_ _ _“We were kinda awkward because of that fight, you know, but we got drunk and hooked up at a party, like...a month ago I think.”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung nods slowly, and Jinsol isn’t surprised this has been going on for a while, but it does bring up other questions._ _ _

_ _ _”So is she the ‘friend’ you went to see yesterday? Was that picture you sent me for her?”, she asks, turning to Sooyoung, who nervously shifts under her gaze._ _ _

_ _ _”Yes and no.”_ _ _

_ _ _So she was with Jiwoo yesterday, but she has something going on with several people probably, and she remembers Heejin’s words._ _ _

_ _ _ _Just wait until she starts bringing random girls to your dorm every day.___ _ _ _

_ _ _”Listen, Jinsol. I just couldn’t tell you or anyone about this because...It’s just-“, Sooyoung blurts out, clearly trying to come up with something to say, and you can tell she’s struggling._ _ _

_ _ _Jiwoo looks at her from the side, her eyes understanding, compassionate, and then she takes Sooyoung’s hand in hers, like they’re a couple or something, and Jinsol’s heart sinks a little._ _ _

_ _ _But Sooyoung flinches and pulls her hand away, frowning, causing Jiwoo to shift awkwardly and look down at the food instead._ _ _

_ _ _”This is just complicated, okay? So much has happened between Jungeun and Jiwoo and me, and if this came out it would just make everything even more complicated”, Sooyoung explains now, voice stern and gaze hard, and it’s kind of intimidating because you can tell she’s had enough._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol nods, and her anger is gone now, replaced by something like acceptance of sorts._ _ _

_ _ _Alright, it’s complicated, and clearly no one wants to talk to her about it, and that’s okay because it’s really none of her business._ _ _

_ _ _And she’s not one to be nosy anyway, she would’ve never probed no matter how many questions she had, but this whole situation kind of required her to ask._ _ _

_ _ _At the end of the day, all she really wants is not to be lied to all the time._ _ _

_ _ _(And maybe for Sooyoung to start opening up to her, and she hopes it’ll happen later on, somewhere along the line.)_ _ _

_ _ _”I won’t tell anybody about it, don’t worry”, Jinsol assures and Jiwoo gives her a relieved smile while Sooyoung just nods._ _ _

_ _ _Then, silence spreads, and after a few moments Jiwoo slowly reaches forward to steal some fries, which makes both her and Jinsol laugh, and some of the tension in the air disappears._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol ends up pushing the tray towards her, telling her that she isn’t hungry anymore and she can have the rest, and so Jiwoo and her fall into easy conversation, just like nothing had happened._ _ _

_ _ _The only one who doesn’t say anything is Sooyoung, who just sits there and stares at the table, still frowning slightly, and Jinsol wishes she could read her thoughts, know what’s on that mysterious mind of hers for once._ _ _

_ _ _After a few minutes she promptly gets up, grabbing Jiwoo’s arm and pulling her up, too._ _ _

_ _ _”We’re leaving”, she says, and it’s more of a command than a statement, and Jinsol can see something like defeat spread across Jiwoo’s features, like a child whose mother is calling it for dinner so it has to stop watching TV now._ _ _

_ _ _She turns to Jinsol and shrugs, and the blonde frowns, not understanding why Jiwoo isn’t saying anything, why she’s just doing whatever Sooyoung says without protest._ _ _

_ _ _”See you later”, said girl says, her voice emotionless, and Jinsol raises her hand and gives her a small smile that she doesn’t reciprocate._ _ _

_ _ _She wonders if she’s acting like this because she’s still upset Jinsol found out, or if there’s something more to it, something she, yet again, doesn’t know of._ _ _

_ _ _The two girls leave, Jiwoo waving quickly, and she watches them walk away, keeping a safe distance like they can’t stand to be too close to each other after everything that just happened._ _ _

_ _ _And then she watches Jiwoo grab Sooyoung’s hand again when they’re on the other side of the room and they’ve almost arrived at the stairs, but this time the other girl doesn’t pull away._ _ _

_ _ _She guides her hand to her waist and then wraps her into a long hug, and Jinsol swears she can see her finally relax._ _ _


	6. Cycle

The week passes, and Jinsol spends it attending her classes, studying, reading and texting Minji, who’s surprisingly fun to talk to when she isn’t complaining about their professor, the other students or classes, and they hang out at her dorm once, the girl practically forcing her to watch some new Netflix teen show that looks lame but ends up actually being entertaining.

Minji is superficial, fussy, impatient and talks a little too much about too much, but Jinsol can see that beneath all that she’s pretty nice and genuinely just wants to be her friend, and she’s more than okay with that.

Besides, she likes how even though she tends to struggle with keeping conversations alive sometimes, Minji’s talkativeness makes up for it. It makes it easy to talk to her, and so she doesn’t mind that half of the time their conversations only revolve around the ugly clothes some random girl in their class is wearing or how unnecessary the stuff they learn apparently is.

She barely sees Sooyoung other than when she’s getting ready for classes in the morning or when she finally comes back, and she never stays in the dorm for more than half an hour at a time before going off to God knows where, and to Jinsol it’s clear she’s avoiding her.

She knows the girl definitely wouldn’t put it that way if she asked her because it’s not like she’s stopped talking to her, it’s just less and oddly professional, their conversations sounding more like discussions between work colleagues than friends.

But it’s obvious she’s trying to spend only as much time as necessary with her and overall the atmosphere is just very different from what it used to be like, and while a part of her assumes Sooyoung just needs some space after that whole Jiwoo fiasco, maybe finding things awkward or weird now that Jinsol knows, there’s an other part of her that doesn’t get why.

It’s like she’s indirectly blaming her for something, which doesn’t make sense because all she’d done was accidentally walk in on them, and no one’s at fault for anything anyway, but this is Sooyoung, and by now she’s realized that with her things don’t really always have to make sense.

She doesn’t talk to Jiwoo much either, only via text, and mostly it’s just the other girl compulsively trying to somehow make up for pulling her into her and Sooyoung’s mess by offering to buy her food about ten times, and Jinsol just dismisses those desperate attempts with short replies.

Truthfully, she’s already gotten over the whole thing.

Sure, it’s still weird to think about and she feels bad for Jungeun, and even though she doesn’t know him she feels bad for Jiwoo's boyfriend, too, but it’s not like she’s personally affected by it.

So what if Sooyoung has a thing with Jiwoo? It’s the same as with any of the other girls she hooks up with, the only difference being that she actually knows Jiwoo.

She doesn’t think about it much and of course, she’s going to keep quiet not just because the two are her friends and she doesn’t want to cause them any trouble, but also because whatever is going on between them is their business and theirs only.

(Even though she does think it would be the best for everyone if they stopped hooking up.)

She sits with Sooyoung, Chaewon, Hyejoo, Heejin and Hyunjin in the cafeteria, and for the most part everything’s the way it was before college started, except sometimes when Jinsol talks Sooyoung gives her weird looks she thinks she can’t see, but she does, and she dismisses them as part of her new, different behavior towards her, even though they feel like something else, like she’s thinking about something, but she knows trying to figure out what it is would be futile.

Jungeun and Jiwoo sit at a table at the back of the room together with other students who she doesn’t know, and sometimes when she looks over she catches Jiwoo’s eyes, and they exchange awkward smiles.

And then sometimes, her and Jungeun stare at each other, and the way she smiles so softly at her makes her heart hurt because there’s things that she should probably know but she can’t tell her, and her smile gets just a little sad at the thought.

But she tells herself over and over again that she’d promised she wouldn’t tell anyone, and Jungeun knowing would only cause more drama, and if there’s one thing she knows for sure about her, Jiwoo and Sooyoung, it’s that they’ve got more than enough of that already.

They actually text a lot that week, practically daily, and almost every night she finds herself up late talking to her about literally everything and anything.

She realizes that Jungeun has many different sides to her, sides she never would’ve thought she’d have, and she’s been intrigued by her since the beginning, but now she never wants to stop learning things about her.

Things like the fact that she started playing the guitar when she was eight, that she likes poems and even writes them sometimes, that she almost got a huge tattoo of a chihuahua when she was wasted out of her fucking mind once, and that she’s always loved cooking and her favorite dish is just simple chocolate chip pancakes.

She finds that this girl who wears leather and rides a motorcycle and has silver hair is way less tough than she appears, and somehow that makes her all the more endearing to her.

Jungeun comes over once, when Sooyoung is meeting with some “friend”, and they don’t really do anything other than talk, but it’s all Jinsol really wants to do, and it’s more than enough, because somehow talking to her is so great and interesting that she never wants to stop.

She makes her promise to play the guitar for her someday, too, and Jungeun blushes and looks down in a way that Jinsol thinks has to be the most adorable thing she’s ever seen, and she just gives her a playful “Maybe” and a giggle that’s like music to her ears.

It’s interesting how the whole Sooyoung and Jiwoo situation has somehow caused her to become closer to Jungeun, and it’s not because Sooyoung is avoiding her and Jiwoo is making things unnecessarily awkward, even though that does give her more alone time with the silver-haired girl, but it’s what Jinsol had wanted to happen all along.

All in all, her first week at her new college is great, way better than she’d expected, and she knows that this is exactly what she’d needed.

She knows it because she doesn’t have a single nightmare that week, because she doesn’t think about what happened as much, because she’s less anxious now, and it’s like a weight has been lifted off of her shoulders, and she thinks if this is what her first week is like already, she really can’t wait to see what the rest of the year has in store for her.

* * *

Friday evening her and Sooyoung are alone together for more than half an hour for the first time all week, and even though the dark-haired girl spends most of the time getting ready to go out with friends, she’s not in a rush to leave like she usually is, so Jinsol sees it as progress.

”Do you have any mascara? Mine’s empty”, she says casually while eyeing herself in the bathroom mirror, and Jinsol gets hers, walks into the bathroom and gives it to her wordlessly.

For a short moment their fingers touch and when Jinsol’s eyes meet hers, there’s that brooding look again, and all of a sudden there’s some weird tension between them and they both hold onto the mascara bottle for just a second too long.

Then Sooyoung mumbles a hushed “Thank you” and turns back to the mirror, and Jinsol walks back to her bed again to continue reading a paper for class.

Half an hour passes and Sooyoung works on her makeup while Jinsol reads, and they barely talk, both too focused on their own tasks, so when Sooyoung stands in front of her asking if she looks good, she’s surprised for a second because she hadn’t even noticed how much time has passed.

She looks up at her, at her tight black skirt and her black bralette top, and she looks good, so good, and she wants to tell her, but she thinks it would just make things awkward because for whatever reason Sooyoung thinks she has to act _this way_ around her.__

_ _She thinks it’s funny she called her and Jiwoo dramatic when Jinsol walked in on them that day that seems like it was so long ago now, when she’s the one still acting up._ _

_ _Fuck it, she’s tired of this. She wants things to change, and she wants it now._ _

_ _”You look _so_ good, Sooyoung”, she says, her voice heavy and just the right amount of salacious, and it’s different from how they talk to each other now different from that professional tone they use. It’s out of the ordinary and she knows Sooyoung notices.___ _

_ _ _Her mouth falls open slightly and she shifts uncomfortably before closing it again and biting her lip._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol just smiles, satisfied she decided to say that and that her simple statement affects her this much._ _ _

_ _ _”Well, thank you”, she replies, furrowing her brows and giving her that damn look again, and Jinsol rolls her eyes._ _ _

_ _ _That look is really getting her started now, and she gets up and stands in front of the other girl, looking right into her eyes when she says: “You know, Sooyoung, you don’t have to act like you didn’t wanna hear this. I know you did because otherwise you wouldn’t have asked.”_ _ _

_ _ _Her mouth falls open again, and she wants to say something, but she doesn’t, instead she just rolls her eyes and turns around to grab her handbag from her bed, but Jinsol stops her. She’s not going to let her go without talking to her about this._ _ _

_ _ _”Sooyoung, why are you like this now?”_ _ _

_ _ _”Like what?”, she scoffs, giving her a defiant look, and Jinsol knows this girl is braced for whatever this is going to be, and so she raises her chin and puts a knowing smirk on, hoping she looks confident enough._ _ _

_ _ _”You know what I mean.”_ _ _

_ _ _For a second, Sooyoung tilts her head to the side and furrows her eyebrows, pretending to think about it real hard, and then she shrugs._ _ _

_ _ _”No idea.”_ _ _

_ _ _There’s this smug smile on her face that tells Jinsol she knows exactly what she means, and Sooyoung being Sooyoung she’s just trying to rile her up._ _ _

_ _ _But she isn’t going to let her._ _ _

_ _ _”Really?”, she asks calmly, slowly stepping closer so they’re only a few inches apart now, and Sooyoung’s eyes immediately wander down to her lips, which does something to her, but she forces herself to ignore it for the sake of staying calm and collected._ _ _

_ _ _The other girl looks back up at her eyes with an unreadable expression. “Really.”_ _ _

_ _ _After that there's a long silence in which they just stare at each other, waiting for one of them to crumble, and Jinsol is ready for everything except for what Sooyoung actually does._ _ _

_ _ _Out of nowhere, she grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her backwards onto her bed, and Jinsol lets out a surprised “Woah”, and now she’s lying on her back with Sooyoung staring down at her._ _ _

_ _ _The blonde stares at her questioningly, and the ominous sparkle in Sooyoung’s eyes makes her a little scared of what’s next._ _ _

_ _ _Painfully slowly, she crawls onto her bed, her body right above Jinsol’s, who finds it increasingly hard to breathe with the girl right there._ _ _

_ _ _She positions herself so her legs are on both sides of her waist, which means she’s literally sitting on top of her now, and Jinsol thinks she’s going to pass out._ _ _

_ _ _There’s a triumphant smirk on Sooyoung’s face as she pins down the other girl’s arms and looks down at her red cheeks and her nervous eyes._ _ _

_ _ _”Tell me, Jinsol, what am I like?”_ _ _

_ _ _She gulps, and it’s like her brain has turned into pulp and everything she had planned on saying is gone, vanished into thin air. Poof._ _ _

_ _ _”No?”, Sooyoung asks, somehow managing to press her body even closer to hers, her voice teasing and a fire in her eyes she’s never seen before._ _ _

_ _ _”Sooyoung”, Jinsol breathes, trying to keep herself from falling apart under the girl, her touch burning in a way that’s not even remotely similar to anything she’s ever experienced, and it feels so, so _good_.___ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung leans in closer and Jinsol’s eyes flutter shut, and she feels her soft breath next to her ear when she whispers: “If you don’t have anything to say, I’ll be leaving.”_ _ _

_ _ _And with that she gets up, grabbing her bag and walking out of the door, leaving Jinsol alone on the bed, a complete mess without any idea of what just happened._ _ _

_ _ _All she knows is that she’s frustrated, and not just because she didn’t get to confront Sooyoung about her weird behavior._ _ _

_ _ _For a short moment she wishes she hadn’t deleted that picture she’d accidentally sent her, but she immediately dismisses the thought, disgusted at herself for even remembering it._ _ _

_ _ _She lets out a deep breath, she can’t believe she had Sooyoung pinning her down on her bed just now, and moreover she can’t believe she _survived_ it.___ _ _

_ _ _Her phone, which is lying on the cupboard chimes with a message, and at first she thinks it’s her roommate, so she promptly reaches for it._ _ _

_ _ _But it’s not Sooyoung who’s texting her, it’s Jiwoo._ _ _

_ _ _”can u come over please? we should talk”, her message reads, and Jinsol immediately sits up, jumping at the chance to confront her, too, and this time successfully._ _ _

_ _ _”be right there”, she responds, and she freshens up a little before walking out, and when she’s at the door she stops for a second, looking back at her bed. She’s definitely not getting what happened out of her mind anymore._ _ _

_ _ _Damn you, Sooyoung._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _”I think Sooyoung and I need to stop.”_ _ _

That’s the first thing Jiwoo blurts out when Jinsol steps into the dorm and sits down on the couch, looking up at her curiously.

Though she doesn’t say what it is they need to stop, she knows exactly what she means, and she’s not surprised the girl called her over to tell her that, because all that spamming via text had practically built up to it.

She can tell how badly she must’ve wanted to say that out loud by the way her whole body seems to relax now, a wave of relief visibly washing over her.

Jinsol nods. “Yeah, it’s probably for the best”, she says nonchalantly as Jiwoo plops down next to her. 

”That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”, she asks, furrowing her eyebrows, clearly taken aback by Jinsol’s disinterested demeanor, and the blonde realizes that she must’ve sounded like she doesn’t care at all, which is not true of course.

She does genuinely think they should stop whatever is going on between them, both for the sake of Jiwoo’s boyfriend and Jungeun, but especially Jungeun, because she actually knows her, knows how bad she feels because she thinks she drove the two apart, how devastated she would be if she found out they’d both been lying to her and that her best friend is basically sleeping with the enemy.

Still, the only reason why she’s even getting involved in this is because she’d accidentally walked in on them, so at the end of the day this is not really any of her business.

The other girl continues staring at her with wide eyes, and Jinsol sighs.

”Listen, of course it’s for the best. Whatever you two have going on is too messy, and you know that. But still, just because I’m the only one who knows doesn’t mean it’s any of my business what you do, you know? _You_ need to decide how you wanna deal with this”, she explains, Jiwoo nodding slowly and looking down at her lap.__

_ _”No, I know”, she mutters, pulling an imaginary lint off of her blue skinny jeans. “But I really need someone to tell me it’s the right thing to do.”_ _

_ _She’s still avoiding eye contact, and it’s weird seeing her like this, so untypically quiet and brooding, so she touches her arm to make her look at her, and when their eyes meet she sees something in Jiwoo’s that tells her there’s more to this._ _

_ _”It’s the right thing to do. Think about your boyfriend. Think about Jungeun”, she says softly, tightening her grip on her arm to lend weight to what she’d just said, to convince her, to help her._ _

_ _”I’ve always thought about them. I just-“, she starts, lowering her gaze again, and her expression is pained when she continues, “I just couldn’t stop. There’s something about Sooyoung that’s so-“_ _

_ _”I know.”_ _

_ _Jiwoo looks back up at that, surprise written all over her face._ _

_ _”Wait, did you guys-?”_ _

_ _She’s awkwardly gesturing with her hands, and then Jinsol realizes how that had sounded, so she panickedly shakes her head._ _

_ _”No! No, we didn’t- No! I’m just saying, she’s- you know”, she stutters, and Jiwoo quickly nods before giggling nervously._ _

_ _”Yeah, she’s- uh, she’s...pretty special.”_ _

_ _”Yeah.”_ _

_ _They both sit there in silence for a few moments, and Jinsol clears her throat, feeling herself blush at the thought of Sooyoung and her…_ _

_ _”Do you think I’m a bad person?”, Jiwoo asks now, frowning sadly, and the question takes Jinsol aback because she’d never thought about it before._ _

_ _Because this is Jiwoo, loud, friendly, cheery Jiwoo, and to her the girl doesn’t have a single bad bone in her body._ _

_ _But she’s a cheater. She’s a liar._ _

_ _ _And Jinsol is a murderer.___ _ _

_ _ _It’s a terrible thought, and it causes a moment of self-hate, bitterness, and all she can think about is that she’s the last person anyone should ask that._ _ _

_ _ _”Jinsol?”_ _ _

_ _ _She’d gotten distracted by her own thoughts, and Jiwoo is looking at her nervously, still waiting for an answer, and she looks back at those big brown innocent eyes, those eyes that just can’t possibly belong to a bad person._ _ _

_ _ _”I don’t”, she answers truthfully, and ever so slowly, a tiny smile creeps onto Jiwoo’s face, and she breathes out and nods like Jinsol’s opinion is some sort of ultimate confirmation._ _ _

_ _ _Then her face falls again when she says: “But I did something really bad.”_ _ _

_ _ _There’s obviously no denying that, and Jinsol still wonders why she even chose to develop this relationship (if you can even call it that) with Sooyoung any further after that first drunk hookup._ _ _

_ _ _Surely someone like Jiwoo, someone who’s a good person and has a conscience wouldn’t betray two people as important to them as Jaeyong and Jungeun like this over some good sex, right?_ _ _

_ _ _”Why did you do it?”, she asks, and she has a feeling she’s about to find out whatever else might be going on between Sooyoung and Jiwoo, because the look the latter is giving her in this very moment tells her she’s an open book right now._ _ _

_ _ _”I-I don’t know.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol narrows her eyes, trying to figure out if she’s being honest, and when she sees the shame and confusion in her eyes, so crystal clear, she believes her that she doesn’t know, but she also realizes that there is a deeper reason, that there must be one, even if Jiwoo doesn’t know what it is._ _ _

_ _ _A thought crosses her mind, and it’s only for a second, but it’s the same thought she’d had that day she’d found them in bed together._ _ _

_ _ _It’s something she’d pushed away immediately because somehow a part of her just wasn’t all that pleased with it, but she knows she has to ask now, when Jiwoo is ready to answer anything and everything because she just has to know._ _ _

_ _ _”Do you maybe...have feelings for her?”_ _ _

_ _ _Jiwoo blinks a few times, and she doesn’t say anything for a while, Jinsol slowly starting to worry she might’ve gone too far, but then she clears her throat._ _ _

_ _ _”That’s a good question.”_ _ _

_ _ _And again she doesn’t know. This whole thing is getting really confusing to Jinsol, and she doesn’t even want to imagine how Jiwoo must feel._ _ _

_ _ _Suddenly the redhead shakes her head like she just snapped out of some sort of trance and gets up and walks over to her cupboard to pull out two bottles of water._ _ _

_ _ _She hands one of them to Jinsol while opening the second one and drinking it like she’s in the middle of a desert instead of her dorm._ _ _

_ _ _Then she sighs. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I know what I feel for Jaeyong, and I’m not gonna let this ruin things between us”, she says sternly, sitting back down. “I’m telling Sooyoung it’s over tomorrow, and I don’t care if she doesn’t want to talk, this time I’m not letting her avoid me.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol raises her eyebrows. Sooyoung has been avoiding Jiwoo, too? This girl really must’ve wanted to ignore all of this and just pretend it never happened, and even though her behavior is irritating to say the least, she knows that feeling all too well._ _ _

_ _ _”She was avoiding me all week long, too. I tried to talk to her about it, but it didn’t really go the way I wanted it to”, she explains, fiddling with her fingers as she recalls what had happened._ _ _

_ _ _”Sooyoung is such a pain in the ass sometimes”, Jiwoo says, shaking her head, and Jinsol can’t help but agree. Sooyoung can be a lot at times._ _ _

_ _ _Yeah, she’s pretty great, but at the same time she acts so strangely cryptical. She doesn’t understand why she does or says the things she does, and there’s no use in trying to figure it out because she’s Sooyoung. She’s an enigma._ _ _

_ _ _”Hey, I know I’ve asked this about a thousand times before, but we’re good, right?”, Jiwoo asks suddenly, and for the first time since she’s known her, she looks _shy_.___ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol scoffs, because how could they not be? She may have caused the second half of her first day of college to be a drama-filled mess, but it’s not like she’d meant to. It’s not like she’d hurt her in any way, because she’s really not as involved in this as both Jiwoo and Sooyoung seem to think she is, and she’s slowly getting tired of saying it._ _ _

_ _ _”Of course we are. We’re still friends like we were before, because this has nothing to do with me, alright? It’s between you and Sooyoung.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jiwoo laughs with relief before she says: “I just thought you’d still be weirded out, or that you would see me as scum. I know I would.”_ _ _

_ _ _And just like that, she seems guilty again, and this whole thing is really affecting her a lot more than Jinsol had initially thought._ _ _

_ _ _She looks at her, her head low and a frown on her face, and she feels bad. She doesn’t want Jiwoo to beat herself up like this, even though what she did was kind of terrible._ _ _

_ _ _”Jiwoo, you’re not scum”, she says, putting a hand on her back, “You’re a good person. Just because you did something bad doesn’t mean you’re evil now.”_ _ _

_ _ _She pauses because those are the exact same words she’d repeated to herself over and over again when she was lying in bed at night, unable to sleep because of the memories, the nightmares._ _ _

_ _ _She sincerely hopes Jiwoo believes them, because she knows she never had._ _ _

_ _ _Suddenly the shorter girl leans forward and wraps her in a tight hug, and when Jinsol carefully hugs her back she sighs._ _ _

_ _ _”I really missed you, Solie.”_ _ _

_ _ _She can’t help but smile at the nickname, and she hugs her a little tighter, and even though it’s only been a few days she realizes she feels the same._ _ _

_ _ _”I missed you, too, Jiwoo.”_ _ _

* * *

_ _ _Two hours later they’re about to start their second movie of the night, deciding after their talk to have a movie marathon and catch up, when Jiwoo gets an alarming message._ _ _

It’s from someone called Sunhee, and it says: ”You need to come to the hospital. Jungeun’s got alcohol poisoning.”

Alcohol poisoning? Jinsol feels the panic set in, and there’s a thousand thoughts shooting through her head, worry after worry, and she’s up immediately, ready to run to that hospital if she has to, even though she has no fucking idea where it is.

Jiwoo jumps up, too, shutting her laptop closed and grabbing her car keys and a jacket that’s lying on the floor before quickly slipping into a pair of sneakers.

”God, I didn’t even know she was out”, Jiwoo mutters as they walk down the hallway, taking steps so huge and fast they’re almost running.

”She didn’t tell you?”

”I haven’t seen her at all today, and we barely texted each other”, the girl explains while they skip down the stairs as quickly as possible without throwing themselves down them.

Jinsol is baffled. Has Jungeun just been gone all day long? They did text a little today, but they didn’t talk about things like their whereabouts, so she could’ve been anywhere really.

”You didn’t even see her before her classes started?”

”No, she was gone by the time I got up. I don’t think she went at all”, Jiwoo says, making the blonde raise her eyebrows in surprise.

”Why would she skip her classes? You think something happened?”

”Not necessarily”, she states as they walk into the big entrance hall, “She skips classes a lot. You know, she doesn’t actually like being a business major.”

They’re on the parking lot now, and Jinsol grows more and more shocked as she listens to Jiwoo explain that she’s only really studying business because her dad is a businessman, and though she would never admit it, she’s trying desperately to impress him so he’ll finally pay attention to her.

”You know, sometimes she says she’s going to quit and leave. She says she’s going to move super far away and forget about college and her dad, but she never does”, she tells her while they’re driving, and she’s way over the speed limit, and usually Jinsol would tell her to slow down, but now she doesn’t care, now all she wants is to get to Jungeun, to make sure she’s alright.

”In a way she’s stuck, you know? She can’t go somewhere else, but she also hates where she is right now, and then she goes off and does something stupid and dangerous because she can’t take it anymore only to end up right back where she was before. It’s a cycle”, she explains, her foot practically glued to the gas pedal and her worried eyes focused on the dark road in front of her.

Jinsol’s heart aches for Jungeun. She hadn’t known any of this, could’ve never even imagined she was dealing with all of this, and to find it out while on her way to see her in the hospital is just terrible, and she wishes more than anything else she could help her get out of that cycle.

They arrive at the hospital about fifteen minutes later, and as soon as Jiwoo’s parked the car they both jump out of the vehicle and run across the parking lot towards the entrance.

Inside, a nurse tells them her room number, 152, and they sprint the whole way, not stopping once, both of them just wanting to see their friend.

When they arrive they’re struggling to breathe and their faces are red, but they don’t care, and Jiwoo pushes the door open to find a guy and a girl standing in front of a bed, covering Jungeun so that Jinsol can only see that shiny silver hair of hers.

”Finally, for fuck’s sake”, the girl says instead of a greeting, and she doesn’t even pay attention to Jinsol, instead explaining what happened to Jiwoo in great detail.

Jungeun had called her and the guy, Dohyun, up to ask them to go out for drinks, and after bar hopping for a few hours they’d run into one of Dohyun’s friends who’d been on the way to a party, and he’d offered to take them with him.

They’d all been varying levels of drunk at that point and yet they’d still accepted the offer and gone to that party, where they’d ended up losing sight of each other and the two had only found Jungeun again when someone had screamed that there was a girl lying on the floor in her own vomit and they’d rushed to see who it was.

She’d barely been breathing and was unresponsive, so someone had called an ambulance, and the two had tried their best to sober up as much as possible so they could come with her, and then when they’d arrived, Sunhee had remembered to inform Jiwoo.

When she’s done telling the story of how Jungeun had ended up here, she finally turns to Jinsol and regards her with a curious look, then turning back to Jiwoo with a raised eyebrow, a silent question.

”This is Jinsol. She’s mine and Jungeun’s friend”, Jiwoo says to her and Dohyun, and Jinsol forces herself to smile even though she’s really not in the mood for it.

The two announce they’re going to get some coffee for all of them, leaving Jiwoo and Jinsol alone with the silver-haired girl in the hospital bed, and when she can finally look at her properly she wants to cry.

She looks so, so weak and her face is as pale as a ghost’s, and when Jiwoo strokes her cheek softly she’s scared to do the same because she might break if she touches her, that’s how fragile she looks.

She holds her hand instead, stroking the back of it with her thumb slowly, and they just stand there in silence for a while, watching Jungeun breathe in and out slowly, neither of them having the heart to say anything.

”Oh, Jungie”, Jiwoo finally whispers then, and Jinsol watches as a single tear rolls down her cheek, feeling her own eyes sting, and she thinks if Sunhee and Dohyun don’t come back soon she’ll start full on sobbing.

But they do, and they all go outside to drink their coffees in silence, and when Jinsol checks the time on her phone she sees that it’s almost 1am, and she knows they’ll have to leave soon but she wishes they didn’t.

She wishes she could stay with Jungeun, watch over her, and even thoughs she knows she’ll be fine she’s so worried for the girl that she doesn’t think she’ll be getting any sleep tonight.

She can’t believe the things she found out about her tonight, can’t believe she’s secretly hurting like this, and she really wishes she’d known, wishes she could’ve done something to help her.

They stay for another twenty minutes, and then Sunhee says she really needs to get some sleep, and Dohyun agrees, so the two say their goodbyes and leave.

”I think we should go now, too”, Jiwoo says, getting up off her chair, and now she’s standing in front of Jinsol and looking down at her, waiting for her to get up as well.

But Jinsol doesn’t move, instead she stays right where she is, staring down at her lap, and even though she knows she should and that there’s no point in staying, she really doesn’t want to leave.

”Jinsol?”, Jiwoo asks softly, tilting her head to the side. “Come on, Solie, we gotta go.”

Jinsol looks up at her, at her worried expression, her tired eyes, and then she cries.

At first it’s just a few tears, but then they start streaming down her face, and Jiwoo immediately lunges forward and holds her, lets her sob into her shoulder, and they stay like that for a while.

She can’t stop picturing Jungeun lying in that bed looking like she’s on the verge of death, and she just desperately wants to get it out of her head, but she can’t, it’s like it’s burnt into her retinas.

And eventually, Jiwoo cries, too, and they’re both complete messes crying outside of Jungeun’s room, and Jinsol thinks if she could see them now she’d probably roll her eyes and tell them to “calm the fuck down”.

When they’ve both stopped crying, they finally get up and walk out of the hospital, hand in hand like little children, and that night Jiwoo lends her a pair of her baby pink PJ’s with yellow flowers on them, and they lie in her bed and watch children’s movies until they both fall asleep.

* * *

In the middle of the night Jinsol wakes up in a cold sweat, her brain foggy, blurry memories of a nightmare at the back of her mind, and she feels shaken up and afraid like she always soon after a nightmare, but it only lasts for a second before an arm finds its way around her waist and a head nestles into her shoulder and she feels Jiwoo’s warm body right next to hers.

Her breathing is slow and steady and her pyjama is soft, and when the girl snuggles even closer, all of a sudden Jinsol is not so afraid anymore.

She wraps her arms around her and closes her eyes, and for the rest of the night she doesn’t have a single nightmare.


	7. Inspection

There’s two kinds of eaters: There’s everyone else and then there’s Jiwoo.

When they pick up Jungeun from the hospital the next morning and she suggests to go have breakfast together, she takes them to a small diner in the city and orders practically everything that’s on the menu.

There’s scrambled eggs, sunny side up eggs, eggs Benedict and boiled eggs. There’s sausages, there’s sandwiches, there’s bagels and there’s croissants. There’s muffins, there’s French toast and there’s pancakes. There’s tea, coffee, cocoa and orange juice.

Jinsol watches in amusement as she lists dish after dish and the poor waiter frantically tries to keep up with her while writing everything down.

When he leaves, Jiwoo and Jinsol break out into laughter, and even Jungeun, who’s barely said anything since they picked her up from the hospital can’t keep a small smile from creeping onto her face, and Jinsol’s heart grows three sizes at that.

When they’d stepped into her hospital room at 9am she’d wordlessly taken the clothes they’d brought her and put them on in the bathroom, her face blank and her eyes tired, and afterwards she’d just walked past them and out of the room.

Jiwoo had tried to get her to talk when they were in the car, had wanted to know what the hell she was thinking, ranting on and on about how dangerous that had been and that she could’ve died, and all the while Jungeun had just stared out of the window and watched the other cars drive by.

Then she’d tried a different approach, speaking to her nicely like you would with a six-year-old, asking where she wanted to eat and if she wanted to have a movie marathon later, but Jungeun had remained silent, and Jinsol had realized that all of Jiwoo’s attempts at making any kind of conversation with the girl were going to be useless, she simply didn’t want to talk.

But of course Jiwoo hadn’t given up, whether she’d noticed it, too or not, she’d just continued rambling on, and from the backseat Jinsol had looked into the side-view mirror, meeting Jungeun’s eyes for a short moment. The emptiness inside of them had made her heart ache.

Now the girl is sitting in front of her and Jiwoo, slowly eating the chocolate chip pancakes the redhead had made sure to order with a little wink towards her direction.

Jinsol watches her take small sips from her coffee every now and then, and in this light the dark circles under her eyes are way more apparent, making her look even more worn out than at the hospital.

Next to her, Jiwoo is scooping a little bit of everything onto her plate, her eyes twinkling excitedly like a little kid’s in the toy section of a store, and watching her scarf down her eggs, sausages and croissants makes Jinsol hungrier than she thought she’d been, so she copies her, putting all kinds of stuff on the plate and finding that the food is actually amazing.

They barely talk, Jiwoo and Jinsol too busy stuffing themselves with five different things at once and Jungeun still intent on not breaking her vow of silence, but Jinsol catches her staring at her once, and she can’t quite figure out what it is she sees in her eyes, but she gives her a warm smile nonetheless.

She tries to ignore the little sting she feels when she doesn’t reciprocate it.

When they’ve finished eating and the waiter brings them the bill, Jinsol thinks her heart might stop.

The number is _huge_ and she definitely doesn’t have enough money with her to pay for one third of it, and over all the eating and silently watching Jungeun she hadn’t wasted a single thought on how they’re supposed to pay for all of that food.__

_ _She’s about to ask the other two girls how they all plan on paying when Jiwoo takes out her pink wallet and with a swift movement pulls out a shiny little card._ _

_ _”Don’t worry, guys. It’s on me”, she confidently assures, winking playfully before handing the waiter the card and watching him disappear behind the register._ _

_ _”How do you-“, Jinsol starts, baffled at the fact that Jiwoo has a card with enough money on it to pay for all of this like it’s nothing._ _

_ _”She’s daddy’s little girl”, Jungeun cuts her off, rolling her eyes, and Jinsol is too surprised at the fact she’s actually talking to really process what she just said._ _

_ _”Oh, shut up”, Jiwoo says and instead of sounding annoyed she’s eyeing her with a warm smile, visibly happy her roommate decided to finally speak up. “He just likes to make sure I have money when I need it.”_ _

_ _”And by that she means he’s rich and spoils her”, the silver-haired girl explains, and though her voice is laced with exhaustion it still has that Jungeun sass, and Jinsol is so incredibly glad she gets to hear it again._ _

_ _She looks over at Jiwoo, who’s just rolling her eyes, still smiling, and she’s not surprised she’s got a rich dad, all that brand-name clothing, the newest versions of several Apple products and the constant offers to take her out for lunch or dinner kind of gave it away._ _

_ _Still, she doesn’t feel comfortable having Jiwoo pay for all their food, so she pulls out her own wallet, and she’s about to open it, but Jiwoo shoves it away._ _

_ _”Nope”, she simply says, shaking her head and looking at her rebukingly, and Jinsol tries fishing out some money again, but then the other girl takes her wallet and shoves it into her coat pocket._ _

_ _”You’re getting this back when we’re out of here. I can’t have you pay for any of this”, she states, crossing her arms in front of her chest and giving her a triumphant look, “Besides, I still owe you food, remember?”_ _

_ _She doesn’t owe her that, she’s been practically begging her to get her food if anything, but Jinsol still laughs and waits till the waiter comes back with the card._ _

_ _When they’re in the parking lot Jiwoo gives her her wallet back as promised, and Jinsol shakes her head. This girl is quite a character, but she wouldn’t have it any other way._ _

_ _While they’re driving, Jiwoo plays some music, singing along softly, and her voice is unsurprisingly beautiful._ _

_ _Jinsol listens with her head leaned back, and Jiwoo’s voice is so mesmerising that she zones out for a while, focusing on nothing but her singing._ _

_ _Then, after the first chorus of the song, a second voice joins in, and even though it’s obvious it takes her brain a second to register that it belongs to Jungeun, and her voice is so soothing she thinks she could fall asleep to the sound of it._ _

_ _The blonde closes her eyes and shifts a little so she’s more comfortable, and ever so slowly she drifts off, the girls’ voices gradually fading away until she’s lulled into safe darkness, falling into peaceful sleep._ _

* * *

_ _They go back to Jiwoo and Jungeun’s dorm where Jiwoo makes them watch some dumb reality TV show, and Jinsol wonders if it’s one of those she used to watch (or still watches?) with Sooyoung._ _

The show itself is really not that good, but Jiwoo’s imitations and Jungeun’s sarcastic comments make her laugh until she has tears in her eyes, and they spend almost two hours watching episode after episode before Jungeun says she’s tired and they tuck her in like a baby.

”You guys are so annoying, you know that?”, she says, wrapped in two warm blankets, one of Jiwoo’s plushies in her arm.

”You can admit you like this, Jungie, don’t worry”, Jiwoo responds teasingly, and Jungeun rolls her eyes, but there’s a faint blush on her cheeks, and Jinsol smiles knowing that she’s secretly enjoying being babied.

She’s out soon after, and Jiwoo and her sit on the couch watching her sleep, quietly discussing how to prevent something like this from happening again.

”She’s so unpredictable”, Jiwoo whispers, frowning as she looks over at her roommate, “Sometimes she does one thing and then calms down after, but other times she goes on some sort of rampage. You never know with her.”

”Well, what do you usually do?”, Jinsol asks, curious to know how she deals with all of this.

”I try to talk her out of doing stuff”, she responds, shrugging. “That is, if I know she’s planning on being a dumbass. Obviously she doesn’t always tell me.”

Jinsol nods, and she hates the thought of not knowing what’s going on in Jungeun’s mind, if she’s planning on being self-destructive, and she realizes that yesterday there had been no signs of anything: She’d texted her like usual, and Jiwoo hadn’t noticed anything weird either.

”You know, she’s so impulsive. Once she wants to do something it’s like she has to, and it’s so hard to keep her from doing it”, Jiwoo explains, looking down at her lap when she continues, “There was this one time where she was ranting about her dad, and then in the middle of it she decided she wanted to drive all the way back home and smash his car windows in, and I couldn’t stop her.”

”What did you do?”

”I went with her.”

The blonde is shocked at how far Jungeun can go, and she pictures herself getting into a similar situation with her as Jiwoo. Would she do the same?

She would. She’d be scared and she’d try everything in her power to talk her out of it, but if it really came down to it she would.

”Actually, watching her break his windows was pretty satisfying. That asshole deserved it”, Jiwoo laughs, and Jinsol can’t quite imagine finding vandalism satisfying, but she giggles nevertheless.

There’s a long pause, and they silently watch Jungeun, a ball of pillows and blankets, and she looks so peaceful and small that it’s hard to imagine her smashing in car windows.

”She struggles a lot, but don’t we all?”, Jiwoo suddenly says, giving her a pensive look, and the blonde couldn’t agree more.

She knows what struggle is, she understands Jungeun and that’s why she wants to help her so badly even though she doesn’t know how.

”But I think as long as we’re here for her she’ll be fine”, the redhead says, turning to look at her reassuringly. “As long as we’re all here for each other.”

She leaves half an hour later, telling Jiwoo that she needs to shower and change into something else, and the other girl gives her what she thinks must be the tightest hug she’s ever received, and while they’re standing there, in the middle of the room, she mumbles into her neck: “Thank you so much for being here, Solie.”

* * *

Sooyoung is already sitting on the sofa waiting for her when she gets back, and the question comes as soon as she’s closed the door behind her.

”Where were you?”

It has that possessiveness, that suspicion to it again, and Jinsol doesn’t understand what her deal is. Why can’t she just hang out with other people in peace like Sooyoung does?

”With Jungeun and Jiwoo”, she states nonchalantly, opening one of her cupboard drawers to fish out some new clothes.

”All night long?”, she asks, and she makes it sound like she was doing something forbidden, like she hasn’t been doing the same thing almost every day this week.

”I slept in their dorm. Jiwoo and I were at the hospital till 1am”, she answers, holding up a white shirt and black sweatpants. ”Jungeun had alcohol poisoning, just in case you care.“

There’s silence, and when she turns to face her, Sooyoung’s expression is worried. No, worse than worried, it’s full of fear.

She visibly gulps. “Alcohol poisoning?”

Jinsol looks at her and she seems genuinely upset, and she hates that it surprises her because yeah, they might not be friends anymore, but that doesn’t mean Sooyoung is a heartless monster.

”Did she...did she say why she went out and drank that much?”, she asks hesitantly, as if she’s afraid of the answer.

”No, she didn’t talk really.”

More silence. Jinsol watches her roommate for a moment, and she looks like she’s deep in thought, like she’s trying to figure out what happened with Jungeun, and she wonders if maybe she knows more. After all they’re in the same class, _and_ they used to be close, stuff like that must’ve happened before.__

_ _”She was skipping class, right? You know why?”, she asks, and Sooyoung frowns and thinks about it for a few seconds._ _

_ _”Why wouldn’t she? If I hated my major like she does, I’d be doing the same thing”, she replies, leaning back on the couch and sighing._ _

_ _She goes quiet again after that, and Jinsol is about to close the bathroom door behind her and finally take that much-needed shower when she speaks up._ _

_ _”Next time you’re planning on staying away all night, tell me.”_ _

_ _Jinsol stops and turns back around to give her an amused look._ _

_ _”You could’ve just texted and asked where I am if you wanted to know so bad”, she scoffs, and Sooyoung nods slightly, biting her lip._ _

_ _”I know.”_ _

_ _”Why didn’t you?”_ _

_ _She gives her a look she can’t quite decipher, and she doesn’t say anything, but somehow Jinsol can’t bring herself to tear her gaze off of her and turn around, it’s like she’s frozen in place._ _

_ _The girl shrugs. “Would’ve been weird.”_ _

_ _”Only because you make it”, she wants to answer, but she doesn’t._ _

_ _Jinsol can’t believe she’s still acting like this, and she remembers her failed attempt at talking to her about it, at making things go back to normal._ _

_ _She rolls her eyes, and at this point she’s tired of trying, tired of doing things the nice way._ _

_ _”You know, Sooyoung, this is just annoying. You’ve been annoying all fucking week, and for no reason”, she finally tells her, finally lets her know what she’s actually thinking, and the other girl raises her eyebrows slightly, taken aback at her sudden harshness._ _

_ _”And why’s that?”, she laughs, crossing her arms in front of her chest and looking at her expectantly._ _

_ _Jinsol knows what she’s doing, knows that she’s about to try to provoke her way around this conversation, her guard up, but she isn’t going to let her. Not this time._ _

_ _”Because you’ve been avoiding me ever since I caught you and Jiwoo-“_ _

_ _”I have not”, she cuts her off gruffly, her eyes narrowed and her jaw clenched, and she clearly doesn’t want this to be brought up, and Jinsol knows she finally got to her._ _

_ _”Yeah, you have, and you know it. That’s why you think texting me would’ve been weird”, Jinsol counters before adding: ”Which it doesn’t have to be, but you wanna act like this over me finding out about you and Jiwoo being dumb fucking fuckbuddies!”_ _

_ _She’s raising her voice now, all of her built-up frustration and annoyance finally coming out, and Sooyoung is still just staring at her with narrowed eyes and it makes Jinsol even angrier._ _

_ _She doesn’t say anything for a few moments, and she is about to just turn around and slam the door behind her, not being able to stand being in this room any longer, but then the girl gets up and takes a few steps towards her till she’s standing right in front of her._ _

_ _She leans forward, her voice low when she says: “You think what happened on Monday isn’t a big deal and that I’m being dramatic. And you’d be right if someone else had walked in on us, but it was _you_.”___ _

_ _ _She’s getting closer and closer, and her face is only inches apart from Jinsol’s now, and the blonde searches her eyes for something, anything that can make her understand why it’s such a problem _she’d_ been the one to catch them.___ _ _

_ _ _But there’s nothing there she could understand._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. Then she opens them again, whispering: “You shouldn’t have seen that.”_ _ _

_ _ _And with that, she walks out, leaving Jinsol alone and confused for the hundredth time._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _Later, she tries to continue reading the paper for one of her classes, but she just can’t seem to focus, her mind is running wild with thoughts about what Sooyoung had said._ _ _

Why shouldn’t she have seen her and Jiwoo? Well, obviously no one should have, but why her in particular? Why the fuck is Sooyoung angry at her for seeing them?

She just can’t seem to make sense of it, and she’s growing tired of her roommate being this damn mysterious and hard to read, and when she’d first met her she never would’ve thought she’d end up having a side like this to her.

She continues staring at her paper, hard, but she realizes it’s a waste of time, and so she sighs and puts it away, grabbing her phone from the cupboard instead.

Opening up Instagram, she scrolls through a bunch of posts, liking a few, and she almost misses it with how quickly she’s scrolling, but when she goes back she sees a post that makes her pause.

It’s a photo of Sooyoung and some girl, and Sooyoung has her arms around her shoulder and her cheek pressed against hers, and the smug smile on her face tells Jinsol everything she needs to know about who the girl is.

The photo was posted an hour ago, and she must’ve gone straight to see her because not too long ago she was sitting on the couch arguing with Jinsol.

She can feel the blood rush into her head, and she’s angry at the fact that seeing her with this girl stings, angry that Sooyoung is still managing to rile her up even when she’s gone.

She quickly closes the app, not wanting to look at the picture any longer, putting her phone away and rolling over so she’s lying on her stomach, face buried into her pillow.

Sooyoung is going to drive her crazy.

She lies there for a few minutes, trying to stop the constant stream of thoughts shooting through her brain, but it’s useless, she can’t stop thinking about what she’d said during their argument and the fact she’d left to go fuck some girl right after like she couldn’t care less about what had happened before.

Then her phone rings for a second, telling her that she has a new notification, and when she checks it, she sees a text from Chaewon: ”yo u wanna come smoke?”

She thinks for a second. Actually that doesn’t sound like a bad idea. That doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all.

* * *

”So that’s why if you don’t really think about something it doesn’t really exist, you know?”, Chaewon says, finishing her monologue on the actual existence of things, eyes bloodshot and voice sleepy, and she’s gesturing with her hands slowly, like she’s conducting an orchestra playing a sonata.

She’s looking at Jinsol expectantly, like she thinks she actually understands what she’s trying to say, and an hour ago when she wasn’t as high maybe she would’ve tried to, but now she’s too far gone to care.

She giggles, taking another hit, and Chaewon giggles, too, and they’re both content just sitting there giggling without a care in the world.

That’s what Jinsol likes so much about weed, it makes you relax so much you forget all your worries and literally nothing could tear you out of that state of bliss and carefreeness.

And she needs that, she _really_ needs that, needs to stop thinking about Sooyoung and the way she makes her feel way too many things at once, about Jungeun and that hospital bed, about that night that started it all.__

_ _”Ah, I love weed, don’t you?”, Chaewon asks now and it’s like she’s reading her mind and who knows, maybe with the state they’re both in she’s capable of it._ _

_ _Jinsol nods, and when she gets up off the couch to get some snacks, feeling hungry, the door opens._ _

_ _At first she thinks it might be Hyejoo, who’s meeting up with Hyunjin, but suddenly Sooyoung stands there, and she doesn’t even see Jinsol at first, she’s staring straight ahead at Chaewon, and she looks nervous as far as she can tell with how high she is right now._ _

_ _”Hi, Sooyoung”, the blonde sitting on the couch says, waving with her hand excitedly and giving her a bright smile._ _

_ _”Chae”, the dark-haired girl starts, stepping inside and closing the door, then proceeding to grab the blunt out of her hand. “Chae, you need to hide this immediately.”_ _

_ _Chaewon just stares at her with wide eyes for a second, puzzled, and then she grabs the joint back._ _

_ _”Stealing is bad, Sooyoung”, she says, shaking her head and holding it up to her mouth again, and she’s about to take another drag when Sooyoung snatches it out of her hands and runs into the bathroom with it._ _

_ _A few seconds later the two blondes hear the toilet flush, and they give each other confused looks, not understanding why the hell she just did that._ _

_ _”You need to open the windows, it smells like fucking weed”, she says, and when she rushes towards them she gives Jinsol a short look, and she can’t really figure out what it means, maybe it’s simple acknowledgement or maybe it’s Sooyoung’s way of asking: “Now why the fuck are _you_ here?”___ _

_ _ _She opens the windows and Jinsol can feel the brisk air against her skin, and she’s still standing next to Chaewon’s cupboard holding a bag of chips and wondering what the fuck is going on._ _ _

_ _ _”Sooyoung…?”_ _ _

_ _ _Chaewon stares at her, looking like a puppy who just got kicked, and Sooyoung sighs._ _ _

_ _ _”Listen, I just came back and heard people talk about them searching the rooms. Some idiot snitched and told them someone is selling weed on campus, but they didn’t say who so get rid of this stuff before they come in here.”_ _ _

_ _ _”Shit”, Chaewon lets out and Sooyoung rolls her eyes._ _ _

_ _ _”Come on, we don’t have much time.”_ _ _

_ _ _Chae blinks, and then she gets up and opens a drawer in her desk, pulling out a few small plastic sachets with weed in them and running into the bathroom._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol and Sooyoung follow her, and she stands in front of the toilet for a long moment, looking down at it indecisively, and the other two give each other a short look because it doesn’t look like she’s going to throw her weed in there any time soon._ _ _

_ _ _”Alright, give me that shit”, Sooyoung finally says, tired of Chaewon’s hesitance, but also visibly nervous._ _ _

_ _ _She’s about to throw the contents of the sachets in the toilet when the short girl stops her._ _ _

_ _ _”Wait.”_ _ _

_ _ _She reaches out and takes the bag of chips Jinsol is still clutching, opening it and holding it out to them._ _ _

_ _ _”You guys want some?”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung stares at her in utter disbelief and Jinsol is having trouble processing why she’s asking them that, furrowing her eyebrows._ _ _

_ _ _”Yeah, I should’ve done this long ago”, Sooyoung scoffs, taking the weed back, but again Chaewon stops her._ _ _

_ _ _”No, listen, we’re gonna eat some of these and then hide the weed in there. They’re never gonna look for it in a chips bag”, she explains, and to Jinsol it’s the smartest thing she’s ever heard, so she smiles at her triumphantly knowing she found a great solution._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung, however, is looking at her with her eyes narrowed, trying to figure out if this is either an amazing idea or the dumbest thing Chaewon’s ever come up with, and for a few seconds it’s silent as the other two look at her expectantly._ _ _

_ _ _Wordlessly, she takes the bag from Jinsol and opens it, grabbing a handful and then passing it onto the shorter blonde, who shoves some into her mouth and proceeds to give the bag back to Jinsol who copies her._ _ _

_ _ _Now the bag is empty enough for them to be able to put the sachets in there, and Chaewon makes sure to place them at the bottom so they’re hidden by the chips inside, proceeding to roll part of the bag down._ _ _

_ _ _They walk out of the bathroom and she puts it back where it was, letting herself fall onto the couch afterwards, a content smile on her face._ _ _

_ _ _”Life is so easy when you’re smart.”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung raises her eyebrows. ”If they end up finding your weed I’ll visit you in jail just to tell you you wouldn’t be there if you’d listened to me”, she comments, but Chaewon just laughs and shakes her head._ _ _

_ _ _”They’re not going to. No one can catch Chaewon.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol nods like the girl is some sort of genius and everything she says is unbelievably smart and witty, and if she wasn’t high right now she’d probably be on the verge of passing out from nervousness, because even though the weed is hidden, it’s way too close._ _ _

_ _ _But right now she doesn’t care about that because Sooyoung glances at her from the side, and Jinsol shuffles her feet uncomfortably, suddenly hyperaware of the girl’s attention on her, and she moves to sit on the couch next to Chaewon, for a second thinking that Sooyoung might stop her, grab her arm, but she doesn’t._ _ _

_ _ _She sits down on a chair, and then they all wait in silence for someone to bust in and start searching the room._ _ _

_ _ _Chae just lies there, smiling, and stares at the ceiling, somewhere in her own world, while Jinsol and Sooyoung look everywhere but at each other, and she hadn’t felt it before, but now there’s a tension that’s almost palpable, and she wants to leave, go somewhere where she doesn’t have to be with Sooyoung. But she can’t, not before this is over._ _ _

_ _ _Ten minutes pass and they feel like ten hours, but someone comes in._ _ _

_ _ _It’s a guy in his forties, lanky and already balding, his moustache having more hair than his head, and he’s wearing baggy pants and a polo shirt, which is a weird combination, and Jinsol can’t help but let out a giggle, which earns her a frown from him._ _ _

_ _ _”I’m sure you’ve already heard, we’re searching everyone’s dorms for marijuana because apparently someone is selling it on campus”, he explains in a monotone voice, already walking around the room and inspecting it._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung looks over at Chaewon, who’s still staring up at the ceiling, and she pinches her quickly, giving her a stern look, screaming at her with her eyes to at least try to pretend she isn’t completely fucking high right now._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol knows it’s going to take a while until she comes down, but she’s pretty sure she’ll manage to just sit still and act normal, and she sits upright, rubbing her eyes a little even though she knows that won’t make them look any less red._ _ _

_ _ _The three girls watch the man slowly waltz through the room, looking through the cupboard drawers and on the beds, then checking the desks, and when he’s done he stops to stand in front of the sofa, seemingly waiting for something._ _ _

_ _ _Both Jinsol and Chaewon just give him confused looks, the latter still having the slightest hint of a smile on her face, and the guy looks back and forth between them and quirks an eyebrow._ _ _

_ _ _Meanwhile Sooyoung is trying to silently signal for them to get up, looking at them with wide eyes and subtly tilting her head, and it takes Jinsol a few seconds to figure out what she’s trying to tell them._ _ _

_ _ _Grabbing Chae’s arm, she pulls her with her, the two of them moving to sit on her bed instead, and the guy looks back at them for a few seconds before sighing and lifting up the cushions._ _ _

_ _ _Afterwards, he disappears in the bathroom for a few minutes before coming back out and telling them everything’s clean._ _ _

_ _ _They all nod, Chaewon maybe a little too excitedly, and he gives them a short nod back, turning to leave, but then he notices the open window._ _ _

_ _ _”Why is the window open?”_ _ _

_ _ _They all hesitate for a moment, but only for a moment before Sooyoung answers: “We needed some fresh air.”_ _ _

_ _ _There’s an edge to her voice that makes it clear she’s annoyed at being asked something this unnecessary, and she even rolls her eyes which makes the guy raise an eyebrow._ _ _

_ _ _He takes a step towards Jinsol and Chaewon on the bed, squinting, and when she meets his eyes Jinsol is helpless, she knows he sees how bloodshot they are._ _ _

_ _ _”What’s up with your eyes?”, he asks, slowly, like he’s savoring the moment, enjoying the knowledge that he might not walk out of here empty-handed._ _ _

_ _ _”She has an allergy”, Sooyoung jumps in immediately and Jinsol just nods exuberantly, mustering her most pitiful expression, and he stares at her carefully for a moment, squinting even harder. Jinsol can practically see him wracking his brain trying to figure out whether or not that’s the truth._ _ _

_ _ _Out of nowhere, he turns towards Chaewon. “And what about her? Does she have an allergy, too?”_ _ _

_ _ _”Yes, actually. I’m allergic to pollen and I can prove it if you want”, she answers confidently, crossing her arms in front of her chest, and she’s so convincing Jinsol wonders if she’s actually allergic._ _ _

_ _ _The two have some sort of stare down, and after a tense moment he looks away and turns around, ready to leave._ _ _

_ _ _”Alright, have a good day”, he says as he walks out and closes the door._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _Sooyoung leaves after that, ignoring all of Chaewon’s pleads to stay and warning her not to “open the fucking chips bag” before closing the door behind her._ _ _

Jinsol feels like she can breathe again now that she’s finally gone, and she’s starting to wonder where her and Sooyoung stand after that conversation. She’s unsure if the girl is angry at her or if things are just even more awkward than before, and what she‘s even more unsure about is how she feels about this whole thing.

On one hand she’s pretty uncomfortable around her now, her being at Chaewon’s dorm was kind of torturous, and she doesn’t even want to imagine what it’d be like if they were alone.

On the other she still desperately wants to know why it bothers Sooyoung so much she’d been the one to find her and Jiwoo, why she seems to be so angry at her, and she knows she’ll have to ask eventually.

Another hour later she leaves Chaewon’s after talking some more and giggling at dumb Youtube videos, and as she approaches her dorm she starts feeling increasingly nervous, having no idea of what to say to Sooyoung when she sees her.

Unfortunately for her she doesn’t really have the time to prepare herself, because she runs into her in the hallways, and both girls just stand there and stare at each other awkwardly.

”You going somewhere?”, Jinsol asks, realizing she was walking in the opposite direction of their dorm, and Sooyoung rolls her eyes like it’s obvious.

”I’m hanging out with my friends”, she says, pulling out her phone to check the time, clearly impatient.

”Alright then.”

She wants to say more, she wants to say so much more, but she doesn’t know what, and Sooyoung probably doesn’t want to hear it anyway, so she figures they might as well go their separate ways for now.

Sooyoung stares at her for another second, her eyebrows furrowed, and she looks like she’s thinking about something, not that Jinsol would know what.

”What do you think about Jiwoo and me?”, she finally asks, and the question completely takes her by surprise.

Jiwoo and her? What does she think about them? Hell, she doesn’t even know.

”I-Why are you asking me that?”

She really doesn’t know why Sooyoung would care about her opinion on this and it kind of irks her that she’s referring to them like they’re a thing.

But what if they are?

”Because I wanna know”, she blurts out, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms in front of her chest. “What did you think when you saw us that day?”

Jinsol pauses. What did she think?

She was shocked, that’s for sure, and she couldn’t get the image of them lying on top of each other half naked out of her head for the rest of the day.

A part of her was curious about the nature of their relationship, if they’re really just hooking up or if there’s feelings involved, and maybe a part of her was jealous, or something like it.

”I wasn’t expecting it”, she replies in a monotone voice, and Sooyoung’s searching her eyes, trying to see if there’s more she isn’t telling her. Jinsol tries her best to keep a blank expression.

”That’s it?”, she asks disbelievingly, and the blonde doesn’t particularly like the way she seems to naturally expect her to be more affected.

”That’s it”, she says curtly, already taking a step forward, ready to leave.

But this time, Sooyoung stops her, grabs her arm, and when Jinsol twirls around to meet her eyes they’re cautious, apologetic.

”When I said you shouldn’t have seen that...It was because I...I just didn’t know what you thought about it all”, she says, her voice tender and hesitant, and she’s still holding onto her arm, and she sounds so genuine.

”I didn’t want you to think I have feelings for her. Because I don’t”, she explains, and there’s a little part deep inside of her that is rejoicing, screaming with relief and happiness.

”Okay”, she says slowly, nodding, “So it’s just about sex.”

”It _was_ just about sex.”__

_ _”It’s over?”, Jinsol asks, surprised, and again, that part deep inside of her jubilates._ _

_ _”I ended it that same day.”_ _

_ _There’s a short pause, and Jinsol hadn’t expected her to end it at all, much less this soon, and all she can do is stare at her, eyebrows furrowed and eyes wide._ _

_ _”Look, Jiwoo and I used to be friends and I care about her, I do”, Sooyoung says now, pausing for a moment before she continues: “But I just don’t want you to think she means more to me than she does.”_ _

_ _Jinsol is taken aback at the harsh words, and she knows what the other girl is trying to say, but if she was Jiwoo she’d be hurt if she knew Sooyoung was talking about her like this._ _

_ _She nods because she doesn’t know what to say to that, and finally Sooyoung lets her arm go, gulping._ _

_ _Jinsol wonders why she cares about whether or not she knows about their relationship status so bad. She’s just her roommate, maybe her friend if this whole thing doesn’t end up making everything too awkward, why would it matter if she thinks that Sooyoung is in love with Jiwoo?_ _

_ _Unless...Unless it bothers Sooyoung if she thinks that. Unless she actually does like Jiwoo, but she doesn’t want anyone to know._ _

_ _The realization hits her like a train at full speed and it makes so much _sense_.___ _

_ _ _This is why Sooyoung was so weird around her, and this is why she was angry she was the one who saw them, because she doesn’t want her to think there’s feelings involved and go and tell Jungeun or Jiwoo._ _ _

_ _ _Her mouth falls open and her eyes widen, and she can’t help but blurt it out: “You don’t want me to think it because it’s true!”_ _ _

_ _ _The look Sooyoung gives her is priceless: It’s like her mouth and her eyes are competing to see who can be more wide open, and she looks so appalled Jinsol might’ve as well told her she threw away her favorite pair of stilettos._ _ _

_ _ _”What the fuck?!”, is all she can say, and the fact that Jinsol finally figured it out and this is her reaction to it makes her giggle._ _ _

_ _ _“Don’t worry, I’m not telling anyone”, she assures in between giggles, and she thinks she really doesn’t know why Sooyoung had assumed she would._ _ _

_ _ _”Jinsol”, her roommate starts, shaking her head frantically, “I didn’t want you to think that because I knew you’d react like that!”_ _ _

_ _ _She sounds annoyed now, almost angry, and it immediately ruins her mood, and she feels like she just got smacked straight across the face._ _ _

_ _ _She’s embarrassed and she hates the way Sooyoung is looking at her, like she’s braindead or something, it makes her feel like she’s actually stupid when she’d just drawn a logical conclusion._ _ _

_ _ _”Jinsol, I didn’t want you to think I like Jiwoo because I want you to know that I’m not-I’m not wasting time with feelings for anyone right now. You know, I-I’m...free.”_ _ _

_ _ _The blonde blinks, trying to process what the dark-haired girl has just told her, and it’s hard because there’s so much to unpack._ _ _

_ _ _What does she mean by being “free”? Is she saying she’s...available? And why does she want Jinsol to know that? It can’t be because-_ _ _

_ _ _”Anyways, I gotta go”, Sooyoung says, taking a step back, still staring at her, and Jinsol just nods, gulping, and her head is spinning from trying to figure this out, from trying to figure _her_ out.___ _ _

_ _ _Then she turns around and leaves, and as she watches her walk down the hallway she wonders if Sooyoung saying something drastic and then leaving is their thing now._ _ _


	8. Fuck It

The next few weeks are uneventful, and Jinsol finds herself falling into a routine consisting of waking up, attending classes, studying and going to sleep.

Things between her and Sooyoung are normal again, well, if you can call the girl completely ignoring anything had ever happened after that conversation and just acting the way she did before college had started normal.

But even though she still has questions, she can’t find it in herself to complain or even attempt to actually ask Sooyoung about them, for one because she knows it would be useless, leading only to more weird conversations that don’t make sense and that somehow Sooyoung seems to be controlling even though Jinsol is the one who started them.

And then there’s also this part of her that’s been longing for things to go back to normal so badly that she doesn’t even care if it happened the way it did. That part longs for the fun, the all-consuming feeling of a new start those few days before college had given her, Sooyoung had given her.

And she’s good at playing the role of the fun, sassy, enchanting Sooyoung that she first met, that teases her oh so playfully. She’s amazing at it, so amazing that if Jinsol leans back and lets her, she can almost make her forget all the drama they had. Sooyoung the actress.

When Jinsol sits at her desk at 1am, hunched over her laptop, eyes burning and headache making her groan in pain, she walks in after being in the city with friends, or hanging out at someone’s dorm, or whatever it is she’s doing that day and immediately rolls her eyes and takes her hand, making her sit on her bed with her.

”You’re taking this _way_ too seriously”, she says, opening up a bag of M&M’s and handing it to her, and Jinsol greedily grabs a handful, not having eaten in way too long.__

_ _”I have to if I want good grades”, she replies matter-of-factly, savoring the taste of the candy, feeling it somehow invigorate her._ _

_ _”Fuck good grades”, Sooyoung gives back, casually popping a single M&M in her mouth. “You–”, she says, pointing a finger at her, “–need a break.”_ _

_ _But it’s not that easy. Jinsol is practically drowning in work already, and being the ambitious geek she is, she just has to deliver the best results possible, which unfortunately for her sleep schedule and her social life, requires studying basically all day long, all the way into the early morning hours._ _

_ _It’s always been this way for her, back in high school she’d mostly focused on her grades and if her friends hadn’t taken the initiative and approached her first, she would’ve probably ended up being a loner. A loner with amazing grades, sure, but still a loner, and she’s glad things were different, but she’s also glad she’d used most of her time to study because otherwise she wouldn’t have made it this far, and she is not going to change her well-tried ways just because she’s in college._ _

_ _In fact, exactly _because_ she’s in college she shouldn’t, but Sooyoung doesn’t want to hear any of that. She just keeps rambling on about how she needs to relax and have fun, how that’s what college is there for, and how she’s taking her with her the next time she goes out.___ _

_ _ _But Jinsol rejects those offers every time despite the other girl trying hard to persuade her, and so most nights she’s sitting in their dorm alone, reading, writing, doing whatever it is she needs to do to stay class topper, and whenever she lets herself rest for a few minutes she just wonders how Sooyoung manages to seemingly always be somewhere but still effortlessly master her classes._ _ _

_ _ _She’s aware hers are less difficult and time-consuming, but at the end of the day they’re still a lot of work, and she rarely ever sees the girl actually sit at her desk and do something. Sometimes she claims to meet up with friends to study, but Jinsol can already imagine what that’s like, and if her friends are just half as fun-loving, easily bored and talkative as she is, she really doesn’t think much studying is ever done._ _ _

_ _ _Then again, she’s smart and a fast learner, and apparently she never really had to do much in order to pass with flying colors, so she can probably afford partying all the time, and Jinsol admits that maybe, just maybe she’s a little overdramatic and she could let loose more often, too, without having to worry about her grades._ _ _

_ _ _Still, she’s just too overachieving and easily worried to just relax and let herself have some fun, and so with all her studying she ends up barely talking to anyone besides Sooyoung, and if she wasn’t her roommate she knows she wouldn’t be seeing her too much either._ _ _

_ _ _She does go over to see Chaewon and Hyejoo a few times, and they visit her and Sooyoung as well, and when the short blonde sees the stacks of books and papers on her desk, she shakes her head disapprovingly._ _ _

_ _ _”Now _this_–“, she points at the desk, “–is how your desk should _never_ look.”_____ _ _

_ _ _After that she grabs the backrest of the chair Jinsol’s sitting on and starts dragging it away from the desk with ease, and she’s surprised at how unexpectedly strong this frail girl is._ _ _

_ _ _She stops at Jinsol’s bed and makes her lie down, tucking her in and then admiring her work with a satisfied smile._ _ _

_ _ _”Okay, now you’re going to chill while I tell you about how I totally embarrassed one of my professors today”, she says, grabbing a bottle of orange juice from the cupboard and sitting down next her, and Sooyoung and Hyejoo just roll their eyes at the scene, though they can’t help but smile a little._ _ _

_ _ _Once, when Chaewon is crazy enough to suggest smoking weed not too long after her dorm had been searched, all Jinsol can do is look at her flabbergasted because she can’t possibly be serious._ _ _

_ _ _”Oh, please, they were here once, they’re not gonna come again”, she states casually, and Jinsol really can’t believe she’s this careless. After that incident she’d planned on never smoking weed in the dorms again, and here she is just saying they should roll a blunt like it’s nothing. _ _ _

_ _ _She ends up being able to convince her not to do it, though, and so they sit there, listen to music and talk, and it’s mostly just Chae and Jinsol making conversation with Hyejoo being on her phone, but every now and then she says something, too, and Jinsol thinks she’s finally starting to warm up to her because she actually wants to know stuff, and they even end up bonding over their shared love for a certain zombie phone game (Which Jinsol doesn’t let herself play too often nowadays, of course)._ _ _

_ _ _She sees Jungeun and Jiwoo, too, and if Jinsol is doing too much for school, Jungeun is the complete opposite: When she steps into their dorm one day, there’s books and papers just lying on the ground in front of her desk, and all Jungeun says is that she can’t be bothered to study right now._ _ _

_ _ _”It’s all useless bullshit anyway”, she comments while looking at the pile for a moment and then shrugging, and Jinsol can’t help herself, she picks up everything and neatly stacks it on the desk, just because she can’t stand seeing that mess on the floor._ _ _

_ _ _Her friend just rolls her eyes with an amused smile, and Jinsol smiles, too, even though she really doesn’t like the thought of her sabotaging herself like this._ _ _

_ _ _She talks to Jiwoo about it, but she only tells her that this is “typical Jungeun behavior”._ _ _

_ _ _”She always does this. First she can’t be bothered to do any work and then as soon as her father asks how the semester is going she gets her shit together and becomes one of the best students in her class.”_ _ _

_ _ _When Jinsol raises her eyebrows and tilts her head, still not convinced, Jiwoo lightly nudges her._ _ _

_ _ _”This is one thing we don’t have to worry about. Trust me, she’ll come around”, she says, giving her an encouraging smile. “She always does.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jiwoo invites her out for dinner with her and Jungeun one evening, and Jinsol wants to accept the offer so _badly_, but that same evening she has to finish something for class that really can’t wait, the deadline being the next day, and so she has to say no, and even over the phone Jiwoo’s disappointed voice pains her.___ _ _

_ _ _She wishes she could be more careless and say yes and just try and finish her work after dinner, or say fuck it and forget about it completely. She knows Sooyoung would. She knows because she tells her, overhearing part of the conversation when she walks out of the shower, hair still damp, giving her a pitying look when she meets her eyes._ _ _

_ _ _”You should really go”, she says, drying her hair off with a towel, and Jinsol is kind of entranced by the way those long dark strands fall down the side of her face when she leans over a little._ _ _

_ _ _It does surprise her because, well, it’s Jungeun and Jiwoo, but she supposes Sooyoung is really trying to go back to the start, back when she wouldn’t show she’s bothered by Jinsol being friends with the girls._ _ _

_ _ _”I know”, Jinsol replies in exasperation, her voice weary._ _ _

_ _ _”Then why don’t you? Fuck that paper.”_ _ _

_ _ _ _Fuck that paper._ She wishes it was that easy for her, she wishes she could be more like Sooyoung and just say fuck everything, and she thinks that maybe in an alternate universe she’s as cool as her, or maybe even cooler (if that’s possible at all).__ _ _ _

_ _ _She wishes she could say fuck everything when she works until 2am and ends up falling asleep right there at her desk, body sprawled across her laptop and some books, and when Sooyoung finds her it’s already past 3am, and she doesn’t say anything, just takes her hands and guides her towards her bed._ _ _

_ _ _When she’s lying there, head barely peeking out from underneath the covers, she strokes her hair softly, giving her a sad look, and Jinsol is so tired she can only glance back at her through heavy-lidded eyes, seconds away from falling asleep again._ _ _

_ _ _”Jinsol”, she whispers in a low voice, her own name sounding like a wail, and her eyes flutter open ever so slightly to take in Sooyoung’s pained expression, her big dark eyes full of silent worry._ _ _

_ _ _”Jinsol, you need a break.”_ _ _

_ _ _That’s the last thing she hears before she closes her eyes, feeling the other girl’s soft touch once more before she finally falls asleep._ _ _

_ _ _When she wakes up that next day, she nearly has a stroke when she checks her phone and sees that it’s almost 2pm, and she immediately scrambles out of bed when she realizes she’s missed her classes for the day, suddenly fully awake._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung, who’s sitting on her bed scrolling on her phone looks up and gives her a short smile._ _ _

_ _ _”You’re up!”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol stares at her, blinking several times, and she remembers waking up on her desk with Sooyoung standing above her, she remembers her tucking her in, and she knows she didn’t have any classes at the time Jinsol was supposed to be awake, so she wonders why she hadn’t woken her up the same way she’d made her sleep._ _ _

_ _ _”Sooyoung, I missed my classes”, she says, her voice raspy but full of despair, and she says it like she can still do something about that, like she can turn back time and wake her up._ _ _

_ _ _”So what?”, she replies, rolling her eyes, then turning her attention back to her phone._ _ _

_ _ _So what? She missed her classes, which are _important_ for fuck’s sake, and it’s Sooyoung’s fault!___ _ _

_ _ _She clears her throat. ”Why didn’t you wake me up?”, she asks, frowning, and then Sooyoung finally turns her phone off and puts it away._ _ _

_ _ _”Listen, Jinsol. I found you sleeping on your fucking desk at 3am. You need a break”, she asserts, her face serious, and Jinsol remembers those same exact words from the night before._ _ _

_ _ _ _You need a break.___ _ _ _

_ _ _She sighs and holds her head, which as she only now notices is throbbing, and she moves to grab an Aspirin from one of her cupboard drawers, quickly swallowing it with some water._ _ _

_ _ _”See, you have a headache!”, Sooyoung comments, and she sounds almost accusatory, like it’s Jinsols fault._ _ _

_ _ _”All that studying really isn’t good for you.” Oh, so it _is_ her fault.___ _ _

_ _ _”So now you just decided I should skip my classes?”, she counters, and she can barely hide how irritated she is because she just woke up and her head feels like it’s about to explode and she didn’t even manage to finish her paper last night._ _ _

_ _ _”Jinsol, it’s _one day_, for fuck’s sake. You need to chill already.”___ _ _

_ _ _She never skipped classes except for when she was really, really sick or something incredibly important came up (which was close to never), not even during her last year of high school, where practically everyone just came whenever they wanted. She’s not used to doing this, so she doesn’t know how to “chill” now that she’s uselessly missing classes and doesn’t get to hand in a project she’s worked on every day since last week._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol shakes her head, making a mental note to always set her alarm before midnight, when she’s not as tired yet, instead of right before going to bed._ _ _

_ _ _That day, Sooyoung practically forces her to go out to some fancy new café with her, and even though she’s still a little mad at her for not waking her up earlier, she can’t refuse those puppy dog eyes, so she does as she’s told and picks out some nice clothes and tries her best to conceal the dark rings under her eyes._ _ _

_ _ _The café is _really_ fancy, and every other café she’s ever been to pales in comparison to how luxurious it looks, and she doesn’t even want to know how much she’ll end up having to pay.___ _ _

_ _ _But her worries are all forgotten when the waiter arrives and Sooyoung pulls out her wallet and winks, paying for both of them with her card._ _ _

_ _ _”Consider this my apology”, she tells her, and even though she’s willing to let her pay for her coffee as a way of making up for not waking her, she interjects when she tries to pay for dinner later that day, and they end up bickering for fifteen minutes before the waiter announces he’ll come back later and let them figure it out._ _ _

_ _ _”This is your day off. Everything’s on me, so don’t worry about it”, Sooyoung says through gritted teeth, pulling on her wallet that Jinsol is trying to take from her._ _ _

_ _ _”Sooyoung, this is too expensive, I can’t let you pay for all of it”, Jinsol responds, tugging on the wallet harder, and it seems like they could do this for hours because they’re both equally strong._ _ _

_ _ _”But I have more money than you.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol lets go of the wallet, staring at her in disbelief, and Sooyoung just quirks an eyebrow._ _ _

_ _ _”You know it’s true.”_ _ _

_ _ _She doesn’t know whether to be offended or not because sure, she might be right, but she really did not have to say it that bluntly._ _ _

_ _ _When the waiter comes back Sooyoung practically throws her card at him, and Jinsol doesn’t object this time because she’s still a little irked over that comment, and later she realizes she might’ve just said that on purpose to get her to back off._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _It’s a little after 1am on a Tuesday, and Jinsol’s sitting at her desk as usual, doing research on artificial intelligence, her eyes flying across her laptop screen, when Sooyoung stumbles into the dorm, and Jinsol can already smell the alcohol on her even from where she’s sitting._ _ _

”Hello”, she mumbles, struggling to kick her black shiny stilettos off, and Jinsol watches her with an amused smile.

”Hi”, she greets back casually, and she lets out a laugh when her friend almost trips over nothing as she makes her way towards her bed, slumping onto it and sighing.

”I see you had fun”, she states, swivelling in her chair to look at the other girl, who’s lying there with her arms outstretched, staring up at the ceiling.

”Mhm”, she simply replies, and for a few seconds she doesn’t say anything else, but then she promptly sits up and shoots her a concerned look.

”Baby, you’re working”, she whines, furrowing her eyebrows and pouting, and God, does she look cute like that.

_Baby_. She knows that she’s drunk and that little word doesn’t mean anything, but nevertheless it makes her heart beat a little faster, and she blushes, almost forgetting to answer her.__

_ _”I need to do some research for a paper”, she then explains, and Sooyoung nods and slowly gets up, taking a few steps until she’s standing right above her._ _

_ _”You need to rest”, she slurs, and then all of a sudden, she climbs onto her lap, her hands intertwined behind her neck, and if Jinsol was blushing before, now she’s red as a tomato._ _

_ _Sooyoung presses closer to her, never breaking eye contact, and Jinsol gulps, trying hard not to look away._ _

_ _What the fuck is going on?_ _

_ _She knows Sooyoung is wasted, that this is not her doing this, it’s the alcohol, and tomorrow she’s not going to remember any of this, and maybe she should just tell her to go to sleep._ _

_ _She tries to push her off, but Sooyoung just clings tighter to her, grabbing her face and making her look her in the eyes._ _

_ _And with that single action it’s like she’s put a spell on her and Jinsol can’t help but obey, wanting to do whatever it is Sooyoung wants her to do, though she’s taken aback by how quickly the atmosphere has changed, and she doesn’t know what to do with her hands, doesn’t know what to do at all. And it seems like the girl notices, because she guides them towards her waist, and she carefully grips it, too afraid of doing much more._ _

_ _Her mouth falls open and then closes again as she tries to come up with something to say, but her brain short circuits when Sooyoung starts literally _grinding_ on her.___ _

_ _ _And still she doesn’t break eye contact, and with the way she’s fixating her she doesn’t think she can move even an inch, it’s like she’s glued to the chair._ _ _

_ _ _She feels something deep inside her stir as Sooyoung continues her grinding, and finally she lets herself hold onto her waist tighter, attempting to slowly guide her movements._ _ _

_ _ _She watches the way her own fingers curl around the other girl’s curves, watches her move her hips exactly the way she wants them to, and all she can think is that this is so, so _hot_.___ _ _

_ _ _When she looks back up at Sooyoung, she’s licking her lips, and something about the short motion makes her want to lean forward and kiss her until neither of them can breathe anymore, until their lips are bruised and they can barely feel them, until they don’t know their own names anymore, all they know is each other’s taste._ _ _

_ _ _She moves a little closer, just enough so she can see the tiny little strand of hair that’s hanging in front of her face, almost invisible, and she slowly reaches forward and pushes it to the side._ _ _

_ _ _However when she pulls her hand back, Sooyoung stops her, catching her by the wrist and holding it right in front of her face, and Jinsol doesn’t dare move it, eyes still trained on the dark-haired girl on top of her, waiting reverently for her next move._ _ _

_ _ _And when she guides it to her mouth and takes her thumb in, slowly sucking on it, all the while her eyes never leaving hers, Jinsol thinks she could scream._ _ _

_ _ _Nothing sexual she’s ever experienced comes close to this, nothing had ever turned her on this much, and she can’t even imagine what Sooyoung can do with her clothes off if this is what she does when they’re still on._ _ _

_ _ _Something overcomes her, something so feral and impetuous, and she pushes her thumb in further, and the way Sooyoung obediently opens her mouth wider makes her whole body tingle with overwhelming want._ _ _

_ _ _She doesn’t know how much time passes before the other girl lets her finger go and stops grinding on her, instead leaning forward ever so slowly to kiss her neck, but when she does it’s better than she could’ve ever imagined, it’s heaven, and she never wants it to stop._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol’s head lolls back and she closes her eyes, gripping Sooyoung’s waist tighter when she starts sucking and biting on it lightly, letting out a sigh at how good it feels. It’s like she’s ascended into some other realm, where there’s nothing and no one but Sooyoung and her on this chair, forgetting about everything else around them._ _ _

_ _ _But it ends all too soon when the girl pulls back and looks at her, dazed and intoxicated in more than one way, and Jinsol begrudgingly lifts her head up and opens her eyes, as if she’s just woken up._ _ _

_ _ _They look at each other for a few seconds, and she doesn’t like the way they’re further apart again, she wants to pull her body up against hers, but then Sooyoung rests her head on her shoulder and wraps her arms around her, and it takes her by surprise, so for just a moment she stiffens, thoroughly confused as to why she stopped so suddenly._ _ _

_ _ _The other girl shifts, as if to tell her to hold her, and so she does. She holds her tight, stroking her hair softly, and somehow this feels just as good as what just happened, but in a different way, and just as abruptly as the atmosphere had heated up it relaxes again and then they’re just sitting there, wrapped around each other, letting fatigue overcome them._ _ _

_ _ _With the girl still so close to her, Jinsol can't stop thinking about what happened before, what they’ve done, and even though just a minute ago Sooyoung was kissing her neck, it all feels so far away now, like a dream, and she’s tired and everything is so hazy._ _ _

_ _ _After a while she notices that Sooyoung’s breathing has become slow, carefully lifting her head a little to find that she’s fallen asleep on top of her, and just like the night of Heejin’s party she looks as peaceful as a baby._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol would hate to wake her when she’s like this, almost considers letting her continue sleeping on top of her, but she knows that would end up being uncomfortable for the both of them, so she nudges her slightly._ _ _

_ _ _”Sooyoung”, she whispers, and when the girl doesn’t react, a little louder: “Sooyoung.”_ _ _

_ _ _Her eyes flutter open, and she’s looking at her all lost, like she passed out somewhere else and suddenly woke up in Jinsol’s arms, and the blonde just smiles softly._ _ _

_ _ _”Go to sleep”, she murmurs, and Sooyoung doesn’t move, just continues staring at her, so she nudges her once more._ _ _

_ _ _”Come on, let’s sleep.”_ _ _

_ _ _Her roommate blinks, and then finally, her brain seems to register what’s going on and she clumsily gets off of her, barely able to stand up, so Jinsol steadies her, her hands finding their way to her hips again._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung looks down at her for a few more seconds, her expression unreadable, and when she speaks her voice is laced with tiredness._ _ _

_ _ _”Goodnight, Jinsol.”_ _ _

_ _ _”Goodnight, Sooyoung.”_ _ _

_ _ _She watches her pull off her skirt and top and climb into bed in her underwear, and unlike all the times she’s seen her undress before, this time oddly enough there’s nothing sexual about it._ _ _

_ _ _When the other girl has pulled her blanket over herself, Jinsol turns back around and looks at her laptop, whose screen is still showing the website she’d last pulled up, and after a few seconds she just closes it._ _ _

_ _ _Fuck artificial intelligence._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _The next day Jinsol isn’t sure whether to prepare for a weird, pointless confrontation à la Jiwoo and Sooyoung debacle, awkward silence or blissful ignoring of the events of the previous night._ _ _

She doesn’t even know if Sooyoung will still remember what happened, and even though she knows that might be for the best, deep down she hopes she still knows, still remembers her touch, her hands on her waist.

But obviously she has to wait for Sooyoung to sleep off the alcohol to find out if she’s forgotten it all, and that takes a while.

Jinsol is up at 10, having no classes until 2pm, and she doesn’t expect the other girl to be awake yet, so she has a cereal bar and sits on her phone for a good hour, scrolling through social media and even playing that zombie game.

Normally she’d never waste that much time on those things, but it’s like closing her laptop yesterday and saying “Fuck it” was the first step to a more relaxed, laid-back Jinsol who doesn’t worry about her grades as much.

That and she genuinely feels like what happened with Sooyoung did something to her, something that makes her want to be more carefree, more wild, more like _her_.__

_ _And so, when she grows bored of playing on her phone and her roommate is still not awake, she puts on some nice clothes, does her makeup, and drives to that same café her and Sooyoung went to once._ _

_ _She gets their most expensive drink, a special mocha latte with all sorts of toppings, and sits down and drinks it slowly, as if she has all the time in the world, savoring every sip._ _

_ _When she’s done she decides to visit the nice big park that lies right opposite of the café, and the sun is shining and it’s pleasantly warm, and she really doesn’t think she could be worried about anything right now even if she tried._ _

_ _There’s not too many people there because it’s still not even noon, and she enjoys the peace and quiet that she wouldn’t have if she was surrounded by barking dogs and crying children, taking her time to walk on the slab-lined path leading through the whole park, past metal benches, colorful flowers and a nice white fountain right in the middle of it all._ _

_ _It’s been a while since she’s been outside like this, all that studying and worrying about college preventing her from leaving campus except for when Sooyoung made her that one time, and it feels so good to soak in the sun, almost like she’s soaking up energy at the same time._ _

_ _She closes her eyes when warm sun rays hit her face, gently caressing her skin, and all she can think is that she absolutely needs to come here more often._ _

_ _She spends more than an hour walking around and sitting on one of the benches in front of the fountain before she decides that it’s time to go back, and in the car she plays loud music and sings along at the top of her voice, and she hasn’t been this happy and relaxed in a long time, which includes the time before college as well, and she thinks that if this is how this park manages to make her feel she’ll go there every day if she can._ _

* * *

_ _When she walks into the dorm Sooyoung is sitting on her bed nicely dressed, her makeup perfect, scrolling on her phone, and at first Jinsol can’t believe there’s not a single trace of a hangover anywhere, but then she thinks that this is Sooyoung, of course she’d look like _this_ after a long night of clubbing because who would she be if she didn’t get herself together as soon as possible?___ _

”And where’d _you_ go?”, she asks, looking up from her phone, and this time there’s no jealousy, no suspicion, no possessiveness to her voice, it’s pure curiosity paired with just a little bit of tiredness.__

_ _”I went to that fancy café you made me go to, and then I was at the park there”, she answers, giving her an uncertain smile, trying to read the atmosphere, whether she should be on guard or not, whether Sooyoung is going to start a speech about how what they did wasn’t a big deal, that she was just drunk and that they should forget about it, and when she meets her eyes they’re uncertain, too._ _

_ _”That’s great”, she comments, and then there’s silence as they stare at each other for a few seconds._ _

_ _Jinsol is about to speak up, tell her that if she wants to ignore it it’s okay with her, that the alcohol is to blame, that she’s sorry for even letting her do all of that, when Sooyoung offers something even better._ _

_ _”God, I can’t remember anything that happened last night”, she says, frowning and running a hand through her hair, and Jinsol giggles._ _

_ _”How much did you have to drink?”_ _

_ _”_Way_ too much.”___ _

_ _ _This is it. This is how they’re choosing to deal with what happened last night. Blissful ignoring._ _ _

_ _ _She can’t say she’s mad about it, because God knows she prefers this over one of their confusing fights or awkward silence, and she doesn’t know what she would say to Sooyoung if they were to actually have a mature conversation anyway. That she liked it a lot and wants it to happen again? That it was like ten minutes of heaven to her? She’d rather die than say those words out loud._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol sits down on her bed and copies Sooyoung, grabbing her phone to go through a bunch of social media apps again._ _ _

_ _ _She’s almost done scrolling down her Twitter timeline when she gets a text from Jiwoo: “solie you need to come over!!! jungeun is gone!!!”_ _ _

_ _ _Gone? Gone as in missing? Her good mood disappears immediately as she imagines all the horrible things that could possibly mean, and she gets up and runs into the hallway to put her jacket on as quickly as possible._ _ _

_ _ _”Hey, where are you going?”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung has gotten up, too, and she’s standing in front of her with a worried look on her face as she watches her frantically put on a pair of sneakers._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol pauses and looks back at her for a second, contemplating whether or not she should tell her what’s up with Jungeun. If she did, would she care?_ _ _

_ _ _She remembers that time she told her about her alcohol poisoning, the way her voice had been shaking when she’d repeated the words, the worry in her eyes, and she decides that she wants to tell her._ _ _

_ _ _”Jungeun’s gone.”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung frowns and again her voice wavers when she repeats: “Gone? What do you mean ‘gone’?”_ _ _

_ _ _”I don’t know either, but I’m going to her dorm now.”_ _ _

_ _ _The other girl nods and wordlessly steps into the hallway to grab a jacket, and Jinsol blinks as she realizes that she’s choosing to come with her. For a second she can’t help but wonder if this is really that good of an idea with everything that has happened with Jiwoo and her, but then she immediately pushes the thought away. Jungeun’s gone, and that’s more serious than any drama that happened between them._ _ _

_ _ _They look at each other one last time before they leave the dorm, closing the door behind them, and their minds are racing with thoughts about where Jungeun could possibly be as they run down the hallway as quickly as possible, trying to get to the dorm to help find Jungeun. Trying to help find her before it might be too late._ _ _


	9. Lost & Found

When the two girls step into the dorm, they find Jiwoo sitting on her bed crying, her legs pulled up and her head buried in her arms, and even when they’re standing in front of her and Jinsol is trying to talk to her she doesn’t leave her position.

”Jiwoo”, Sooyoung quietly mutters then, slowly and carefully reaching out to touch her back, and as soon as she does the other girl flinches and backs away like her touch hurts.

When Jinsol looks over at her there’s barely restrained hurt swimming in her eyes, and she doesn’t know why it surprises her, why she’d expected an annoyed eye roll or an irritated scoff, but Sooyoung notices her staring, so she quickly clears her throat and does exactly what’s expected of her: She rolls her eyes, crossing her arms impatiently and waiting for someone else to say something.

”Jiwoo, we’re gonna find her”, Jinsol assures, and with her voice wavering the way it does she sounds as unbelievable as someone who just claimed to be able to breathe underwater.

Jiwoo looks up at that, her eyes bloodshot from crying and her makeup smudged, and Jinsol wonders if she was already crying when she texted her.

The redhead keeps her eyes trained on her, completely ignoring Sooyoung, and then she wipes across her face and gets up, grabbing a bottle of water from her desk and hastily swallowing nearly half of it.

She sniffs and plops down onto her chair with a sigh, before finally speaking: “I haven’t seen her since yesterday morning”, she states, staring absentmindedly at Jungeun’s desk, Jinsol realizing that she hasn’t heard anything from her at all ever since either, and now she curses herself for not wondering where her daily “god i hate college” text was.

”She said she was going to class, and that she was meeting up to study with a friend afterwards, and that they were going to go out and it might get late, and I was just so happy she was attending class for once”, she elaborates, pausing for a moment when her voice breaks before continuing: “I didn’t think anything of it, and now it’s almost 1pm and she’s still not back. She would’ve texted me by now.”

”Maybe she’s still with her friend?”, Jinsol offers carefully, but Jiwoo shakes her head immediately.

”I already called. She said Jungeun was in class, but she didn’t see her afterwards.”

She thinks for a second. So Jungeun lied. Clearly she must’ve done that so she could go somewhere else, right? Somewhere they’re obviously not supposed to know about.

Sooyoung sighs and rolls her eyes again.

”Seriously? She probably just got drunk and is still passed out”, she opines, and for the first time since they stepped into the dorm Jiwoo looks at her, and the anger in her eyes is something Jinsol had never expected to see on her.

”No. She would’ve texted me back before that at least, but she’s been ignoring all of my messages”, she replies, crossing her arms defensively, and Jinsol looks back and forth between the two, sees Sooyoung cross her arms as well, and she knows she’s preparing for a fight.

”Well, maybe she just got annoyed by you spamming her all day long”, she states in a disparaging tone, and Jiwoo snorts.

”Sure, that’s why she always answers my messages no matter how much I ‘spam’”, she gives back before adding: “Not that you’d know what that feels like.”

Sooyoung narrows her eyes and the glare she gives her makes her worry she might grab her head and smash it against the table, and Jiwoo stares back equally as ready to fight, while Jinsol is still trying to figure out what she just meant by that last sentence.

Jungeun used to ignore Sooyoung’s texts? Is that the reason why they’re not friends anymore? Because the silver-haired girl started neglecting her?

The two girls are still staring each other down, and the tension makes her feel uncomfortable, but she’s afraid to step in, doesn’t really know how to, so all she can do is watch helplessly and pray they don’t start wrestling with each other any second now.

”Yeah, but I do know what it feels like to be spammed by you, and it’s fucking annoying”, Sooyoung replies, raising her voice a little, and Jiwoo opens her mouth and tilts her head at that.

”Oh yeah? Well, maybe if you’d replied to me right away when I told you it’s over instead of avoiding me like a coward I wouldn’t have had to spam you.”

Jinsol frowns. Didn’t Sooyoung say she ended things the same day she found them?

Sooyoung looks over at her, her mouth opening and closing as if she’s trying to find the right words to say, to explain herself.

”Jinsol, I-“

”So you didn’t end it that same day?”, she breaks her off, eyes wide in disbelief.

”The same day?”, Jiwoo snorts. “Did she really tell you that?”

Jinsol gulps, and she doesn’t know what to think now, doesn’t know how she was blinded enough not to immediately realize she was lying when Jiwoo told her something else before, doesn’t know who she’s more angry at, herself or Sooyoung.

”Jinsol, listen, I did end it that day, I just didn’t say it.”

”Yeah, cause you were too busy being a pussy and ignoring me!”, Jiwoo says once more, and the dark-haired girl groans.

”Because you would’ve been annoying about it!”

”I wanted it to be over, too!”

Jinsol can’t stand listening to them yell at each other anymore, it irritates her even more now that she’s realized Sooyoung didn’t tell her the full truth, _again_, and she’s had enough of this, all she wants is to find Jungeun.__

_ _”Guys, we have to focus on Jungeun!”, she interrupts them, her voice almost raising to a scream, and immediately, Sooyoung turns to her and looks at her apologetically._ _

_ _”You’re right.”_ _

_ _Jiwoo nods, and then there’s silence as they all think about where she could possibly be._ _

_ _”We can’t be sure if she’s actually gone, though. Maybe she’s just chilling somewhere. We should wait before we do anything”, Sooyoung suggests, and the way she says it makes Jinsol think that she knows more, that she knows _where_ she could be chilling.___ _

_ _ _The statement only seems to enrage Jiwoo again, the girl gasping and practically shooting daggers at her with her eyes._ _ _

_ _ _”Wait? I think I’ve waited long enough. I know Jungeun, and I know that if she was just ‘chilling’, she would’ve said something because she never ignores me like this. Something must’ve happened.”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung doesn’t say anything, instead looks down at the floor, and she’s biting her bottom lip, clearly contemplating something._ _ _

_ _ _”Even if we try and look for her now, we don’t know where she could be”, she says, looking up again, and it’s like she’s talking to the wall and not them, because she’s avoiding eye contact like her life is depending on it._ _ _

_ _ _There’s something about the way she’s suddenly distancing herself that’s sort of suspicious, and it makes Jinsol believe she really does know something._ _ _

_ _ _The other girl is still looking at the wall, but when she notices her staring at her from the side she snaps out of it and speaks up again._ _ _

_ _ _”So, what now?”_ _ _

_ _ _”Maybe she’s drinking again”, Jiwoo mutters, her voice dark, and Jinsol shivers at the thought of Jungeun sitting in some dodgy bar downing shot after shot in the middle of the day._ _ _

_ _ _”But where?”, she asks, wracking her brain trying to remember if the girl ever dropped any names in one of their conversations._ _ _

_ _ _Jiwoo and Sooyoung look at each other for a second, before simultaneously answering._ _ _

_ _ _”Red Moon.”_ _ _

* * *

_ _ _The Red Moon is a modern club right at the heart of the city, with a big red neon sign reading the name above the entrance, and even from outside you can hear the loud music that’s playing inside._ _ _

Jinsol is surprised it’s already open at this time of the day, and it’s not even 2pm, yet there’s still a bunch of people flocking in and out of the building, and she imagines how packed this place must be at night.

”This is her favorite place to drink at”, Jiwoo explains when they’re standing in front of it, and she can see why. It’s the perfect place for someone like Jungeun.

”I haven’t been in here in a while”, Sooyoung comments, already walking towards the entrance, and the two other girls follow suit, the bouncer opening the door for them with a short nod.

Inside it’s a lot bigger than it may appear on the outside, the dimly lit entry area filled with a heap of black round tables accompanied by miniature couch seats made out of black leather, and a few people are sitting at them, happily chatting as they sip on their afternoon drinks. There’s a modern bar whose counter is glowing, and further back Jinsol can see the empty dance floor, and she pictures Jungeun dancing on there, smile bright and eyes shining.

The music isn’t loud enough for it to make their whole bodies vibrate, make them feel the beat of the song, but it’s loud enough for them to be forced to raise their voices when talking to each other.

”I don’t see her anywhere”, Sooyoung says, squinting like Jungeun is some sort of dwarf she just hasn’t spotted yet, and Jinsol looks around, double checks every table, but there’s no Jungeun anywhere.

”Maybe she was here and left?”, Jiwoo wonders, furrowing her eyebrows, and then she makes her way over to the bar where a young man is busy cleaning glasses, the other two quickly following her.

”Excuse me”, the girl starts, pulling out her phone and finding a picture of Jungeun, then holding it up to his face. “Have you seen this girl here today?”

He stares at the picture for a few seconds before shaking his head with a “No, sorry”, and Jiwoo thanks him before turning around and walking towards the exit, Jinsol and Sooyoung by her side.

Back in the car she has her head leaned against the steering wheel in exasperation, and neither Jinsol nor Sooyoung dare say something, so for a while the three of them just sit there in silence with no idea what to do next.

Once more the blonde tries to remember if Jungeun had said something suspicious, if maybe she’d hinted at something, but she draws a blank.

When she turns on her phone to check their text messages, she sees that it’s already past 2pm which means she’s going to miss her classes, but it’s not like she cares when Jungeun is missing. She thoroughly goes through their chat, and usually she’s more than happy to talk to the girl about literally anything and everything, but now she wishes they’d discussed more...substantial stuff every once in a while so maybe she could get _something_ useful out of reading these texts.__

_ _She looks in the side-view mirror to see Sooyoung staring out of the window absentmindedly, and she still can’t shake the thought that she might know something more, something that could help them find Jungeun, and if she does, she really wonders why on earth she’d keep it from them._ _

_ _Now she’s nervously tapping her fingers against her leg, looking at the other two every few seconds, and when their eyes meet, Jinsol is almost sure there’s something she’s not telling them, and she’s sick of this girl never giving anyone the full truth, or even half of it._ _

_ _”Sooyoung?”, she asks, her suspicion somehow already evident in that one word, “If you had to guess, where do you think Jungeun could be?”_ _

_ _It’s a simple question, absolutely normal for a situation like this, but Jinsol knows Sooyoung can hear the implication, knows she’s onto her._ _

_ _”I...I honestly don’t know”, she answers, hesitantly, looking back at her through the mirror with narrowed eyes, as if to gauge whether she’s seeing through her or not._ _

_ _”Really?”_ _

_ _”Yeah.”_ _

_ _There’s silence for a moment, and then Jiwoo lifts her head up, one eyebrow raised as she looks back and forth between the other two girls._ _

_ _”What-“, she starts, but before she can even utter her question Jinsol cuts her off._ _

_ _”I think there’s something Sooyoung isn’t telling us.”_ _

_ _Jiwoo’s mouth falls open and she frowns at said girl, who just rolls her eyes in response._ _

_ _”What could I possibly not be telling you? You’re ridiculous”, she states, trying to sound unbothered, but Jinsol can see that she’s getting uncomfortable, so she presses on._ _

_ _”Maybe where Jungeun is.”_ _

_ _”She knows where she is?”, Jiwoo says in disbelief, looking at Sooyoung with wide eyes._ _

_ _”I don’t”, she replies quickly, maybe a little too quickly, and Jinsol just doesn’t buy it, something tells her she has a hunch at least._ _

_ _”Then why are you acting all secretive?”, she wants to know, scrutinising the girl from her place in the passenger seat._ _

_ _”I’m acting all secretive? I’m just sitting in this fucking car!”_ _

_ _”Sooyoung, if you know something you better tell us or–“_ _

_ _”Or what?”_ _

_ _”Oh, so you do know something!”_ _

_ _”I never said that!”_ _

_ _Jinsol sighs. Jiwoo and Sooyoung really can’t talk to each other without bordering a fight anymore, and the fact that they were still hooking up with each other only a few weeks ago seems unreal to her now._ _

_ _”Okay, listen. Sooyoung, if you know something you _have_ to say it, alright? We need to find Jungeun”, she interrupts before the two start a fight in the car, because she really doesn’t need that right now.___ _

_ _ _”I already told you guys, I don’t know anything”, she repeats stubbornly, and Jinsol wants to scream because she’s sure she does, but for whatever reason she’s deciding not to tell them and it’s _frustrating_.___ _ _

_ _ _She sighs once more, rubbing her eyes, and Jiwoo is still staring at Sooyoung like she wants to kick her out of the car, but she remains silent, and now they’re right back where they were five minutes ago._ _ _

_ _ _They decide to visit some more bars and clubs Jungeun really likes in hopes of finding her sitting at one of the tables drinking a Vodka Soda, but to no avail._ _ _

_ _ _All of them grow increasingly worried as they walk out of each bar, and both Jiwoo and Jinsol don’t stop texting her, begging her to tell them she’s alright, but the answer never comes, and so when they’re sitting in the car once again, things get serious._ _ _

_ _ _”We should call the police”, Jiwoo suggests, her voice the most grave it’s ever been, and it’s silent as Jinsol and Sooyoung mull over the idea._ _ _

_ _ _Maybe they should. Maybe something really bad happened, and (God forbid) Jungeun’s tied up in someone’s basement right now, or running around aimlessly in some forest, or passed out on the side of the road in some other city, and all they’re doing is running in and out of bars._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol shivers at the thought of something like that happening to the girl, and she quickly says a prayer, though she can barely focus on it with all the terrible thoughts that are on her mind right now._ _ _

_ _ _”Yeah. I think we should”, she finally mumbles, and Sooyoung, who’d been silently staring out of the window (again), now looks up with wide eyes for a second before catching herself and gulping._ _ _

_ _ _”That’s doing too much.”_ _ _

_ _ _”Too much? She’s been gone for more than twenty-four hours, that’s what we’re _supposed_ to do.”___ _ _

_ _ _Jiwoo’s furious, and she’s yelling at her, and Jinsol internally braces herself for yet another argument she has to stop, but it never comes because Sooyoung goes quiet again._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol catches her eye in the side-view mirror, and she sees hesitation, a silent demonstration of what she knows, what she’s not telling them even though she should, and she knows that the girl is starting to realize that she might just have to speak now._ _ _

_ _ _Jiwoo pulls out her phone, and she watches her type in the three numbers, looks at Sooyoung through the mirror once more, can practically see her guard crumble right there, and then the girl reaches out and lightly touches Jiwoo’s shoulder._ _ _

_ _ _”Wait”, she lets out, and Jiwoo turns around to face her with an annoyed look, already opening her mouth to say something, but then Sooyoung continues._ _ _

_ _ _”I know where she could be.”_ _ _

* * *

_ _ _The apartment is on the fourth floor, so they decide to take the elevator instead of the stairs so they can get up there faster, and inside it’s all black marble with gold embellishments, and you can tell just from this elevator alone that the whole complex is expensive and new. Jinsol isn’t surprised Jungeun’s father owns an apartment here seeing as he’s a businessman, she’s just surprised Jungeun never mentioned it._ _ _

Neither her nor Jiwoo had even known of its existence, and when Sooyoung had told them about how Jungeun has a spare key and how they would sometimes come here to drink and get high, the two had looked at her with wide eyes and raised eyebrows.

It was then that Jinsol had realized how close the two must’ve been if Jungeun never even told Jiwoo, her best friend since middle school about it, and it had only made her wonder even more what could’ve possibly been divisive enough to ruin a friendship like that.

Sooyoung had told them that Jungeun would go there on her own, too, usually when she needed some time to herself, when she was skipping classes or just needed a break from the city. She’d said that that had been the reason why she didn’t want to tell them at first, because she might just be needing some space, and though Jinsol had been understanding it had gotten Jiwoo angry again.

”Since when do you care about what she needs?”, she’d asked bitterly, and it would’ve sparked another fight between them if not for Jinsol bringing the fact that they still hadn’t left the parking lot to their attention.

The apartment is half an hour away, on the outskirts of a small town, and apparently Jungeun’s dad uses it whenever he’s visiting business partners or doing business there, and he doesn’t even technically let her use it, “only in emergencies”, but of course Jungeun does it anyway.

It only takes them a few seconds till they’re on the fourth floor, and when they step out, there’s several doors to both of their sides, and Jinsol takes a second to admire the whole hallway, made out of black marble just like the inside of the elevator, and there’s the faint smell of roses and expensive perfume in the air that makes her feel like she’s in some super chic hotel.

Sooyoung leads them to one of the doors and they all look at each other for a second before she nods and promptly rings the doorbell.

For a few seconds the only sound they can make out is that of the elevator going back down, and Jinsol immediately panics as she thinks about the possibility of Jungeun not being there.

Sooyoung nervously crosses her arms in front of her chest and Jiwoo bites her bottom lip, staring at the door like if she just does it hard enough it will open.

Then, just as they’re about to step away, disheartened and even more worried, the door opens just a few inches, just enough so they can spot Jungeun’s silver hair and her brown eyes, and for the shortest of moments they flit towards Jinsol’s.

She opens her mouth, wanting to say something, anything, but then the door is slammed in their faces, and all they can do is stand there, perplexed.

”Jungie”, Jiwoo immediately whines loudly, her voice echoing off the walls, proceeding to pound on the door over and over again. “Open up!”

”Jungeun?”, Jinsol utters, taking a step forward to lean against the door.

While the two of them repeatedly call out to her, Sooyoung stands uncomfortably behind them, arms still crossed, waiting to see if she will react at all.

And she does, though it takes a good minute of Jiwoo and Jinsol practically chanting her name she opens the door, a little wider than the first time, but still not wide enough for them to be able to step inside.

”What the fuck do you want?”, she questions, her voice hostile but tired, and Jinsol can make out dark circles under her bloodshot eyes, and if she focuses hard enough, maybe she can even smell a little alcohol on her.

”Jungie, why did you just disappear? We were so worried, I thought-“, Jiwoo speaks, but she can’t seem to finish her sentence, the horrors of what she imagined could’ve happened to her too terrible to share.

”Well, I’m fine. You can all go now”, Jungeun responds matter-of-factly, her voice still cold, and then she looks at Sooyoung, and they stare at each other, hard.

It’s like with that single look, she’s silently accusing her, calling her a traitor.

_You told them. You were the only one who knew and you told them, and now you’re all here.___

_ _When it all gets too tense Jinsol clears her throat, and she steps forward only a little, afraid of having the silver-haired girl close the door again if she gets too close._ _

_ _”Jungeun, why didn’t you reply to any of our messages?”_ _

_ _For a second her face softens, if only the slightest bit, and the blonde tries hard to look her in the eyes, figure out what it is she sees in them. Hurt? Anger? Sadness?_ _

_ _But Jungeun looks away, stares at the wall behind her when she says: “I wanna be alone. Now get the fuck out of here.”_ _

_ _That last demand is directed at all of them, she knows that, but still, the words sting just like if she’d said them to her and her only, and she slowly steps away again, finding herself gravitating towards Sooyoung for some reason._ _

_ _Sooyoung, who showed them this place, who found Jungeun all on her own. Sooyoung, who used to come here with her and get wasted and have fun. Sooyoung, who hasn’t said a single word yet because the two of them just don’t do that anymore._ _

_ _”But, Jungie, we can’t leave you alone here. What are you even doing in there, huh?”, Jiwoo tries again, her voice desperate and her expression still just as worried as it was back in the car when she was about to call the police._ _

_ _”None of your business.”_ _

_ _The girl opens her mouth like she’s about to protest, but she can’t seem to find a response, so she just stares at her, dumbfounded._ _

_ _But then, it’s like she catches herself again, her expression turning stern as she crosses her arms in front of her chest._ _

_ _”Yes, it is. Especially when you just disappear like this. If you’re drinking or doing drugs, I swear to God-“_ _

_ _”Then what? What are you gonna do, huh? Stop me?”, Jungeun cuts her off harshly, and there’s an anger in her eyes that scares Jinsol._ _

_ _Jiwoo, however, is equally as angry now, almost yelling when she says: ”Oh, so you are? Jungeun, you fucking-“_ _

_ _And the door slams shut._ _

_ _Jiwoo blinks a few times, like she just woke up from a trance and Jinsol looks down at the ground, somehow having sensed the whole thing was going to result in this. Sooyoung is already stepping towards the elevator, and it’s only now that she realizes how badly she must’ve wanted to get out of here ever since the door had first opened, and she’s giving her this look that says: “That’s Jungeun for you.”_ _

_ _Jiwoo yells at the door a few more times, telling Jungeun that she will “beat her ass” when she sees her again, and that she’ll tell her dad she’s using the apartment if she has to, but none of it elicits a reaction from the girl inside._ _

_ _If Jinsol hadn’t already accepted that she just doesn’t want to talk, maybe she would’ve done the same thing. Or maybe not exactly the same, because maybe Jiwoo is a little too aggressive, but she would’ve at least ringed the doorbell a few times and begged her to open up. _ _

_ _They leave after another five minutes of Jiwoo angrily screaming before she kicks the door in one final protest and then begrudgingly walks to the elevator that Sooyoung and Jinsol have been waiting in front of, watching her lose it, and when she’s standing next to her the blonde pats her back lightly._ _

_ _”At least we know she’s alright.”_ _

* * *

_ _The ride back to campus is silent, and none of them seem to want to talk about what happened, too absorbed in their own thoughts and worries._ _

Jinsol can’t stop thinking about how much Jungeun had despised the fact that they’d found her, and she still remembers that accusing look she’d given them, like they’d done something wrong by showing up at that apartment.

Had they? Maybe they’d overstepped. After all, all she had wanted was to be alone for a little, and that’s perfectly fine (even though slightly worrying knowing her), and maybe they should’ve given her some more time to contact them.

But what if something had actually happened and they hadn’t done anything so as not to bother her? What if she’d been desperately hoping for them to search for her and they’d just told themselves to give her some time?

Jinsol decides that they did the right thing, and if Jungeun hadn’t wanted them there she should’ve told them she’s okay, but she didn’t. Did she maybe do that on purpose, trying to get them to find her? Was that a cry for help, or did she want attention or…?

She sighs as she realizes she’s asking herself too many questions she doesn’t have the answers to yet again, and she rests her head against the window, exhausted from their search mission.

”We’re going back there tomorrow”, Jiwoo says absentmindedly, eyes focused on the road, and Jinsol hums in agreement.

She doesn’t care that Jungeun doesn’t want to see any them and probably won’t let them in, she needs to check up on her, and she’ll show up at her goddamn door every day if she has to.

Through the side-view mirror, she throws Sooyoung a look, and even though she knows the answer she’s silently asking if she’s coming, too, and the other girl hesitantly glances in Jiwoo’s direction, probably contemplating if she would be okay with it.

She probably wouldn’t like it, Jungeun probably wouldn’t like it, and they both know it. When she meets Jinsol’s eyes again she shakes her head slightly, and she can see that a part of her would like to come, would like to visit that place, _their_ place again, but she knows it wouldn’t be a good idea.__

_ _Back on campus they say their goodbyes, which in Sooyoung and Jiwoo’s case means glancing at each other awkwardly, and then they all go back to their dorms in silence, minds still clouded with the events of the day, and Jinsol still can’t let go of that look in Jungeun’s eyes._ _

* * *

_ _The next day she’s standing in front of that door again, Jiwoo by her side, and they’re patiently waiting for Jungeun to open, having rung the doorbell more than a minute ago._ _

Jiwoo sighs and presses the button again, holding way longer this time, and she gives Jinsol a mischievous smile as she does so.

Her little trick works, because mere seconds later the door swings open and a very annoyed Jungeun is standing in front of them, wearing black sweatpants and a white tank top that barely covers her toned stomach.

”Seriously?”, she asks, frowning, but Jiwoo just grins at her brightly, holding out the gift basket she’d gotten just for this occasion.

”Trust me, she loves these. She’ll let us in immediately”, she’d told Jinsol with a wink when she’d asked her about the huge thing in the backseat as she’d stepped into her car.

And it seems like Jiwoo was right, because Jungeun’s eyes immediately dart towards the basket, and Jinsol can't help but smile at the fact that she just learned the girl is a fan of gift baskets out of all things.

”Are you trying to bribe me?”, she wants to know, quirking an eyebrow, and the two girls just giggle. Jungeun reaches out to take the gift basket, but her roommate quickly pulls it away.

”Nope. You’re getting this inside.”

For a moment she just stares at them, contemplating whether it’s worth it, but then she sighs and steps to the side to allow them to walk past her into the apartment.

Jiwoo smiles at her triumphantly as she does so while Jinsol just gives her a shy smile, and then Jungeun closes the door and grabs the basket, walking through the hallway whose shiny marble tiles and paintings hanging on the wall she barely has time to admire as they follow her into the living room.

She sets it down on a wide coffee table made out of dark brown wood and then lets herself fall onto a modern black leather couch.

Jiwoo sits down right next to her, cuddling impossibly close to her on purpose which makes Jungeun roll her eyes and push her away, whereas Jinsol occupies the wing chair next to the couch, and it’s so huge it practically swallows her, making her feel like a small child sitting in its grandfather’s chair.

There’s more abstract paintings on every wall except for the one in front of them, because that one is already almost completely covered by a white flat-screen TV bigger than any TV she’s ever seen.

There’s a few plants standing around, too, and in the back of the room she spots a big black piano, and she imagines Jungeun playing on it, her slender fingers flying across the keys.

Both her and Jiwoo continue looking around the room, barely able to take everything in, but out of every impressive and modern object she sees, the framed pictures of Jungeun as a kid hanging over the piano are her favorite.

One of them shows her on a swing wearing a pink dress and smiling, the sun making her then black hair shine, and she looks as happy as a child could be. The other one is a picture of her sitting on a grey sofa with a man she assumes is her father, holding a small blue hairbrush up like it’s the most precious thing in the world.

Jungeun catches her looking at them, and when Jinsol gives her a smile she blushes before clearing her throat and directing her attention back to the gift basket next to her.

”Nice place”, Jiwoo comments after having admired the living room enough, and Jungeun just shrugs.

”Yeah, it’s pretty cool.”

They don’t say anything else, and Jinsol watches the silver-haired girl take a small box of chocolates out of the gift basket, opening it to take one and then place it on the table. Jiwoo immediately leans forward and takes two while Jinsol grabs one as well, and they’re still quiet as they eat them.

Jungeun looks back and forth between the two of them for a few seconds before finally deciding to speak up.

“What are you even doing here?”

Jinsol glances at Jiwoo, who gives her a look as if to say that Jungeun is being ridiculous before answering: “Tsk. We came to check up on you, dummy.”

She sounds so much cheerier, so much more like Jiwoo compared to yesterday, and it’s like they’re just visiting a good friend and the fact they’d almost called the police looking for her yesterday is completely forgotten now.

”And as you see I’m doing great”, the girl gives back, leaning forward to grab another piece of chocolate, putting it into her mouth and crossing her arms defensively.

”Then you wouldn’t be here”, Jiwoo states matter-of-factly, helping herself to some more chocolate as well.

”I just need some time for myself.”

”And why?”

Jungeun doesn’t respond, instead leans down to grab the bottle of water that’s standing next to the couch, and Jinsol frowns when she spots a few empty alcohol bottles there. Something’s definitely up.

She meets the other girl’s eyes and raises her eyebrows, tilting her head towards where the bottles are, but she just shrugs in response like it’s normal.

”Jungeun, did something happen?”, the blonde asks her now, carefully, like you would approach a scared puppy you’re trying to pet, and all she gets is an annoyed eye roll and a sigh.

”Of course not. Can you guys stop being so dramatic? I’m just taking a break.”

Jiwoo and Jinsol exchange looks, both of them clearly convinced there’s something wrong, but Jungeun doesn’t notice as she fishes another piece of candy out of the box.

”Come on, you know you can tell us”, Jiwoo tries now, her voice gentle, an expectant look on her face, but all she gets is a scoff.

”There’s nothing wrong. Now are you done checking up on me?”

She’s had enough of their questions now, getting up the next moment and waiting for them to do the same, clearly so she can see them off.

”Jungeun…”, Jinsol starts, not really knowing what to say to get her to sit back down, and when the girl glares at her she doesn’t think she can, because it’s intimidating and just so final. For Jungeun, this conversation is over.

”You guys need to go now.”

”No.”

Jiwoo is sitting there with her arms crossed in front of her chest, giving her a defiant look. She’s not willing to leave anytime soon, not before she tells them what’s wrong.

Jinsol is torn. Does she get up like Jungeun wants her to or stay right where she is like Jiwoo? She’s getting increasingly nervous as she looks between the two of them, feeling an argument looming, and she really doesn’t think she could handle that again.

”I don’t have anything to tell you. Now go”, Jungeun says sternly, her face blank as she stares back at her best friend, neither of them breaking eye contact.

”Yes, you do. You’re hiding away in this apartment so something must have happened”, Jiwoo concludes, determined to stay until she’s found out what the girl’s problem is.

”Nothing fucking happened! Why can’t I just be here because I feel like it?”

She’s getting loud now, and Jinsol’s heart is beating, and she really wants to get up and drag Jiwoo with her so they can leave before this whole thing escalates.

”Because there’s always something going on with you! You drink, you skip classes, you just run away...What is it, huh? What happened this time?”

Jiwoo’s voice is sharp and even louder than Jungeun’s, and Jinsol knows she’s not the only one who feels that those words kind of sting, that maybe they’re a little too harsh. She glances at Jungeun, whose face falls just a little, barely noticeable..

”It doesn’t matter anyway”, she says with a bitter laugh.

”Yes, it does”, Jiwoo counters, her voice a lot softer now.

The blank look on Jungeun’s face vanishes and is replaced by an exhausted one, and when she moves past Jinsol to go sit back down on the couch, she grabs her arm lightly, making her look down and meet her eyes.

They’re tired, and all she can do is give her her most reassuring smile, hoping she’ll finally tell them what’s going on, why she’s here, and Jungeun smiles back slightly before plopping down on the couch next to Jiwoo.

It’s silent as the two wait for her to speak, and you can tell she’s contemplating whether she should share what happened with them, mulling over what she should say.

When she does say something, it’s only one sentence.

“I’m probably gonna get suspended.”


	10. Enemy Help

“Guess I gotta actually start attending classes now, huh?”

Jungeun is giggling, and Jinsol can’t tell whether it’s because she actually finds this funny or if it’s self-preservation, an alternative to breaking out in tears.

Because now she looks a lot like she’s about to do just that, her expression faltering and her eyelids drooping as she focuses her gaze on the box of chocolates on the coffee table in front of her.

Neither her nor Jiwoo know what to say now, the redhead hesitantly reaching out to pat her back ever so slowly, as if she’s afraid Jungeun might break under her touch.

”If my dad finds out about this…”, she starts, her voice wavering, and Jinsol thinks she can almost feel the pressure and fear radiating off of her, the prospect of her father realizing his daughter is failing at the one thing he actually wants from her crushing her.

”But you’re not suspended yet, right? If you make up for everything you missed you’ll be fine”, Jiwoo suggests, sounding overly optimistic, but Jungeun just shakes her head.

”I’ve missed way too many classes. I’ll never manage to catch up in time.”

She sighs, putting her head in her hands, and it pains Jinsol to see Jungeun who’s usually so cool and unbothered in a state like this, so dejected and helpless, and if there was anything she could do she’d do it without hesitation.

But they all know that she’s alone in this, and that’s what makes it so frustrating, the fact that no one can do anything about it, seemingly not even Jungeun herself, and is she really just going to get suspended now?

Jinsol doesn’t even want to imagine that, the thought of the girl having to leave too frightening, and even though she understands her, a part of her wants to scream at her for even letting it come to this.

”You could ask one of your friends to help you catch up on stuff?”, Jiwoo offers, and how she still has hope beats her, but then again, that’s just Jiwoo.

”Please, my friends are barely passing their classes, they don’t have the time to study with me”, Jungeun gives back, looking up at the girl next to her with a tired expression.

A thought crosses her mind, an almost downright absurd one, and she tries to forget it immediately because she knows it’s never happening.

But it won’t leave her brain as she listens to Jiwoo endlessly list more solutions and Jungeun dismiss all of them, because it could actually _work_, because it could be Jungeun’s only chance at getting out of this, and she’d regret not putting it out there, not bringing it up at least once.__

_ _”What if…”, she speaks up hesitantly, all the attention on her now, and she feels like she can barely continue with Jungeun’s hopeful eyes on her._ _

_ _”What if you...ask, uhm...Sooyoung?”, she finally finishes the thought, the last word sounding like she’d just said something forbidden, like Sooyoung is their very own Voldemort and she should never, ever speak of her in Jungeun and Jiwoo’s presence._ _

_ _The two girls blankly stare at her, neither of them saying a word, and she’s almost completely sure she just made a big mistake and is about to get kicked out for even thinking such thoughts._ _

_ _As they continue to remain silent she realizes that she’s stupid for even considering the possibility of Jungeun actually agreeing to this, that she could be on the verge of getting suspended a hundred times and she would never once let Sooyoung be her rescue._ _

_ _”Are you insane?”, Jiwoo lets out now, frowning and giving her the most disbelieving look, and Jinsol shifts uncomfortably under her gaze._ _

_ _”Jungeun would never–Sooyoung would never–“, she tries to put the absolute madness of what Jinsol had just suggested into words, gesticulating wildly, and the blonde is feeling worse and worse with each second that passes._ _

_ _”I’m sorry, okay? It was just an idea”, she apologizes, holding up her hands in defense, and Jiwoo crosses her arms at that._ _

_ _”A terrible idea”, she responds with a glare._ _

_ _”Maybe not.”_ _

_ _They both turn to Jungeun, who’s been quiet this whole time, and their eyes go wide in shock. She actually wants to ask Sooyoung for help?_ _

_ _”What?!”, Jiwoo yelps, her eyes popping out of her head, and Jinsol’s mouth is standing open because did she really just say that?_ _

_ _”Y-You mean–“, the blonde stutters, unable to continue the sentence, and Jungeun just gives her a short nod._ _

_ _”I know it’s not a safe bet, but she’s the best in my class, so the least I can do is ask.”_ _

_ _The other two girls are still staring at her like little kids finding out Santa Claus isn’t real, and she rolls her eyes at them._ _

_ _”I’m desperate, okay?”_ _

_ _Jiwoo slowly leans further back into the cushions, and she’s staring at the coffee table hard for a moment, like she’s contemplating something. “But what will you do if she says no?”, she asks, looking at Jungeun with raised eyebrows before adding: “Which she will, by the way.”_ _

_ _Jungeun shrugs nonchalantly, her gaze trained on her hands in her lap._ _

_ _”Then I’m fucked.”_ _

* * *

_ _Jiwoo wants to leave half an hour later because she’s still got classes, but when her and Jinsol get up Jungeun stays seated, looking up at the blonde with an unreadable expression._ _

Jiwoo has her arms outstretched, waiting for her friend to get up and hug her goodbye, but she doesn’t, instead she keeps staring at Jinsol with that weird look in her eyes, and she tries hard not to break eye contact as she looks back at her questioningly.

”Jungeun?”

The redhead is still waiting, and her eyes follow her gaze towards Jinsol, furrowing her eyebrows and tilting her head as she tries to figure out why they’re having a staring battle.

And she’s not the only one, because Jinsol doesn’t know why Jungeun is looking at her like that either, and she clears her throat awkwardly in an attempt to get her to say something.

”Stay.”

The demand is clearly directed at Jinsol, the girl still staring at her, and she gulps. She wants her to stay? She still has some work to do for one of her classes, but with the way she’s looking at her how could she say no?

”I-I...uhm, sure”, she mutters, giving her a shy smile, and now Jungeun’s finally smiling back, a warm grin appearing on her lips.

”Well, alright. I’m leaving”, Jiwoo loudly interrupts their moment, already marching towards the hallway, but then her roommate finally gets up and stops her, lightly grabbing her arm.

She turns around and they stare at each other for a moment before Jungeun pulls her close and hugs her tight, and Jinsol can see the soft smile on Jiwoo’s face as she hugs her back just as tight, and for a while they just stand there like this, and the blonde can’t help a smile of her own spreading across her face as she watches them.

”Thank you for coming here”, Jungeun says to her, her hands on her shoulders.

”Of course, Jungie.”

When she’s gone they fall onto the couch together, and after a moment of complete silence the silver-haired girl leans down and grabs one of the alcohol bottles next to the couch that aren’t empty, holding it out to Jinsol with a wink.

She doesn’t know whether drinking with her right now is a good idea, whether she’s using this to cope again, because if she is there is no way she’s taking part in any of that, and so she doesn’t take the bottle, just stares at it instead.

It seems like the girl can sense her hesitation, because she softly nudges her before speaking.

“Come on, it’s just some wine. It’s almost empty anyway.”

Jinsol can’t help but think about her sitting on this sofa drinking most of it on her own, and so that statement doesn’t exactly help, but she examines the bottle, and really, there’s barely any wine left – it’s one glass at most – so she figures it’s okay, and she doesn’t want to annoy Jungeun so she takes the bottle in her hands.

After a small sip she hands it back to the other girl, who after drinking a little herself, shifts so her whole body is facing Jinsol and gives her one of her looks again, and she’s starting to wonder why she’d wanted her to stay.

”Did you just want me to stay so you’d have someone to drink with?”, she asks jokingly, raising an eyebrow.

”Maybe I’m just lonely”, she gives back, her voice teasing, and Jinsol giggles.

”Then I guess I’ll have to keep you company”, she answers with a smile, her voice slightly lower than usual.

They just look at each other after that, both still smiling, and it’s a nice feeling, just sitting there and sharing some wine in the most expensive apartment she’s ever been in.

Jungeun hands her the bottle, and she takes a sip before giving it back to her, and that whole thing goes on for a while until they’ve emptied it and Jinsol agrees to open another one after much hesitation and coaxing from Jungeun’s side.

”So, when are you gonna ask Sooyoung for help?”, the blonde asks, taking a big swig and leaning back a little.

The other girl grimaces, grabbing the bottle from her and drinking before sighing and looking down at her lap.

”I don’t know, I...I kinda really don’t want to, you know?”

She nods, and even though she still has no idea what happened between them she understands, and she nudges her softly before speaking.

”Hey, I can ask for you, maybe that’d be better?”

”You’d do that?”, she asks, looking up at her with big eyes.

”Of course.”

She’s silent after that, turning the bottle in her hands, appearing to be thinking about something, and Jinsol just watches her, watches the way her eyebrows furrow and her fingers wrap around the bottle tighter.

”God, I hope she says yes.”

Jinsol hopes so, too. God, does she hope so, because if she doesn’t there might be no other way for Jungeun and she might have to leave college, leave _her_, and she doesn’t even want to imagine that happening.__

_ _”She’s kinda my last hope”, Jungeun mumbles, voicing her exact thoughts, and Jinsol places a hand on her knee, giving her the best reassuring smile she can muster._ _

_ _”She will”, she says confidently, even though on the inside she’s anything other than confident, and she can only pray Sooyoung shows some empathy and says yes even though it’s Jungeun, because she really, really doesn’t want her to leave._ _

* * *

_ _”Sometimes I think he only wanted a child so it can follow in his footsteps”, Jungeun says an hour and another bottle later when they’re talking about her dad and business and pressure and expectations, her voice groggy and her eyes blank as she stares down at the coffee table, somewhere far, far away, lost in her own thoughts._ _

Jinsol watches her absentmindedly take another sip through slightly tired eyes and tries to come up with something comforting to say because that statement is so, so sad and she refuses to believe it’s true, refuses to even imagine someone not appreciating Jungeun for who she is rather than what she can do.

”That can’t be true”, she gives back, taking the bottle and drinking, and out of the corner of her eye she can see Jungeun turn towards her, and as soon as she’s put down the bottle the girl grabs it and takes a big gulp.

Jinsol knows that if they continue like this, they’ll be drunk soon enough, she can already feel the alcohol getting to her, and she knows Jungeun can, too, so she grabs the bottle back and sets it down on the floor.

The other girl stares at her with narrowed eyes for a second, silently telling her she’s a buzzkill, but Jinsol just shrugs. She can live with that if it means she can keep her from overdoing it again.

”I think he only loves me if I am who he wants me to be. He loves future businesswoman Jungeun”, she says, leaning her head back and looking up at the ceiling. “He doesn’t love _Jungeun_ Jungeun.”__

_ _Jinsol looks at her from the side, and here she is, this girl that thinks her own father doesn’t love her, this girl that can’t be who she wants to be, and she wants to help her so, so bad._ _

_ _”He’s your father. Of course he loves you”, she says sternly, because she just can’t believe he wouldn’t, and she shifts so she’s closer to her, leans her head back and looks up at the ceiling, too._ _

_ _”Not all parents love their children.”_ _

_ _She turns to look at her unbelievingly. The thought of Jungeun genuinely believing she’s not good enough for her dad to love her pains her, and she wishes more than anything else she could convince her of the opposite, because even though she doesn’t know him, to her there is just no way he couldn’t love Jungeun._ _

_ _He struggles to show it by the looks of it, sure, but it’s impossible for him to have a daughter like that and not love her. She wishes she would see that, she wishes she could make her see that, but she knows all too well how hard it can be to accept that sometimes, your parents treat you like shit even though they love you._ _

_ _She remembers how hard it had been for her to do that when her dad had left them all those years ago, when he’d just gotten up one day and disappeared without saying goodbye, the constant fights with her mother too much for him to handle any longer. She remembers how she’d blamed herself, and how she’d thought that maybe if she’d just been good enough of a child he would’ve loved her enough to stay._ _

_ _It had taken her years, but eventually she’d accepted that he’d had other reasons, reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with her, and she’d finally found peace. She wants nothing more than for Jungeun to find that peace, to realize that nothing’s her fault._ _

_ _She reaches out to carefully take her hand in hers, and Jungeun doesn’t look at her, instead directs her gaze down towards their interlocked fingers, and for a moment she just stares at them without saying anything. Then she rests her head on Jinsol’s shoulder, and they sit there in silence, watching the ceiling like it’s TV, and neither of them talk._ _

_ _”What is your family like?”, Jungeun asks after a while, eyes still not leaving the ceiling, and she’s clearly just saying whatever’s on her mind, but Jinsol gulps because it’s hard to answer that._ _

_ _Her dad is gone, her mom is a shell of who she used to be after everything that happened, lying in bed all day long except for when she’s at work, and her brother…_ _

_ _She opens her mouth, wants to say that they’re average, like any other family, but then Jungeun faces her, and she meets her eyes, those deep, somber eyes, and she doesn’t have the heart to lie to her, not when she’s told her all those things, not when she’s confided in her like that._ _

_ _”They’re a mess”, she says, turning back to look at the ceiling, sighing. “My dad left when I was nine, my mom doesn’t do anything other than lie around, and my brother, he...he’s–“_ _

_ _She pauses. She can’t say it, and now she realizes she’s never actually done it before, back home her mom had been the one to tell everyone, even her friends. She’s never said it out loud because she thinks she’ll die if she has to, because she can’t take it, and she feels the tears well up in her eyes even now just thinking about it._ _

_ _Jungeun turns her head, and when she notices, she lets go of her hand to caress her cheek instead, and when their eyes meet she gives her a soft smile._ _

_ _”You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to”, she says, her thumb stroking her cheek, and Jinsol leans into her touch, her eyes fluttering shut._ _

_ _She thinks that maybe she does. Maybe she has to say it out loud, maybe it’s part of the healing process she doesn’t really think is ever going to begin. Maybe it’s better than just acting like it never happened even though there’s nightmares haunting her almost every night that prove it’s real, it’s all real and she can’t escape it no matter how much she tries to. Maybe telling Jungeun will make it a little better, a little easier to carry the weight of it all, because she’s not carrying it around with her on her own._ _

_ _She trusts Jungeun. She knows she can tell her, she knows she won’t talk about it to anyone, she knows she’ll hold her and let her cry on her shoulder until she can’t anymore._ _

_ _”My brother...He–He’s dead.”_ _

_ _As soon as she utters the words the tears start falling, slowly at first, and Jungeun says nothing, just wipes them away as soon as they’re on her cheeks, and then when there’s too many of them she leans forward and wraps her in her arms, softly rocking her back and forth as she silently sobs into her shirt._ _

_ _They stay like that until Jinsol feels like she physically cannot cry anymore, and when Jungeun lets her go she hides her face in her hands because she’s sure she looks a mess and she doesn’t want her to see her like this, but the other girl carefully takes her hands in hers and holds them._ _

_ _”I’m sorry”, Jinsol mumbles, embarrassed she just spent a good fifteen minutes crying like a child, but Jungeun shakes her head._ _

_ _”Don’t be”, she says softly, holding her hands tighter, “Please don’t be.”_ _

_ _She looks up at her, and the way she’s looking back with so much sympathy and affection makes her want to tell her more, makes her want to talk on and on about how her brother used to be such a great person, how he just ended up trusting the wrong people, doing the wrong things because he didn’t see any other way to survive, but most of all she wants to talk about how much she fucking _misses_ him.___ _

_ _ _When they were children he used to be her hero, her best friend, and no matter what was going on at home the two of them would always stick together, and sometimes she thought he was the only one who was really there for her, who really cared about her._ _ _

_ _ _But she doesn’t have the strength to, knows that if she does tell her all of this she’ll start crying again, and so she just lets Jungeun wrap her in her arms again, and they sit there, cuddled up in the most expensive apartment she’s ever been in._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _She arrives back at the dorm in the evening, and she finds it empty, all the lights turned off and everything quiet save for the distinct sound of the chirping cicadas coming in through the open window._ _ _

She walks over and closes it, turns the lights on and lets herself fall onto her chair. She’s tired, and as nice as it had been talking to Jungeun, it had also been exhausting; she doesn’t think she’s cried this much in a while.

Sighing, she leans her head back and closes her eyes, thinking about all the work she didn't do and the hours of sleep she is going to lose trying to finish it tonight when the door opens.

She doesn’t turn her head, but out of the corner of her eye she can see that it’s Sooyoung, and the girl closes the door before proceeding to slump into her own chair, right opposite of her.

For a moment, neither of them say something, and Jinsol still has her eyes trained on the ceiling, but she can tell Sooyoung is staring at her.

”Jungeun’s got a nice little apartment, huh?”, she comments with a raised eyebrow, and still Jinsol doesn’t look at her when she answers.

”She does.”

Silence again. She can feel that clear disapproval in the air, that slight tension that tells her Sooyoung is kind of not so okay with her seeing the silver-haired girl, and it seems like the concern she showed for her that one day is long gone now that they’ve found her and they know where she is. She’s back to her old ways, her old Jungeun-hating ways, and Jinsol thinks that maybe now isn’t that good of a time to ask her for help.

”Where have you been, anyway?”, she asks nicely, turning to finally face her, and maybe if she directs the topic to something else it’ll be easier to ask, or at least she hopes so.

”I was with some friends”, comes the dry response, and Sooyoung is still looking at her all accusatory with her raised eyebrows and arms crossed in front of her chest.

The blonde wonders when she’s going to just accept she’s friends with both Jungeun and Jiwoo, and that acting this way every time she spends time with them won’t make her do it any less. She wonders when she will be mature enough to see that she can be friends with all of them.

When she meets Sooyoung’s eyes she realizes that there’s more to this tension than just her usual annoyance, there’s something else, something awkward, and she knows exactly what this is about.

They haven’t been alone together ever since the morning after Sooyoung had drunkenly stumbled into the dorm, after they’d let themselves go, and that morning they’d barely had the time for awkwardness because they were too concerned with Jungeun’s whereabouts to really think about anything else, but now there’s no missing Jungeun, no driving from bar to bar, now there’s just them all alone.

Jinsol looks away after a few seconds because she doesn’t think she can take any eye contact when her mind is running wild with images of Sooyoung. Sooyoung sitting on her lap, Sooyoung looking at her with so much desire, Sooyoung with her finger in her mouth. Sooyoung, Sooyoung, Sooyoung.

She’s staring at the floor now, and she can feel her roommate watching her, knows she’s about to say something when she clears her throat, but she’s not sure she wants to hear it because what if she says they should stop pretending it didn’t happen? Or worse, what if she calls it a mistake?

”Hey, Sooyoung”, she lets out before the other girl can say whatever it is she wanted to say, “Can I ask you for some help?”

When she looks up at her again, there’s surprise written all over her face, she hadn’t expected for her to suddenly ask something like that, but she still nods, gulping.

”So, you know I talked to Jungeun today…”

Sooyoung rolls her eyes at the mention of the name, and Jinsol hesitates before continuing, already anticipating how she is going to react to what she is about to say.

”She might get suspended, you know?”, she tries carefully, still not ready to ask what she actually wants to.

”That’s her own fault for never coming to class”, the other girl responds clinically while closely examining her always perfectly manicured nails.

”Maybe. But here’s the thing…”, she pauses, watching Sooyoung whose expression is still blank, and she’s afraid of her reaction, afraid of her rejection and what it will mean for Jungeun, but nevertheless she forces herself to continue.

”You could help her.”

The girl doesn’t say anything, just stares at her with a straight face, and the longer she looks at her like that the more Jinsol is convinced that this is _so_ not going to work.__

_ _But she promised Jungeun she’d ask at least, so she clears her throat and continues: “You know, you could help her study?”_ _

_ _She sounds way too insecure, but she’s too afraid of Sooyoung’s answer to try and seem nonchalant, so she gives her a nervous smile that isn’t reciprocated in the least._ _

_ _”You’re kidding, right?”, she says, her tone condescending, and she’s still sitting there with her arms crossed like she’s just waiting for Jinsol to give up and leave her alone._ _

_ _The blonde slowly shakes her head, and she can feel her cheeks starting to redden so she looks down at her feet, waiting for Sooyoung to say something else._ _

_ _”Absolutely not.”_ _

_ _It’s just two words, but they sound so final that she knows trying to convince her will be futile. She knows, but she still tries because she promised Jungeun she would, because she has to._ _

_ _”Sooyoung, please”, she whines, giving her a desperate look. “You’re the best student in that class, if anyone can help her catch up it’s you.”_ _

_ _She thinks that maybe if she compliments her, boosts her ego she will think about it, or stop looking at her with those scornful eyes at least._ _

_ _”And I don’t want to help her catch up”, she answers️, her voice cold, and Jinsol thinks she must really hate her if she’s willing to just let her get suspended like that. Either Jungeun _really_ hurt her or Sooyoung’s _really_ vindictive._____ _

_ _ _”Sooyoung, she’ll have to leave college”, she tries again, but the other girl just shrugs._ _ _

_ _ _”I’m aware.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol shakes her head, and this is even worse than she’d thought it would be, she’d thought Sooyoung would at least feel a little bad, but she seems like she couldn’t care less her ex-friend is going to get suspended without her help._ _ _

_ _ _”Please, we can’t just let that happen”, she begs, but Sooyoung doesn’t bat an eye, and she’s starting to get frustrated. How can this girl care so little?_ _ _

_ _ _Then she has an idea, and it might not be a genius one, but she’ll try anything to convince her to help._ _ _

_ _ _”She’ll pay you.”_ _ _

_ _ _She knows Jungeun never mentioned that, but she’s sure she would if that meant Sooyoung would help, so it doesn’t matter anyway._ _ _

_ _ _”I don’t need her money, nor do I want it.”_ _ _

_ _ _For a second it looks like she’s about to get up and walk away, and Jinsol is ready to jump forward and latch onto her, cling to her like a little child, but she just turns in her chair, grabbing her phone from the desk._ _ _

_ _ _Great. Now she’s not even willing to listen anymore._ _ _

_ _ _”Sooyoung, come on”, she mumbles, and she’s halfway given up, because there doesn’t seem to be a single part of this girl that actually still cares about Jungeun in the slightest, and the realization is painful._ _ _

_ _ _”What does it take for you to help her?”, she asks now, willing to do anything to get the girl to change her mind, and she takes the silence as a good thing because that must mean she’s contemplating it, right?_ _ _

_ _ _But whatever contemplating Sooyoung might have done doesn’t matter because her answer remains the same._ _ _

_ _ _”I’m not helping Jungeun. Now leave me alone”, she says with her back still turned towards Jinsol, and the blonde doesn’t know what to do now because she really can’t come up with anything else to say to her._ _ _

_ _ _This is it._ _ _

_ _ _She sighs and lets her head sink into her hands, closing her eyes as she wracks her brain trying to find any way to spin this around, but she knows there is none. Sooyoung was Jungeun’s last hope and now she’s done for. She’s going to get suspended._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol is tired, tired of not knowing what happened to make Sooyoung hate Jungeun this much, and she can feel the anger rise in her, and she wants to scream at the dark-haired girl to get over herself, to put her pride aside for once, but she doesn’t, instead she forces herself to stay calm when she speaks._ _ _

_ _ _”What even happened between you guys to make you hate Jungeun this much?”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung stops typing on her phone but she doesn’t turn around, it’s like she’s frozen, and Jinsol realizes that hit the spot, that she hadn’t expected her to ever ask that._ _ _

_ _ _She spins around slowly, and when she looks at her her face is blank, cold, and maybe she shouldn’t have asked after all because with those piercing eyes on her she’s a little afraid of what Sooyoung will do now._ _ _

_ _ _”That’s none of your business.”_ _ _

_ _ _Her voice has no emotion to it, sounding almost robotic, and she’s never heard her sound like this._ _ _

_ _ _And yeah, maybe she’s right about that, maybe there’s just way too many things she doesn’t know, doesn’t understand, but doesn’t she at least deserve some sort of explanation? Doesn’t she at least deserve to know why she’s going to lose Jungeun now?_ _ _

_ _ _”Sooyoung, I just wanna know why you can’t help her. Can’t you tell me why?”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung blinks, then she frowns, and she stares at her long and hard, thinking about what she can tell her and what she can’t, how much she can reveal without actually revealing anything. Or maybe she’s just trying to come up with the most creative way to tell her to fuck off._ _ _

_ _ _”I have my reasons for not liking her.”_ _ _

_ _ _Of course, another vague answer, and she doesn’t know why she even bothered to ask when it was clear she was going to get something like this._ _ _

_ _ _She sighs, and she thinks she’s already made a fool out of herself by begging her for her help anyway, so why not try one last time?_ _ _

_ _ _”Sooyoung, I know she’s not your friend anymore, but she’s mine. I don’t want her to leave.”_ _ _

_ _ _She eyes her with an unreadable expression, and Jinsol shifts uncomfortably, feeling small under her gaze._ _ _

_ _ _”I’m sorry, Jinsol. I know you like her, but too much happened. I can’t just ignore all that and act like I’m her friend.”_ _ _

_ _ _She feels the tears well up in her eyes, and she can’t believe that just like that, she’s going to lose Jungeun. She’s going to lose her, and all because of something that happened between her and Sooyoung way before she knew either of them._ _ _

_ _ _”Please, Sooyoung”, she pleads, a tear rolling down her cheek, “Please help her. I’ll do anything.”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung continues to stare at her, watches her silently cry, and still, she looks so detached, like she doesn’t care that there’s a girl crying right in front of her, like she’s not concerned with any of this._ _ _

_ _ _She wipes at her eyes, embarrassed that she’s about to break down in front of someone for the second time today already, and she gulps, trying to choke back the tears, trying to calm down, and still, Sooyoung is just looking at her._ _ _

_ _ _And then when she finally speaks Jinsol stops wiping her eyes, her mouth falling open at what she says._ _ _

_ _ _”Be my girlfriend.“_ _ _


	11. Family Reunion

Turns out Sooyoung’s family is even worse than she’d described them.

And the way she’d described them had made them seem bad enough: Her parents are strict assholes who “stopped giving a shit” way before she’d left home, too caught up in their careers and social circles and appearances to care about her needs and struggles.

Her older sister has always looked down on her, and apparently she hadn’t even thought she was capable of getting into college, so as soon as she did she pretty much stopped talking to her other than when she wanted to compare their academic success or downgrade all of her achievements, too bitter at the fact she’d been proven wrong.

And then there’s all the devious cousins and aunts and countless of other relatives she barely knows, but who talk about her and everyone else regardless, their vicious tongues spewing snarky comment after snarky comment at every family reunion.

All in all, there’s not much love in Sooyoung’s family, and so it makes sense that this time around, she’d wanted to bring a friend so it’d all be easier to endure, but Jinsol would’ve never expected to be asked to play a role, to pretend to be someone she isn’t.

When Sooyoung had asked her to be her girlfriend, she’d been overwhelmed by pure confusion, because it had been so sudden and since when does the girl even like her like that?!

All she’d been able to do was blink several times, trying to figure out if she was really not just in the middle of a weird dream and she’d wake up any second, but it was real. Sooyoung wanted her to be her girlfriend.

She’d stared at her all puzzled, her mouth hanging open, and the other girl had leaned forward with a cocky smirk and grabbed her chin to push it up, proceeding to let out an amused laugh.

”I really wish you could see your face right now”, she’d said, still laughing, and Jinsol’s confusion had only grown with each second, because why wasn’t she explaining anything? Why wasn’t she telling her it was just some dumb joke?

It’d taken a while for Sooyoung to stop making fun of her, and when she had, she’d given her a stupid grin, and Jinsol had only furrowed her eyebrows.

”Listen, you’re not gonna be my actual _girlfriend_”, she’d started, and Jinsol had let out a small “Oh”, the whole thing immediately making way more sense.__

_ _“There’s this family reunion…”_ _

_ _And then she’d told her all about her terribly unsupportive and scheming family and the horrendous family reunions she can never get through without a good (read: unhealthy) amount of vodka and how each and every single one of them hated the thought of someone in their circle not being perfect, which, according to their definition, also meant not being anything other than straight._ _

_ _Sooyoung had always been the odd one out, the one that didn’t conform to any of their standards, did whatever she wanted, and they _hated_ it.___ _

_ _ _And so when she first got caught making out with a girl and her parents, furious and disappointed to no end, decided to out her to the whole family, making their own daughter even more of a black sheep than she already was, she saw it as a chance to provoke them even more than she already did: From then on, she made sure to bring a new girl to each family reunion, be it an actual girlfriend, some girl she was just hooking up with or even just a friend who pretended to be dating her for the day._ _ _

_ _ _And this time around, Jinsol is given the honor of being her fake girlfriend. She’d been way less stunned when she’d heard the whole story, her confusion dissipating and nervousness building at the thought of pretending to be in an actual relationship with Sooyoung._ _ _

_ _ _Would she have to kiss her? Memorize some cheesy story of how they first met?_ _ _

_ _ _Frankly, she hadn’t known if she could pull the act off without it all seeming fabricated, fake, because how was she supposed to stay as composed as Sooyoung’s actual girlfriend would be around her when she still blushes whenever she merely compliments her outfit?_ _ _

_ _ _But she’d known she would have to do it, because it’s the only way Sooyoung would ever agree to help Jungeun, a deal, a trade, and in that moment Jinsol had really understood why she’s a business major._ _ _

_ _ _She’d let her give her a rundown of how things were going to go, listening intently so as not to mess anything up, because this would have to go smoothly, all to Sooyoung’s full satisfaction, and she’d tried to see it as some sort of professional mission to distance herself, to make it seem less crazy than it was._ _ _

_ _ _They would be special agents in disguise, pretending to be someone else to trick the enemy and obtain some super secret, super important information, which, in their case, would be the outraged looks on the faces of Sooyoung’s parents and the hushed whispers of disapproval of her aunts and uncles, and Sooyoung would just smile through it all, satisfied she managed to get under their skin once again._ _ _

_ _ _All Jinsol would have to do would be to dress up nicely, stay by Sooyoung’s side, smile and introduce herself as her girlfriend to everyone regardless of whether they asked or not, and it had sounded simple, but she hadn’t been able to keep from worrying she might do something wrong, might somehow mess up, make Sooyoung angry and ruin Jungeun’s chances at getting to stay._ _ _

_ _ _The reunion was going to take place at her great aunts’ big old mansion, and they’d spent more than two hours in Sooyoung’s car listening to music and making fun of their professors before they’d finally arrived there._ _ _

_ _ _When Jinsol had stepped onto the property in her blue-gray cocktail dress and her black pumps she’d been more than just impressed at the sight: The mansion looked like it was hundreds of years old, made out of stone with vine tendrils wreathing around the walls and black smoke coming from a huge chimney on the roof._ _ _

_ _ _The little path they’d had to walk up to get to the marble stairs leading up to a black door as big as a gate led through an enormous garden full with all sorts of flowers and fruit trees, and the pleasant smell in the air had somehow calmed down her nerves a little, and she’d taken a deep breath, reminding herself she could do this._ _ _

_ _ _And now she’s sitting on the antique couch in the living room with Sooyoung, surrounded by mostly adults in their forties, and she’s trying to avoid their judging looks and clear distaste at the fact that she’s here, Sooyoung’s (fake) girlfriend, but it’s hard when literally everyone seems to be staring at her like she’s their biggest enemy._ _ _

_ _ _She shifts uncomfortably while listening to Sooyoung tell the story of how they met at a college party at the beginning of the semester, looking down at the ground to avoid their piercing stares. They aren’t saying anything yet they’re saying so much, so much bad stuff, and she feels so small, sitting there like this, exposed to their silent hatefulness. This is what Sooyoung has to deal with?_ _ _

_ _ _She looks over at her, at the way she’s talking with this perfect fake smile, all calm and friendly, and you can tell she’s done this countless of times before, every word and every move calculated, rehearsed._ _ _

_ _ _”So, Jinsol, was it? What’s your major again?”, a chubby woman wearing an expensive necklace and a black dress that is maybe a little too tight asks, her displeasure masked with feigned curiosity. Who is she again? An aunt, right?_ _ _

_ _ _”Computer science”, Jinsol gives back, sitting up straight and giving her an overly friendly smile._ _ _

_ _ _”I suppose you’re doing well?”, the woman guesses, lifting the small porcelain teacup in front of her to her lips while still staring at her expectantly._ _ _

_ _ _”Oh, she’s brilliant”, Sooyoung says now, putting a hand on her knee, and Jinsol gulps at the contact. “She’s always studying, so she’s top of her class.”_ _ _

_ _ _She blushes at the compliment, and even though it’s true she feels the need to deny, to downplay her efforts, and she shakes her head, giving Sooyoung who’s smiling at her warmly a sheepish look._ _ _

_ _ _”Well, that’s great to hear. I’m glad she’s not like that girl you brought last time, the one who doesn’t study”, the man sitting next to the aunt, her husband, throws in._ _ _

_ _ _Next to her, Sooyoung shifts a little, fiddling with her fingers nervously, and Jinsol notices, wondering why that statement makes her react that way all of a sudden._ _ _

_ _ _”Ugh, that girl was a nightmare. What was her name again? Jooeun?”, an other woman sitting on the sofa opposite of them speaks now, and when she looks over at Sooyoung she’s digging her nails into the cushions, her face abuzz with barely concealed anger._ _ _

_ _ _”Wasn’t it Jungeun? Yeah, I think it was Jungeun”, the man says again, and Jinsol’s mouth falls open for a second before she reminds herself to close it._ _ _

_ _ _Jungeun? She’s the girl that was here with Sooyoung before her?_ _ _

_ _ _She can’t believe what she’s hearing, and she turns to face her friend with a confused expression, silently asking her if this is actually true. Was Jungeun really her girlfriend at the time or did she just pretend the way Jinsol is now?_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung is avoiding eye contact, instead staring down at her teacup, hard, and she doesn’t speak as her relatives go on about how undisciplined and lazy Jungeun is, how insolent and ill-mannered she’d been, and Jinsol bites her lip._ _ _

_ _ _She wants to say something so bad, wants to tell them they don’t know her at all, that Jungeun is a great person, but she knows she can’t, and so she awkwardly sips her tea and waits until they’ve moved onto a different topic (comparing their childrens’ grades), and whenever she tries to look at Sooyoung, the girl looks away pointedly._ _ _

_ _ _An hour later, everyone gets up to go to the huge dining room for lunch, and when Sooyoung wants to join them, Jinsol grabs her arm and pulls her back down onto the sofa gently._ _ _

_ _ _She waits for a few seconds until everyone has left the room before speaking, and she doesn’t even know where to start, so she just says the one word that hasn’t left her mind this past hour._ _ _

_ _ _”Jungeun?”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung opens her mouth and then closes it, shaking her head, and Jinsol waits patiently until she seems to have worked out an explanation._ _ _

_ _ _”That was back when we were still friends. I needed someone to play my girlfriend and she did.”_ _ _

_ _ _She nods. So Jungeun did what she is doing right now, and with the way those people had talked about her it seems like she hadn’t done the best job._ _ _

_ _ _”They really don’t like her, huh?”, she says, absentmindedly fumbling with the hem of her dress._ _ _

_ _ _”You have no idea.”_ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung looks bitter, like she’s reminiscing about that last family reunion, the dirty looks they’d given Jungeun, the way they’d talked about her behind her back, and Jinsol knows they must have, because they’re doing the same to her, and they think she doesn’t notice but she does._ _ _

_ _ _She notices, and she tries to ignore the uncomfortable feeling she gets in her stomach whenever she sees two elderly ladies huddle together when she walks past, but she can’t. She can’t and she hates it, because why would she care about what a bunch of homophobic evil old people think of her? Why would she care that they don’t approve of Jinsol being Sooyoung’s girlfriend?_ _ _

_ _ _Well, fake girlfriend that is. Maybe that’s why it bothers her that much. Because she kind of wishes it could be real, and even though she knows that’s never happening because Sooyoung is not interested in her, she knows that if it was, that even if her and Sooyoung were actually together, her girlfriend’s family would hate it._ _ _

_ _ _”We should go eat now”, Sooyoung says without looking at her, getting up, and Jinsol thinks she’s about to go into the dining room on her own because she’s already almost halfway out the room before she turns around to look at her._ _ _

_ _ _Her expression is serious, void of her usual playfulness, and she looks like to her, waiting for Jinsol is more of a nuisance than something she’s doing willingly._ _ _

_ _ _She extends her hand, and Jinsol walks over to her and takes it, but Sooyoung’s grip is so light it’s barely there, and when she looks at her from the side, she doesn’t turn to face her, just looks straight ahead as they walk down the long carpeted hallway._ _ _

_ _ _The blonde wonders why she’s acting like that. Did she do something wrong? She thinks that despite her nervousness and fear, she’s been doing well so far, never changing her friendly and modest demeanor no matter how many disapproving looks and snide remarks she is given._ _ _

_ _ _But hasn’t Sooyoung been acting weird ever since Jungeun was mentioned? Yes, that’s when it started; her relatives started dragging her name through the dirt and Sooyoung’s mood changed._ _ _

_ _ _She’s surprised it affects her that much, after all she always acts like she doesn’t care for Jungeun anymore, but Jinsol realizes that maybe even Sooyoung can’t completely stop caring._ _ _

_ _ _Maybe even Sooyoung is still stuck in the past at least a little._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _Lunch is more bearable compared to the rest of the reunion so far, probably because everyone is too focused on devouring the steak and the crème brûlée to make snappy comments, and Jinsol is thankful for it._ _ _

Afterwards, most adults go outside to sit in the garden and have some coffee, while Sooyoung’s cousins roam around the house, probably looking for some place to sit down and be on their phones, so Sooyoung and her are basically left alone.

The dark-haired girl takes her by the hand and drags her into the big antique kitchen, opening one of the top shelves and pulling out a bottle of vodka with a proud grin.

”My dumb great aunt always hides it here and I steal it every single time”, she explains, sitting down on the floor and patting the space next to her.

Jinsol smiles and sits down next to her, watching her open the bottle and take a big gulp before handing it to her.

She takes an even bigger sip, and Sooyoung laughs when the blonde starts coughing, having hung onto the bottle for just a little too long.

“This is the only good thing about these reunions”, she mumbles, and Jinsol hums in agreement.

She wonders why her friend even bothers coming here other than to piss her family off with her various girlfriends. She’s not the type to really obey the rules, so why doesn’t she break this one, why doesn’t she just stay away?

”Can I ask you something?”, she says carefully, as some sort of way to warn Sooyoung she’s about to address something a little more serious.

When the other girl nods she continues: “Why do you even keep coming if it’s always this terrible for you?”

Sooyoung looks at her for a second, her expression blank, and then she shrugs. “I...guess it’s just tradition, and no one ever skips these reunions.”

”Since when do you care about traditions?”, Jinsol laughs, raising an eyebrow at her, and she really hadn’t seen her as the type to actually bother with stuff like that, so she doesn’t quite believe it.

”Okay, maybe I don’t”, Sooyoung replies with a laugh, rolling her eyes. “I just feel like I have to go for some reason. Maybe it’s ‘cause my parents used to force me and now I’m just used to it.”

Jinsol knows the feeling of thinking you just have to do something, and she nods, taking a quick sip of the vodka before handing Sooyoung the bottle again.

She drinks a little, and then she looks at her, her face all serious again when she speaks. “I know we kinda have a deal, but thank you for coming with me. Seriously. You make this whole thing easier.”

Jinsol looks down, trying to hide the blush that’s starting to form on her cheeks, and she quickly takes the bottle back to drink some more.

She hates this place and the people in it, but being here with Sooyoung makes it easier for her, too, and she knows that she would’ve come with her even without the whole Jungeun situation going on.

”You know, being your girlfriend is actually kinda fun if you ignore all the homophobia going on here”, she says, and usually she’d never get this bold, but for some reason now, sitting there on the kitchen floor with Sooyoung, she feels like she can say whatever she wants.

”Only kinda?”, the other girl teases, quirking an eyebrow, and Jinsol laughs, nudging her.

”It’s a lot of fun”, she mutters, looking down at her lap with a small smile, suddenly not being able to look her in the eyes, and for a moment it’s silent, and she can feel Sooyoung watching her from the side.

”Being your girlfriend is fun, too”, she admits, her voice barely above a whisper, and when Jinsol turns to look at her, her face is a lot closer than it was just seconds ago.

She looks up, looks into her eyes, and there’s a glint in them she’s never seen before, and it’s so captivating, making her lean closer, too, drawing her in, and it must be some form of magic.

When their faces are just inches apart, they sit and stare at each other, neither of them moving, and it’s like everything else around them fades away and all she can see is Sooyoung’s dark brown eyes and that incredible glint in them.

She doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but as soon as they hear steps coming closer they break apart, and Jinsol feels a little dizzy, like Sooyoung hypnotized her and just now snapped her fingers.

A guy who looks like he’s still in high school walks in and she recognizes him as one of the second cousins she’d sat across from during lunch. He clears his throat uncomfortably, averting his gaze, and it causes that weird feeling in her stomach to come back.

She shifts, and she hates the way she can’t help but move away from Sooyoung a little, because she’d thought she was long over being ashamed of who she is, but it looks like this family has proven to be capable of bringing out some bad stuff after all.

”Is there any alcohol left?”, he asks, his question directed at Sooyoung, and she rolls her eyes and points to the fridge with her chin.

”Take a beer and go.”

He doesn’t move, instead stares at the vodka bottle in her hand, and it’s clear that that’s what he’d meant by alcohol. Sooyoung notices, gripping it a little tighter like he’s going to try and take it from her.

Though he doesn’t ask for it he’s still silently staring, but Sooyoung just smirks and takes a long sip, completely ignoring him, and that’s when he gives up and sighs, walking over to the fridge and pulling out a beer bottle before giving them one last condescending look and leaving.

As soon as he’s gone the girl laughs. “He’s such a lightweight, he couldn’t handle this vodka anyway. Fucking pussy.”

* * *

When the other relatives come back inside half an hour later, Sooyoung rolls her eyes and sighs in exasperation, grabbing her by the hand again and leading her down the hallway.

”We’re _so_ getting the fuck out of here”, she mutters, dragging her through a back door and into the garden, and Jinsol can’t help but stare at their hands and the way they fit together so well.__

_ _They walk down a graveled path with flowers on each side, and it leads them to a bunch of huge old apple trees. There’s a bench under one of them, and they sit down on it, Sooyoung leaning her head back immediately._ _

_ _She stares up at the leaves and branches right above them, but Jinsol stares at her, at the way her hair falls and her lip gloss shines in the sunlight that’s coming through the trees. She wishes she had a way to capture this moment like a photo, capture the warm feeling she gets at the sight of Sooyoung just sitting there in peace so she can relive it over and over again._ _

_ _The girl raises an eyebrow when she notices her staring, softly nudging her and pointing up at the trees with her head._ _

_ _”You see these apples?”, she asks, and Jinsol follows her gaze to a few red shiny apples hanging from a branch. “When I was younger and we’d come here I’d always make my parents pick them for me while I was sitting here not doing shit.”_ _

_ _They both giggle, and she pictures a young Sooyoung whining like a little princess until her parents give in and start picking apples for her, and somehow it’s the most endearing thing she can imagine, and she smiles to herself._ _

_ _”I bet they still taste just as good as they did back then.”_ _

_ _Jinsol looks at her and then back up at the apples, and then she gets up and climbs onto the bench, standing on her tiptoes and reaching for an especially luscious one._ _

_ _”You’re really gonna pick one now?”, Sooyoung laughs, and the sound warms her heart, a smile creeping onto her face before she realizes it._ _

_ _”I’m really gonna pick one now”, she responds, stretching her arm out more, her fingertips grazing the apple right in front of her._ _

_ _”Do I help you or do I just sit here again?”, her friend asks, her smile evident in her voice, and they both already know the answer to that question._ _

_ _Jinsol leans forward a little more, careful not to fall off the bench, and then she can grasp the fruit, pulling it off its twig and slowly returning to her sitting position._ _

_ _”Here”, she says with a proud smile, like a kid who just did something completely unimpressive but can’t wait to show it off to its parents, and when she hands her the apple, their hands touch for the shortest of moments, lightning shooting through their fingertips, and Jinsol feels alight with warmth._ _

_ _They end up sharing the apple, Sooyoung managing to break it in half with her bare hands, and maybe it’s because she’s eating it with her, because she picked it for her, but she thinks it’s the best apple she’s ever had._ _

_ _While eating, they talk, mostly about fond childhood memories, and Jinsol’s cheeks hurt from smiling at all the cute stories Sooyoung tells her of herself, and it makes her wish she’d known her back then already because she thinks they would’ve been great friends._ _

_ _Sooyoung asks if she wants to walk around the garden a little, grabbing her by the hand for the nth time that day, and still Jinsol feels that tingling sensation when she does it, and she wonders if she’ll ever get over it._ _

_ _Their fingers are interlocked as they walk on the grass, and after a while she suggests they go down to the old little pavilion at the pond, but when they get closer they spot two people already sitting there._ _

_ _Sooyoung gulps almost unnoticeably at the sight, and Jinsol can feel her tense up next to her. The girl stares at them for a moment, and they haven’t seen them yet, so she quickly turns around and pulls her with her._ _

_ _”Who are those people?”, Jinsol wants to know, looking back at them once more, and they’re sitting at a little table talking animatedly, the woman smiling brightly at the man._ _

_ _”They’re my parents”, Sooyoung responds through gritted teeth, and Jinsol recollects seeing them briefly a few times, but neither them or Sooyoung had acknowledged each other once._ _

_ _She gets why, after all they don’t have the best relationship, but it’s__ still kind of sad. She couldn’t imagine being around her parents all day long and not talking to them once, and she feels bad for Sooyoung, so she squeezes her hand and gives her a warm smile._ _

_ _ _”We can come back later if you don’t wanna talk to them”, she suggests, and Sooyoung just rolls her eyes, clearly annoyed that they didn’t get to go down to the pavilion._ _ _

_ _ _”Those little bitches always have to ruin everything”, she mutters bitterly, and Jinsol can’t help but giggle at the phrase, and it makes Sooyoung giggle, too, albeit reluctantly._ _ _

_ _ _They’re back inside the house a little later, and after a few awkward and tense conversations with some aunts and uncles they haven’t really talked to yet, they manage to sneak off into one of the guest rooms, Sooyoung giving her a mischievous grin as she leads her up the black wooden stairs._ _ _

_ _ _The room is huge, and Jinsol thinks that if this is just a guest room, she can’t even imagine how big the main bedrooms are. There’s a luxurious king size bed in the middle of the room, and Sooyoung lets herself fall onto it right away, and just like back in the kitchen she pats the free space next to her with a smile._ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol moves to sit on the bed hesitantly, too nervous to actually lie down next to her friend who narrows her eyes at her._ _ _

_ _ _”Are you really just gonna sit there?”, she questions, raising an eyebrow at her, and Jinsol nods in response, giving her a tight-lipped smile._ _ _

_ _ _Whenever she gets too close to Sooyoung, she feels like her heart is going to beat out of her chest and she’s going to lose it out of nervousness, so she thinks it’s best to just play it safe and stay right where she is._ _ _

_ _ _But Sooyoung has other plans for her._ _ _

_ _ _”Don’t be ridiculous”, she mumbles, grabbing her arm and pulling her down so she’s lying right next to her, and Jinsol can feel her cheeks redden already, and God, is this going to be rough._ _ _

_ _ _Sooyoung is smiling at her, oblivious to the fact that the girl next to her is internally preparing for a heart attack, and when Jinsol just stares at her, she nudges her softly._ _ _

_ _ _”You’ve had enough by now, right?”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol promptly shakes her head, and though it’s true, that’s not the reason why she’s all frozen up now, not that she could tell her that._ _ _

_ _ _”Don’t worry, it’ll be over soon”, she states, turning to face the big old chandelier hanging on the ceiling above them._ _ _

_ _ _”It wasn’t all that bad”, Jinsol reassures, and it was, but Sooyoung already hates it so much here she feels like she has to be a little more positive at least._ _ _

_ _ _The other girl turns to look at her for a few seconds before breaking out in laughter. “Yes, it was”, she says, nudging her a little._ _ _

_ _ _”Okay, your relatives aren’t exactly the friendliest”, the blonde admits, pouting slightly._ _ _

_ _ _”Now that’s an understatement if I’ve ever seen one.”_ _ _

_ _ _They both laugh, and despite their closeness Jinsol feels a little more at ease now because of how relaxed the atmosphere is. Yeah, it might be on a king size bed and they might be lying right next to each other, but essentially it’s just the two of them joking around, right?_ _ _

_ _ _”Lunch was great”, she continues, and Sooyoung nods in agreement._ _ _

_ _ _”If there’s anything my great aunt is good for it’s cooking.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol finds that the statement sounds a little too harsh, but she can’t help but laugh anyway, and Sooyoung joins her again, and she can’t ignore the way her bunny teeth show and how adorable she looks like that._ _ _

_ _ _”This was still the best family reunion ever”, the dark-haired girl says after a short pause, looking back up at the ceiling absentmindedly. And then she turns to face her when she continues: “Mainly because you were here.”_ _ _

_ _ _Jinsol gulps, and she’s sure that she’s as red as a tomato now, but she manages to muster a smile that she’s sure looks more like a grimace as she avoids eye contact, unable to come up with a good response._ _ _

_ _ _”I…”, she starts, but she can’t for the life of her think of something equally as nice to say back, and when her phone pings with a message she’s more than thankful._ _ _

_ _ _It’s from Jungeun, she’s asking her how the reunion is going, and she instinctively turns down her brightness and shifts a little, feeling like she has to hide who the text is from._ _ _

_ _ _She can see Sooyoung staring at her out of the corner of her eye, and so she quickly types back a response, telling her that “it could be worse” and putting her phone away, facing the girl next to her with an innocent smile._ _ _

_ _ _”Who was that?”, she asks, raising an eyebrow questioningly, and even though there’s no way she saw who she was texting she still gets the feeling she knows, and her slight paranoia makes her analyze the tone of her voice like there’s some secret hint hidden in it._ _ _

_ _ _”Uh… Just-just a girl from class”, she explains hastily, and she’s not even sure why she’s lying, but somehow she just doesn’t think Sooyoung would like her mentioning Jungeun right now, so she continues. “She was asking me something about this essay we have to write.”_ _ _

_ _ _The dark-haired girl nods, and though she might not see through her, Jinsol feels like whatever moment they were having is gone now, and she watches Sooyoung pull out her own phone and type something on it with a bored expression._ _ _

_ _ _Now she regrets not saying anything earlier, and she sighs as she stares up at the chandelier._ _ _

_ _ _Then, her phone chimes again, and a part of her doesn’t feel like checking it, because she’s expecting it to be Jungeun and it just feels wrong now with Sooyoung next to her (not that she’d care with the way she’s staring at her phone)._ _ _

_ _ _Still, she turns it on, and to her surprise, it’s not Jungeun who’s texting her, but Chaewon._ _ _

_ _ _At first she thinks she got it wrong, that her eyes are deceiving her, and she has to read the text several times until she’s convinced it’s real, and her heart sinks a little when she stares at the name in the message._ _ _

_ _ _”who the fuck is haseul?”_ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well.....i've reuploaded everything now!! this whole thing was a mess you guys but i'm just glad the fic's back lol 
> 
> again thanks to everyone, much love :)


	12. Old Friends

_“This–“, Haseul points between the two of them, “All of this...Was a mistake.”_

_And with that she turns to leave and Jinsol’s heart sinks._

_”Haseul, wait.”_

_She grabs her arm, but the other girl shakes her off, turning around with a glare that hits her like an unexpected punch to the face._

_”I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen I just–“_

_”I don’t care! You ruined everything!”_

_She’s screaming at her, her eyes wide and filled with anger, and the words hurt her more than anything, and she can feel the tears well up in her eyes, hastily blinking them away._

_She looks at her with so much disdain that it makes her feel like she’s the worst person in the world, like she’s a monster, and all she wants is to run away and hide, hide from her and her gaze and this whole mess, but most of all she wants to hide from herself._

_The girl turns around again, and this time when she grabs the door handle she doesn’t stop her. She lets her go, lets her slam the door shut, lets her take all her hope and her dignity with her, lets her take her heart with her, and now she’s left all alone in her dark bedroom._

_She buries her head in her hands, realizing that it’s over. She lost her._

_And then she cries.___

* * *

_ _”I have no idea how she found us, but suddenly she’s knocking on the door asking for you and I’m just like ‘Who the fuck is she?’, you know? And I told her you’re not here and she just left. That bitch didn’t even say bye”, Chaewon rambles when they’re sitting on the couch in her dorm that evening, eyes focused on the blunt she’s rolling._ _

”You have no idea where she could’ve gone?”

The girl shakes her head, grabbing a lighter from her desk, and Jinsol watches her light the joint and take a hit, hesitating when she holds it out to her afterwards.

She’s still afraid they might get caught, but at the same time she really needs this now that her friend from back home randomly decided to show up here.

She sighs and takes it, inhaling deeply before letting the smoke back out, watching it go up into the air.

”It’s like, the middle of the semester. What is she even doing here? Everyone always waits till Christmas break for the reunions”, Chae says, furrowing her brows, and Jinsol wishes she had an answer to that.

When she’d left the two of them hadn’t exactly been on the best terms with everything that had happened between them, and neither of them has contacted the other ever since, Jinsol because she just couldn’t seem to work up the courage and Haseul...God, who ever knows why Haseul acts the way she does?

She shrugs, taking another hit, and she really doesn’t know how she’s supposed to talk to her now, but she knows she has to, and what are they even going to talk about? Last summer? The fact that their friendship is kind of ruined now?

“Must be something urgent, huh?”, her friend comments, taking the blunt from her. “You think she’s pregnant?”

She says it with a laugh, but Jinsol doesn’t think it’s funny at all, the thought making her feel sick to her stomach. She knows Haseul doesn’t ever want children and she’s completely focused on college, but just imagining her and her now ex-boyfriend actually having a baby makes her want to throw up all over the place.

Her and her ex-boyfriend. Her and Changmin. Good, oblivious, dumb little Changmin.

* * *

_”Another round on me!”, Changmin yells, grinning, and everyone at the table starts cheering so loud that people around them turn around to see where all the noise is coming from._

_They have the biggest table in the whole bar and yet they still had to get some extra chairs in order for everyone to be able to sit there, and Jinsol hasn’t counted but there must be more than twenty of them: Changmin’s whole soccer team, some girlfriends, some friends, and Jinsol and her best friends._

_They all decided to go out together to celebrate the team winning a really important tournament, and everyone’s buzzing with happiness and pride, but Changmin is the happiest of them all._

_Being the team captain he’d trained extra hard all season long, practicing almost every day for hours, way into the night, and it’d paid off because even though the whole team had been at the top of their game, he’d been at the heart of it all, leading them through the whole tournament with unwavering confidence._

_He’d been the one to score the winning goal tonight, and everyone had celebrated him like he’d brought them world peace, calling him their hero and patting him on the back wherever he went, but humble as he is he’d just waved them all off with a lopsided grin saying it was all thanks to his team._

_He’s the star of the night, the strong, handsome, fearless captain that had led them here, and everyone is talking about him, everyone has their eyes on him._

_Everyone but his girlfriend._

_No, his girlfriend isn’t celebrating him, she’s celebrating that it’s all finally over, the relief evident in her every look towards him, towards the big trophy standing in the middle of the table._

_The only reason why the win matters to her at all is that Changmin is finally done training all day and night, he’s finally done cancelling all their dates for extra practice, he’s finally done missing all her calls and text messages because he’s out running laps on the field or learning shooting drills._

_She’d never admit it out loud, but Jinsol knows that she’s been suffering from his neglect, that she’s been waiting for the season to end, for the tournament to end, so she can have him back._

_She knows because when they’re together she only ever talks about him, complains about how he’s taking it all way too seriously, about how she’s getting bored with him and his “dumb ball game”, and at some point it just started going in one ear and out the other for Jinsol._

_She knows she’s been suffering because she started clinging onto her like a lifeline, trying to replace him, trying to forget the fact that he seems to care more about sports than her._

_She knows because whenever he ditches her, the first thing she does is find her. The first thing she does is knock on her door. The first thing she does is kiss her with so much eager, so much eager to forget him that it always catches her off guard and her head starts spinning with the way she’s pressing against her so desperately._

_She knows because when it’s all over, when she’s putting her clothes back on quickly, she immediately starts talking about him again, about how she has to go pick him up from practice, and all Jinsol gets is a tight-lipped smile and a wave before she walks out of the room, leaving her all alone in her bed._

_But Changmin is too busy to notice._

_He’s too busy to notice the faint smell of perfume on her that isn’t hers, too busy to notice the occasional hickey she forgot to cover up, and even now he’s too busy to notice Haseul’s hand on Jinsol’s thigh and the way it’s gripping it under the table._

_He barely looks at her, too focused on drinking shot after shot, discussing the final game with his teammates and stealing glances at the trophy every now and then, a proud smile on his face._

_He doesn’t question it when Haseul gets up, grabbing Jinsol’s hand and dragging her to the bathroom with her, instead he recalls his winning goal._

_Jinsol doesn’t even need to ask why they’re going to the bathroom, she can feel it in the girl’s tight grip on her arm, the way her jaw clenches, but when she pushes her up against the wall as soon as the door closes it still takes her breath away._

_She closes her eyes as Haseul’s lips wander from her own to her neck, hungrily kissing the same spot over and over again, and her skin tingles when her hand trails down to her breast._

_They both know they don’t have much time until someone starts wondering what’s taking them so long (it’s certainly not going to be Changmin), and so Haseul’s hand flies down to the zipper of her pants, and she quickly pulls it down, her fingers finding their way past her underwear and to her core, and Jinsol sighs quietly._

_She leans her head back against the wall and grabs her hair as the other girl picks up her pace, and she bites her lip in an effort not to be too loud._

_Haseul grabs her face and pulls her closer, and for a second she can see all the repressed anger, all the suffering in her eyes, but then it’s gone as she leans forward and kisses her again with that urgency that always drives her when they’re together like this._

_When they walk back outside and sit down at the table, Changmin doesn’t look at them once, too busy animatedly explaining how he tricked one of the defenders in the second half, and Jinsol can see the earlier defeat settle back on Haseul’s face._

_Underneath the table she reaches for her hand, but Haseul pulls it away, and she’s not even looking at her, instead staring down at her drink bitterly._

_This is Jinsol’s suffering: The way she never lets her get too close, never lets her make a move because it always has to be her who pushes her up against a wall, throws her on the bed, it has to be her who dictates how things go, and it’s never in that direction, there’s never any physical contact beyond the bed, or the couch, or the table, or this time the bathroom, there’s never anything beyond what she allows.___

* * *

_ _”I have to talk to her”, Jinsol mutters darkly, and the prospect of seeing her again is frightening, because who knows what will happen when they talk? Who knows why she’s here?_ _

”Talk to who? That Haseul girl?”, Hyejoo asks, stepping out of the bathroom while drying her hair with a towel. “I don’t like her. She didn’t even say hello before she asked for you.”

”You never say hello before asking for something either”, Chaewon responds with a teasing grin, and Hyejoo throws the towel on the bed and turns around to face her with a raised eyebrow.

”And? You got a problem with that?”

Chaewon shakes her head, still grinning, and then she takes another drag, and Jinsol follows the smoke with her eyes, thinking about how her and Haseul’s conversation could possibly go.

There’s so much and so little she could say at the same time, and either way she’s scared, scared of how things will go because you never know with Haseul: She’s always been unpredictable, capricious, and she remembers all the times she’d tried to talk to her about whatever it was they were doing, about what they were at the time.

She remembers the first time she’d asked, the first time it had happened.

* * *

_”Haseul?”, she says carefully, her voice already shaking, and she’s afraid of what will happen when the other girl finishes getting dressed and turns around to face her, look at her and how she’s sitting on the bed with her head low and her hands in her lap._

_”Yeah?”, she responds innocently, like she isn’t currently putting her clothes back on after having spent the night practically destroying Jinsol’s bed with her._

_”What...What was that last night?”_

_The girl who has just pulled her shirt over her head pauses for a moment, and Jinsol can feel the hesitation, the contemplation, and maybe she shouldn’t have asked, maybe she should’ve just shut her mouth and accepted it as the one-time thing it truly is._

_She doesn’t look at her when she speaks, instead grabs her necklace from the bedside table, slowly putting it on._

_”We were drunk. Let’s just forget it.”_

_But they weren’t drunk enough for Jinsol to forget the way Haseul’s face had fallen when Changmin had called to tell her he couldn’t make it, that she should just go out with everyone else, the way she’d caught herself and grabbed Jinsol’s hand, telling her they were going to have “the best night of their lives”, the twinkle in her eyes whenever they’d clinked their glasses at some new bar._

_They weren’t drunk enough for Jinsol to forget the way Haseul had pressed her body against hers on the dance floor, the way she’d wrapped her arms around her neck and smiled at her so seductively._

_They weren’t drunk enough for Jinsol to forget the way she’d suddenly grabbed her face when they were lying next to each other on Jinsol’s bed later that night, the way she’d kissed her with more desire than anyone had ever kissed her, the way she’d looked with her clothes off, the way she’d tasted._

_But she knows that she’ll have to find a way to forget, because Haseul wants to, because to her it was just a drunken slip-up, a way to forget that Changmin had left her alone for the hundredth time, and it was the wrong way._

_”I...Alright”, she mumbles, playing with the little pendant on her bracelet, and she’d known things would go like this, so why is she disappointed?_

_”I’ll see you tomorrow?”, Haseul says, getting up and finally facing her, and her smile is too easy, she’s too intent on making this all seem like it’s no big deal even though it is, but what else can she do other than smile back and nod?___

* * *

_ _When she opens the door to her dorm, she doesn’t expect to see Sooyoung sitting on her chair with her arms crossed and an annoyed look on her face, and most of all she doesn’t expect Haseul right there on her bed, smiling awkwardly._ _

Both girls immediately look towards the door when she steps in, and when she meets Haseul’s eyes, for a moment she feels like she’s being taken back, back to when things were okay between them, when they were just friends.

She looks away after a few seconds, the eye contact becoming too intense for her to handle, and before anyone can say something Sooyoung gets up and grabs her by the arm, leading her back into the hallway.

”Where were you? You said you’d just drop by Chae’s real quick. It’s been like half an hour”, she immediately spews, and she’s got her arms crossed again and her eyebrows furrowed.

”I’m sorry, I just–“, she starts, but she doesn’t really have the time to explain herself, because she needs to know why the fuck Haseul is in her dorm sitting on her bed. ”Listen, when did Haseul get here?”

”Like twenty minutes ago. I was just about to leave for a date and then this random girl is standing in front of the door asking for you. And now I had to stay with her the whole time ‘cause she wanted to wait for you and I’m not just leaving a stranger in my dorm!”, Sooyoung gives back, and Jinsol tries to ignore the way the word “date” stings just a little.

”I’m sorry, really. You can go now”, she tells her, and the other girl looks at her for a second, raising her eyebrows.

”You know, I didn’t think those were the kind of people you were hanging out with back home”, she comments, and Jinsol is thoroughly confused.

”What kind of people?”

”Condescending little bitches”, Sooyoung responds before turning around, leaving her even more confused, because sure, maybe Haseul acts a little high and mighty sometimes, but how would she know when she just met her twenty minutes ago?

She goes back inside, and Haseul immediately stands up when she sees her, a small, uncertain smile on face, and for a moment they just stand there and look at each other, take each other in.

”Haseul”, Jinsol lets out, and it feels weird saying her name now that she hasn’t seen her in a while.

”Hi”, the girl gives back, leaning forward to wrap her in a hug, and even though it’s so unfamiliar now because she can’t remember the last time they actually hugged each other, Jinsol hugs back, her arms wrapping around her waist slowly, and she doesn’t dare hold her too tight.

”Haseul, why are you here?”, she asks when they’ve let each other go, and she’s afraid of the answer, afraid of what might’ve happened or what she might want to say to her.

”Straight to the point, huh?”, the girl says with a sheepish grin, sitting back down on the bed. “Well, I guess this _is_ kind of unexpected.”__

_ _The blonde is still standing in front of her, waiting for an answer, and Haseul doesn’t look at her, her gaze trained on the floor._ _

_ _”I just wanted to see you”, she states when she looks back up at her again, her smile still there, and Jinsol doesn’t know what to do with that._ _

_ _”In the middle of the semester?”_ _

_ _She shrugs, crossing her legs. “Can’t a girl go see her friend?”_ _

_ _Jinsol scoffs. They’re not friends, not anymore, and who travels to the other side of the country just to “see their friend”, who they haven’t talked to properly in months?_ _

_ _She plops down onto Sooyoung’s bed, sighing, and she doesn’t really know where to go from here, what to say to her, and how has it only been a minute and yet Haseul’s already managing to stress her out?_ _

_ _”How have you been?”, the girl sitting opposite her asks, tilting her head a little, and that question alone is already overwhelming, because how can something that nonchalant and simple be the first thing she says to her after everything that happened back home?_ _

_ _But she doesn’t ask her that, instead decides to play along, to pretend things between them are okay enough for them to do small talk. “Good. And you?”_ _

_ _”Alright, I guess. Kinda bored without you”, Haseul says, grinning at the last part, and Jinsol can’t help but frown._ _

_ _Bored? Was she bored without her when she was ignoring her for a month straight?_ _

_ _She sighs, and she really doesn’t know how she’s supposed to keep this up, to pretend that all of a sudden everything’s fine just because they haven’t seen each other in a bit, and she just doesn’t believe Haseul wants to do that either._ _

_ _There has to be an actual reason why she came here, there has to be something she wants to say to her, so why is she acting like this? Why doesn’t she just say it?_ _

_ _”Hey, did you and Sooyoung have an argument or something?”, she asks, choosing to focus on keeping the conversation going instead._ _

_ _”An argument? No, why would we?”, Haseul responds with a laugh, giving her a disbelieving look._ _

_ _”It’s just that she seemed kinda... pissed at you”, Jinsol explains, deciding to leave out the part where she called her a “condescending little bitch”, and with personalities like theirs she wouldn’t be surprised if they somehow managed to clash while she was gone._ _

_ _They’re both stubborn, hotheaded and have way too much pride, and she’s starting to wonder why she seems to gravitate towards people like them._ _

_ _”Oh. Well, she was kinda mad because she had somewhere to be, and when I told her she could just go she was all annoyed saying she’s not going to let ‘some weird random girl’ stay at her dorm alone”, Haseul explains, and she’s making it sound harmless, because of course she is, but Jinsol can imagine what tone she must’ve used, the annoyed look she must’ve given her and she gets why it might’ve pissed Sooyoung off._ _

_ _”You know, your roommate is kinda dramatic”, she says now, and it’s more of an observation than an insult, because yes, she can be _very_ dramatic, but somehow Jinsol still feels the need to defend her.___ _

_ _ _”She was probably just caught off guard. You did come here unannounced after all”, she says, and Haseul presses her lips together and shifts a little._ _ _

_ _ _”Yeah, I know. I just wanted it to be a surprise.”_ _ _

_ _ _She’s giving her that overly nice smile again, and it’s so forced, so unlike Haseul, and she just really wants her to drop the act already._ _ _

_ _ _But she can’t bring herself to say it, because at least this is safe, at least this doesn’t involve actually talking about stuff, and though she’s tired of her manufactured nonchalance it’s still better than confrontation._ _ _

_ _ _”Hey, what do you say we go get coffee somewhere? I haven’t had any since I landed yesterday”, Haseul suggests now, and her smile has gotten even brighter, and Jinsol is getting tired of seeing it._ _ _

_ _ _”Sure”, she says, her voice emotionless and her expression blank, and Haseul notices, she knows she does, and yet she just continues smiling, continues pretending they’re okay._ _ _

* * *

_ _ _”And then she told me that I don’t have to sit and listen to her lecture if I don’t want to and I said that I’m good, and I’m pretty sure she hates me now”, Haseul says, laughing, and she just got done telling her all about how she got into an argument with one of her professors, and Jinsol is only half listening because her mind is still racing with all these questions._ _ _

She wishes she could just tell the other girl to shut up and ask her why she’s really here, why now, but she doesn’t think this coffee shop is the right place to have that discussion, nor does she feel like she has the strength for it.

She stares down at her cup of coffee absentmindedly, and she can barely recall what Haseul just told her, so instead of saying something she just hums.

But the girl must’ve noticed she’s not really listening to her, because she sighs and gives her a resigned look.

”Aren’t you happy to see me at all?”

Jinsol opens her mouth and then closes it again, not knowing what to respond, not knowing what to think. Is she happy to see her or not?

There’s a part of her that is, because even after everything she’s still one of her best friends, she’s still someone who’s been there for her, someone she’s gone through all kinds of stuff with, but right now she’s just too confused and too overwhelmed, and having her here, right in front of her just makes her remember things she’d rather not think about.

Haseul bites her lip when the blonde doesn’t answer, and then she’s just staring at her, hard, and the look in her eyes is pained.

”I know things haven’t been the best between us”, she says, and for the first time since Jinsol found her sitting on her bed she sounds sincere, with no trace of fake enthusiasm in her voice and no forced smile on her face.

”We’re still friends, right?”

It’s this question, this unspoken question that’s been lingering in the air for months that makes Jinsol gasp for air, makes her pause, because even though she’s tried hundreds and hundreds of times to answer it, she can’t.

She thinks that sometimes, when too much happens between two people, when you cross an invisible line, you can’t be friends anymore no matter how hard you try. Is this what happened to her and Haseul?

”I–I don’t know”, she replies truthfully, and Haseul’s face falls and she gulps, looking down at the table.

”I was hoping you’d say yes”, she mumbles, almost inaudibly, and it makes Jinsol’s heart hurt because a part of her really wants that to be the answer, too, wants to forget everything and move on, but she knows she can’t.

At least not unless they actually try to figure this out, but she wouldn’t even know where to start, and she doesn’t think she can still talk to her like she used to, not after all this time.

She wants to say something, but the other girl clears her throat, and then she looks up and there it is again, that way too cheerful smile, and it makes Jinsol want to get up and leave.

”Hey, when I was looking for you I ended up at that blonde girl’s dorm first, and she told me you were at some family reunion with your roommate. How did that go anyway?”, she questions, her voice sounding like she’s in a commercial, and she can’t quite believe how quickly she managed to switch back to her pretend nonchalance, but she forces herself to go along with it all nevertheless.

”It was alright”, she responds curtly, and she can tell Haseul doesn’t like the way her voice doesn’t have the least bit of warmth in it, but still she just continues smiling.

”Why were you at someone else’s family reunion anyway?”

Jinsol pauses at that, and she really doesn’t feel like explaining that she was Sooyoung’s fake girlfriend for the day, not just because she’s tired of this small talk, she also doesn’t want to tell Haseul out of all people.

”It’s a long story”, she simply responds, and Haseul presses her lips together and nods, proceeding to take a sip of her coffee.

They’re both silent for a moment, and Jinsol can tell the other girl is running out of stuff to say, things to use to distract from the fact that the last time they actually talked to each other they were a mess.

* * *

_When the doorbell rings and she opens the door, the last person she expects to see behind it is Haseul, holding her bracelet, her expression blank._

_”You forgot this a while ago. I think it’s time I gave it back to you.”_

_Her voice is dark, and she hands it to her, already turning to leave, but Jinsol grabs her arm._

_”Wait, don’t go. Please.” Her eyes are pleading, silently begging her to stay and figure this out, begging her not to turn her back on her now._

_Haseul stares back, and for a second she breaks out of that emotionlessness, her eyebrows furrowing, her eyes pained. She shakes her hand off, taking a step back, and Jinsol knows she’s about to lose her._

_”Haseul, I’m begging you. We need to talk about this.”_

_She takes another step back, and she looks so uncertain, so scared, and all Jinsol can do is take a step forward, try to reach her before it’s too late._

_Then she pauses. “And if I don’t want to talk?”_

_Jinsol feels the tears sting in her eyes, and she knows she can’t just let her go now, that if she does she might never see her again, so she reaches for her hand carefully._

_”Please”, she pleads, voice quivering, and she thinks if Haseul walks away now she’ll break down in front of her own doorstep, out here for everyone to see._

_The other girl shakes her hand off again, but she stays where she is, and then she sighs and slowly walks past her into the house, her gaze trained on her feet._

_They go into Jinsol’s room and Jinsol sits down onto her bed, waiting for Haseul to do the same, but she doesn’t. Instead she stands near the door, ready to leave as soon as it gets too much for her, and it makes the blonde nervous, the thought of her walking out scaring her to no end._

_”Haseul, I’m so sorry”, she starts, looking up at her and her cold, cold eyes. “I should’ve known he was going to see, I–“_

_”Yeah, you should’ve”, she interrupts her, crossing her arms in front of her chest, and with the way she’s glaring at her Jinsol doesn’t dare to continue._

_”God, I told you he’s inside, why would you even–“, she stops herself, sighing, and the blonde bites her lip, suddenly unable to look the other girl in the eyes._

_When she’d come to pick Haseul up so they could go to the cinema the other day she’d been over the moon because they’d planned to go out for dinner afterwards, which was a first, and even though she knew that it wasn’t a date, it’d felt a lot like one._

_She’d put on her nicest clothes and taken her time doing her makeup, making sure it looked extra good, and in the car on the way to Haseul’s apartment she’d sang along to the songs on the radio at the top of her lungs._

_Everything was vibrant, bright, perfect, and in her head she’d recalled the girl basically asking her out over and over again, and even though neither of them had said it, they’d both felt that this was different from their usual meetups, and Jinsol couldn’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, this was going to be a step into that direction, the one Haseul never went for._

_So when she’d ringed the doorbell and her friend had stepped out looking more beautiful than ever, greeting her with the brightest smile, she hadn’t been able to stop herself – she’d leaned forward and kissed her._

_It had been a quick peck at first, mere seconds long, and it had clearly taken Haseul by surprise because she’d backed away, her eyes wide, and then she’d looked back nervously._

_”Not here, Changmin’s in the living room”, she’d explained, but Jinsol, happy as she was had only shrugged and grinned at her._

_”He can’t see us from there.”_

_And with that she’d leaned back in, and normally she’d never done that, normally she’d never been that careless, and now she doesn’t know what had gotten into her._

_But still, Haseul had kissed her, too, she’d been into it, too, and maybe if they’d just stopped a few seconds earlier Changmin wouldn’t have walked in on them, maybe then they wouldn’t have ruined everything they’d had within the span of mere seconds._

_Of course they hadn’t gone on that date-that-wasn’t-an-actual-date afterwards, of course Haseul had pushed her away and tried to stop Changmin from running out of the apartment, of course she’d slammed the door into her face and left her all alone in the hallway._

_Of course Jinsol had cried for days afterwards, tried to reach her, calling her, texting her, even showing up at her apartment once, but of course the girl hadn’t said a word to her, of course she’d ignored her for weeks._

_Of course that incident had ruined their friendship._

_”Listen, I–I was just...I was so stupid”, Jinsol stutters, and she knows she can’t put into words how much she regrets kissing her, even though it had felt so right in the moment. So, so right._

_”And because you were stupid Changmin broke up with me”, Haseul says, her voice laced with anger, and a part of her wants to protest, wants to point out that she’d been the one who’d started the whole thing in the first place, but she remains silent as she looks down at the floor._

_“This–“, Haseul points between the two of them, “All of this...Was a mistake.”_

_And with that she turns to leave and Jinsol’s heart sinks._

_”Haseul, wait.”_

_She grabs her arm, but the other girl shakes her off, turning around with a glare that hits her like an unexpected punch to the face._

_”I’m sorry. I never meant for this to happen I just–“_

_”I don’t care! You ruined everything!”_

_She’s screaming at her, her eyes wide and filled with anger, and the words hurt her more than anything, and she can feel the tears well up in her eyes, hastily blinking them away._

_She looks at her with so much disdain that it makes her feel like she’s the worst person in the world, like she’s a monster, and all she wants is to run away and hide, hide from her and her gaze and this whole mess, but most of all she wants to hide from herself._

_The girl turns around again, and this time when she grabs the door handle she doesn’t stop her. She lets her go, lets her slam the door shut, lets her take all her hope and her dignity with her, lets her take her heart with her, and now she’s left all alone in her dark bedroom._

_She buries her head in her hands, realizing that it’s over. She lost her._

_And then she cries.___

* * *

_ _She looks up at Haseul, at her fake smile and the hidden insecurity in her eyes, and in that moment she can’t hold back any longer. She needs to know why she’s here, why she’s doing all of this, and she hates this little game they’re playing more than anything. She needs the truth._ _

”Haseul, why are you really here?”, she finally asks, her voice stern, and the other girl bites her lip and closes her eyes, taking a deep breath, and it scares Jinsol because she knows whatever she’s about to say is going to change things.

The girl looks at her, then down at her coffee, then back at her again, and when she opens her mouth her lips are quivering and her eyes are sad, regretful.

”I think I’m in love with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> moral of the story: don't have an affair with your best friend!

**Author's Note:**

> thoughts?
> 
> and prayers.


End file.
